‘The Batman’ Review: Really Long Movie We’ve Seen Many Times Before

Depending on which movies you include and discounting the animated features, this is the eighth or ninth Batman movie since 1989. It’s also the, what, fifth Batman franchise? The fifth reboot?

While sitting through this three-hour remake of Se7en (but, you know, with Batman), and long after my butt went dead, I realized that there are now grown adults walking around — people hitting age 30, who don’t remember an America that once embraced the New.

Me? I remember. I’m a hundred.

That’s the country we used to be, a forward-looking country that loved New. That country was amazing and dynamic. That country elected John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton. That country would never have entered the death spiral of Bush-Clinton-Clinton-Bush-Bush-Biden-And-Maybe-Clinton-Again.

New was everything in America — the most vital thing. Everyone demanded New. Go back and look at pre-1990 America. America was amazing. For example, everyone wanted the New fashions. The Result? Each decade had its own unique style. But look at America today. Style-wise we’re indistinguishable from Good Will Hunting. Believe it or not, the country would get excited about the newest car models every year. This was a big deal. Back then, you could distinguish one car from another. Today, all our vehicles look alike and come in four colors, two of which are grey. Don’t even get me started on music. TV essentially consists of eight franchises, five of which are Law & Order. Movies are the worst. I remember seeing Star Wars at age 11,  Superman and Halloween at age 12, the first Jurassic Park at age 26. Unforgettable experiences, all. New doesn’t even begin to capture it. Now I’m 56, and we’re still getting sequels. Someone should have told me Star Wars would require a 45-year commitment.

We are now nine movies and five reboots into Batman,

This is nuts.

What is there left to do with Batman —sorry:  The Batman — I mean, other than putting a “the” in front of “Batman” and making it three hours long with five acts, what more can you do?

All director Matt Reeves does here is remake Se7en with Batman in the Brad Pitt role and Future Commissioner Gordon/Alfred in the Morgan Freeman role. Three friggin’ hours I’m sitting there thinking, This is fine, but I’ve not only seen it all before, I’ve also seen it a dozen times before.

Watch below: 

Didn’t we get a grimy Gotham just a couple of years ago with Joker? As far as Batman, he does the same Batman stuff, but this time he does it for three hours. Three hours!

In the suit, Pattinson is a pretty good Batman. Out of the suit, he’s pure emo, and if you look real close, you can see Vidal Sassoon just off-camera. The hair–like ohmygawd that angsty hair.

I will say this… At least THE Batman is not sexless. Zoë Kravitz is allowed to bring some heat. But again, the fact that a little sexuality in a movie is now a novelty only proves how sterile, conformist, and Applebee’d we’ve allowed our culture to become.

So there’s a serial killer, and he’s serial killing, and it’s always dark, and it rains a lot, and Batman teams up with Gordon, and people die, and the serial killer leaves clues behind and creates a gajillion journals, and this movie’s head-in-a-box is a lot of water.

The Batman is competently made, no question, and out of its 176 minutes, there is a terrific five-minute car chase. But other than Zoë Kravitz in her underwear, that was the only time THE Batman felt like a productive use of my time. There’s no sense of urgency or peril, no real momentum —  even though a person is targeted for a Saw-like death daily.  This thing just plods along in the rain, and if there was a theme, I missed it.

Have fun.

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