The problem with Birds of Prey is not that it’s all about hating on men — all men, every single guy in the movie — the problem is that it’s dull to the point of numbing.
Listen, I’m not hard to please. In fact, I’m one of the few people who enjoyed Suicide Squad, the 2016 flick that introduced Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn, the flamboyant, hyper-violent nihilist who squeaks with an exaggerated Brooklynese.
Hey, if you’re not going to accept a movie on its own terms, you shouldn’t bother. This is why I don’t bother to review most animated and fantasy titles. Those are terms I can’t accept. The terms of Birds of Prey aren’t hard to figure out. In this #MeToo era, where misandy is acceptable, even championed, you know everyone with a penis is either going to be a sexist, a sociopath, a rapist, or all three.
Whatever. As long as it’s done with style and verve… You see, unlike crybaby feminists, I can take a joke.
So, no, that’s not the problem. The problems are much deeper than that. Things like story, character, and monotonous action sequences.
There’s also a lot of dumb stuff. Even for a comic book movie, the amount of dumb is frequently startling. But we’ll start with the story.
Harley’s broken up with the love of her life, the Joker, and blows up the chemical plant where they met-cute as a way to announce to the world she is no longer Mr. J’s — as she likes to call him — appendage. She is her own woman now, so look out Gotham.
Unfortunately, she’s also announcing she no longer enjoys the protection of the Clown Prince of Crime, and this brings out her enemies in droves. And except for one, they are all terrible men.
No one, though, has Harley Quinn higher up on his shit list than Roman Sionis aka Black Mask (Ewan McGregor), Gotham’s top crime lord, and of course a terrible man.
At this point, the story made some sense. But then a diamond is introduced that appears to hold the key to an Asian crime lord’s fortune. There’s a code inscribed on it, or something. Roman wants it, and in a ridiculously contrived scene, Harley Quinn talks herself out of certain death by promising to retrieve it.
Why would Roman trust a nihilistic thief who hates him to retrieve something valuable he so desperately wants?
It’s just dumb.
Anyway, the diamond is currently gurgling through the intestines of Cassandra Cain (Ella Jay Basco), the 14-year-old pickpocket who swallowed it, and who now has a $500,000 bounty on her head.
Elsewhere, Huntress (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) is killing all the terrible men who murdered her family, Black Canary (Jurnee Smollett-Bell) is suffering under Roman’s terrible patriarchy as his driver, and Renee Montoya (Rosie Perez) is oppressed by the terrible patriarchy of the Gotham Police Department where terrible men take all the credit for her work.
Am I giving anything way by revealing that they eventually come together as Birds of Prey to take on the terrible patriarchy and all its terrible men?
The plot’s timeline opens by leaping all over the place, a jumble and an obvious attempt to juice a lifeless plot. And while I have no evidence to back this up, the whole thing reeks of desperate reshoots.
As far as the action, in-between our heroines complaining about terrible men, it’s almost non-stop. But because you know the girls will prevail there are no real stakes, which makes it monotonous and numbing. Worse still, other than a scene where a roller skating Harley Quinn fights a bunch of terrible men in a speeding car, it’s just the same stuff over and over and over: Using a mixture of martial arts and some sort of club, our 105 pound Harley easily beats up yet-another *yawn* gang of very fit and capable 200 pound men — I mean, terrible 200 pound men.
Now, if you want to talk about dumb…
After 90 minutes of watching Harley easily take on gang after gang of big, tough, terrible men, we are then asked to believe that a four-foot five-inch, 80 pound Rosie Perez, who’s hurtling towards 60, is a real challenge for Harley.
A little later, the girls are surrounded by an army of terrible men. The gals have no guns. The first wave of terrible men attack carrying automatic weapons. The girls easily wipe them out, but don’t grab the terrible men’s automatic weapons.
Please.
Then there’s Canary’s superpower, which involves a scream so powerful it knocks an army of terrible men on their butts. But not Harley, who struts through the wake of the scream unaffected.
Then there’s that diamond, which we were told is the key to everything, a potential never mentioned again or revealed, which is one of the reasons why I smell sweaty reshoots.
Robbie does what she can with what she’s given, which is a fairly one-dimensional character best suited for a supporting role. She certainly elevates a host of one-liners into something more than they deserve.
If you enjoyed Joel Schumacher’s Batman movies — Batman Forever (1995) and Batman and Robin (1997) — Birds of Prey is just as overstuffed and equally guilty of trying too hard, but with fewer charismatic stars and nowhere near as visually imaginative.
Birds of Prey is a pretty terrible movie and pretty terrible-looking to boot.
Follow John Nolte on Twitter @NolteNC. Follow his Facebook Page here.
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