Apple’s $200 million Argylle tanked at the box office with a $16.5 million opening, which ensured the overall 2024 box office drought marched into February.

Argylle is directed by Matthew Vaughn, who apparently caught Zack Snyder Syndrome sometime in 2017 during the production of Kingsman: The Golden Circle.

Although not much is known about the disease, and there is no known cure, Zack Snyder Syndrome is when a once-talented director climbs up his own ass and cannot find a way out.

The man who gave us the wonderfully entertaining Layer Cake (2004), Kick-Ass (2010), X-Men: First Class (2011), and Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014) disappeared sometime during the making of the Kingsman sequel. Sadly, the symptoms of Zack Snyder Syndrome (previously known as George Lucas Disease) are unmistakable: The King’s Man (2021) and now Argylle (2024).

Generally, it takes more than two horrible movies to diagnose Zack Snyder Syndrome. But doctors say Vaughn’s talk about another Kick-Ass sequel and combining Kingsman and Argylle into a single “superspy” universe confirmed their diagnosis.

Argylle is so loathed it earned a devastating C+ CinemaScore, which almost never happens. The 2024 box office was already in the doldrums — 5.1 percent behind the terrible 2023 we just exited and 36.2 percent behind the pre-pandemic 2019. We’re three years out of the pandemic, so let’s stop blaming the pandemic.

My question is this… Why is Apple spending $200 million on movies? Argyllye, Killers of the Flower Moon, Napoleon…? Why, why, why…?

Why do any of these streaming services spend this kind of money on … movies? I’m not talking about the occasional HBO-style movie that cost $35 million. It’s these $200 million blockbusters that make no sense.

Allow me to try and lay some learning on these idiots…

What we want from our streaming TV service is not an empty, two-hour, overpriced TikTok video so empty it allows us to check emails and scroll Twitter without missing anything… What we want is full immersion.

What I mean by “full immersion” is when we are hypnotized by a television series so engrossing we forget about everything else. The Sopranos, The Shield, The Wire, Justified, The Crown, Mad Men… Full immersion need not only be “prestige TV.” With their familiar characters, procedurals like Blue Bloods, Law & Order, and CSI can have this effect. So can intelligent true crime documentaries like Forensic Files.

It seems to me that the whole point of streaming is to create content so compelling subscribers dare not unsubscribe. So why spend $200 million on a lousy 150-minute, uninvolving feature film when you can spend that same amount on a ten-episode season of engrossing television or 25 episodes of an engrossing true crime documentary?

Listen, I don’t watch this garbage anymore. Over the years, due to too much gay sex, virtue signaling, scolding, and being left with nothing to think about, I’ve canceled Netflix, Peacock, Paramount+,  and Apple. The only reason I still have access to Amazon Prime is the free shipping, and when I look at the Amazon Prime streaming selection, it looks like what it is: a five-billion-dollar pile of shit.

You want me for a customer? Allow me to relive the experience I have watching Lost, Boardwalk Empire, Battlestar Galactica (2004), Twin Peaks, Breaking Bad, Married with Children, the original Star Trek, Hill Street Blues, Deadwood, Rome, The Honeymooners, Seinfeld, and Game of Thrones.

That’s the high I’m after — the one where you enter a world filled with fascinating characters, and for dozens and dozens of hours, you never want to leave. And then, after you’re forced to leave, the show stays with you for a while.

These $200 million sugar highs… Why?

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