Resident Internet bad boy and Breitbart Tech editor Milo Yiannopoulos is hitting the road again this fall on his “Dangerous Faggot” tour, during which he’ll lecture students at more than three dozen college campuses across the country about the scourge of social justice warrior-ism, the evils of feminism and the awesomeness of “Daddy” Donald Trump — but organizers at each of the stops on the cross-country trek better hustle if they wish to fulfill Milo’s tour demands.
Milo’s tour rider — a list of items he will require upon arrival at each stop — would appear, at first glance, to be excessive.
In the green room: Two buckets of KFC Extra Crispy thighs with skins removed; 30 defuzzed peaches; two dozen de-thorned white roses; framed 8×10 photographs of both Princess Diana and Trump; a framed 5×7 photo of Jennifer Lopez (Jenny from the Block era preferred); two dozen McDonald’s McRib sandwiches, and a vegan present to watch him eat them; an on-call registered nurse; a snow-cone machine.
On stage: 50 white doves to be released upon entry; mace; a cattle prod; bear spray; a personal taser; a fog machine; and a dedicated gift drop-off table.
The rubes at the Tab may call such a list “ludicrous;” in reality, it’s barely adequate.
Four shirtless Abercrombie models? Four hookahs? Twenty international phone lines? Three Siberian Husky puppies? Eight dozen double-stuffed Oreos halved to create four dozen quadruple-stuffed Oreos? Ridiculous? That’s called common courtesy, and Milo shouldn’t give an inch on any of them.
The Hollywood Reporter says it “seems ridiculous” to impose a $7,500 fine on the venue if any Adele music is played during the event. They’re right of course. The fine should be far higher, if Milo is distracted or blighted in any way by Adele’s voice.
Milo has shown his trademark benevolence — and remarkable restraint — in providing his rider to venues well in advance of the start of the tour next month; now they better start stocking up, or else.
Check out the complete tour rider below:
Production Rider
1. DRESSING ROOM
6 x Bottles San Pellegrino, chilled
2 x Laurent-Perrier Brut NV Methuselah
3 dozen poppy bagels, seeds removed
5 x good quality Sancerre
6 packs Newport shorts
Trainer-approved snack, fruits
Fresh fruit platter, prepared in shape of capital ‘M’
4 x Japanese square watermelon
Snow cone machine
2 buckets KFC Extra Crispy thighs should be ready upon arrival; skin removed & set aside in third bucket
Bacon
Hot and cold meal options – Gordon Ramsay recipes.
Preferred meats: Veal, suckling pig
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Use only French fleur-du-sel, Northwest coast preferred source
8 dozen double-stuff Oreos, halved & spliced together to make 4 dozen double-double stuff Oreos
Cave-aged Gruyere
A bowl and a half of green M&M’s (approx 1400)
2 x tin petrossian royal ossetra caviar
30 x peaches, defuzzed
Advil/Tylenol
Hot water (filtered), fresh honey and lemon
Coffee: Hawaiian, grown in volcanic foothills; or any non-fair-trade source/country
Cough drops
Humidifier
WiFi (2 dedicated networks, high-speed)
Central air-conditioning
Full-length mirror
Working outlets/ power strips, extension cords
2 dozen white roses, de-thorned, cut to 8-9 inches
3 pack x Scented markers
Framed,signed 8×10 photo of artist, next to roses;
NB: attendant rotate frame hourly to maintain sun aspect
Room with east & west views
Framed 8×10 portrait of Daddy; frame must be gilded/gold-leaf; placed adjacent to artist’s
Hand lotion; any South Korean brand containing horse oil banned in the USA & EU
On-call registered nurse for B-12 injections
3 Siberian Husky puppies
4 topless Abercrombie models, BLACK PREFERRED — NO gingers
Tahitian Vanilla candles, minimum 12 hour burning time
10 ‘torchiere-style’ floor lamps
Assorted ceramic tableware
Hot & cold towels (Ralph Lauren)
Framed 8×10 black-and-white photo of Princess Di, placed on windowsill
Tiara
Johnson’s baby oil (slightly heated)
Star Wars Top Trumps
Assistant to read my speech on repeat to artist
Selection of minimum 12 world capital major newspapers, ironed
20 x international phone lines
75 x $1 bills
Registered on-call acupuncturist
Strictly Non-Smoking Rooms
Carpet & upholstery deodorized
Framed 8×10 of Mariah Carey, always placed facing the doorway, set next to the white roses
Framed 5×7 photo of J.Lo (ideally Jenny From the Block era)
20 Sudoku & crossword puzzles, 90-95% correctly completed
Mariah back catalogue, including B-sides, looping upon entry
2 dozen limited-availability McRib sandwiches, and a vegan to watch me eat them
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Room must be fitted with a mihrab, 4 hookahs – berry flavors only – and 2 humidifiers
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Decor: ABSOLUTELY NO BUSY PATTERNS, NO CHEVRONS
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Room temperature: 25.5-26.2 degrees Celsius
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Any fridge doors should be glass/transparent Perspex
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NO PHONE CALLS IN DRESSING ROOM. $5,000 fine for venues per unwarranted intrusion
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Venue must install fresh toilet seat for artist use only
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ABSOLUTELY NO PLAYBACK OF ANY MEDIA BY ADELE; $7,500 fine to venue per infringement
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Metal detectors at all doors
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Venue transportation must be a late-model black Maybach; 26-inch rims
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Police escort during moderate-to-heavy traffic to avoid delays
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Chauffeur All personnel must wear 100% cotton clothes. No man-made fibers
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Security personnel should be dressed neatly and tidily. NO T-SHIRTS.
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Venue personnel should refrain from applying perfume/cologne
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Venue personnel must apply deodorant/antiperspirant hourly; to be checked by tour manager
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Lesbian maintenance personnel must remain 100 feet away at all times and may not wear khakis, flannel, Birkenstocks, or plaid
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Female staff must wear brassieres or other supportive undergarments
2. STAGE
Freestanding iPad stand
Freestanding music/notes stand
2 x San Pellegrino chilled, small bottles
Cough candies
2 x Printed copy of speech, stapled
Assorted pens
Spectacles (2 pairs)
Assistant for meet & greet
Headshots for signing
3 x Silver paint pens (Brand: Molotow)
Bear Spray (see lesbians, above)
Fog machine
Personal taser
Hand sanitizer/wet wipes
Mace
Velvet-roped waiting queue
Dedicated gift drop-off table
Cattle prod
50 white doves to be released upon entry
PROMOTER/PRODUCTION REP: PLEASE PROVIDE PROMOTER AND PRODUCTION REPRESENTATIVE TO CO-ORDINATE LOCAL ELEMENTS
Follow Daniel Nussbaum on Twitter: @dznussbaum