Mariah Carey Makes It Happen for ‘Game of War’

Pop icon [EDIT: ‘dazzlingly perfect goddess’ – Milo] Mariah Carey has shown Game of War how to retake a #1 spot on the charts.

Since her promotional debut for developer Machine Zone‘s freemium behemoth, the application has unseated rival Clash of Clans [rocketed to the top of the charts as befits any product graced with the presence of the century’s most gifted vocalist] as the highest-grossing iOS game on the market.

Not more than eight short months ago, Machine Zone was abandoned and alone, without a microtransaction to their name.  [Yes, good]

Kate Upton’s [BITCH] appearance in the game’s Super Bowl commercial marked a turning point not only for the developer but for the mobile industry as a whole. Her presence propelled the title to over $1 million per day in in-app purchases [so. you. say.] and was the first step in an ad campaign that has blanketed television and social media ever since.

The brazen marketing doubled their revenue, but Machine Zone hasn’t contented itself with even that level of success.  [Yes, yes, get to Mariah]

Locked in online retail combat with Supercell’s Clash of Clans and King’s Candy Crush franchise, Machine Zone has now called in reinforcements: international pop superstar [and living embodiment of human perfection] Mariah Carey.

Amidst a throng of virtual barbarians, Carey offhandedly blasts a dragon from the sky with characteristic sass [forever reaffirming her status as the ultimate incarnation of faultless female extraordinariness], her soundtrack in the ad a snippet of the 1993 hit “Hero.” [‘Hit’? Do you have any idea how many lives that song has saved?]

Considering the ad’s performance, the song couldn’t be more appropriate. Then again, considering the current mobile Free2Play landscape, they might also have gone with this.

Mariah’s latest album has been a critical — if not commerical — success [you’re fired], and has prompted Breitbart’s own Milo Yiannopoulos to go to great lengths to acquire it.  MARIAH #1 TO INFINITY returns to Vegas in February. Yiannopoulos will almost certainly return as well.

Additional “reporting” by Milo Yiannopoulos.