Oscars: Losers Win Big with $160K in Gift Bags

Who needs an Oscar when you can have swag for free?

Nominees who fail to bring home an Oscar this Sunday night will still be receiving gifts that are valued at more than $160,000, according to a report from CNN.

Hollywood’s A-team has grown accustomed to receiving “swag bags,” as they’ve been termed, which are gift bags of goods, given to award hopefuls who might have otherwise gone home empty-handed. Although the gift bags are not a new phenomenon, they are grabbing a lot of attention this year.

Reportedly worth double than those of last year, the contents of the “swag bags” include free vacation getaways, $20,000 car rental coupons, custom furniture, free therapy, outdoor adventures, and rocky mountain train treks, according to US Magazine.

Here’s the complete list of freebies, according to US Magazine:

Sex Enhancement Procedures, Plus a Vibrator! $5,250
Sex lives of the stars! Celebs will have the choice between the O-Shot (Orgasm Shot), LEO or Priapus Shot procedures in this wild package offering. The shots (valued at $5,000) are said to enhance sexual response and will be provided directly by its inventor Charles Runels, MD, who also created the Vampire Facelift.
The losers can also test out the Afterglow Pulsewave Vibrator ($250), which boasts of “patented medical technology” developed directly by the experts, or shall we say (ahem) sexperts themselves.

A Glamping Adventure, $12,500
Oh, the great outdoors! Stars will take home the “ultimate glamping adventure” with this luxury camping, hiking, and cycling package from TerraVelo Tours offered in one of America’s “most breathtaking natural landscapes.” The package includes options like hot air balloon rides, gourmet dining, surfing, horseback riding, and cheese-making classes. In case food is an issue while glamping, stars will have private chefs prepare all meals, along with access to “fine Napa Valley wines.”

A Year’s Worth of Audi Rentals, $20,000
Speeding in style! The losing nominees will each get to drive away — at least for one year — with Audis. Silvercar is offering up a year’s worth of rentals from its artillery of “all-Audi” vehicles. The company boasts that its airport locations offer “no lines” and “no hassles,” while each car includes a “free in-dash GPS, Sirius radio, and Wi-Fi every time.”

Custom-Designed Furniture, $25,000
A dream bookcase that conceals a hidden backroom? That’s possible for the losing nominees thanks to this gift inclusion from EF+Facto. Architect Elena Foccoli offered to custom-design and craft an “exclusive and unique piece of furniture” for each star, with a cool price tag of $25,000.

Mind Control and More, $20,000
X-Men, beware! Each star gets a gift certificate (worth a whopping $20,000) to have Enigma Life founder Olessia Kantor fly out and meet with them to discuss their 2015 horoscopes, as well as their dreams. Most of all, Kantor will teach the stars “mind control techniques” — and maybe their odds of winning in 2016 will be that much greater.

A Train Trek through the Rocky Mountains, $14,600
All aboard! Like last year, recipients will have the opportunity to take a luxury trip on the Rocky Mountaineer, an award-winning train that journeys through the Canadian Rockies. Stars will travel past “tumbling waterfalls, lush old growth forests and shimmering lakes” as they enjoy the world-class service offered by the Gold Leaf train.

The Complete Lifestyle Makeover, $14,200
The nominees are offered the option of a wellness package that includes a total body, mind, and soul reboot. The wellness package includes: a hair mineral analysis ($1,590), a VIP day which includes customized info ($3,500), organic home cooking event with a master chef ($1000), and more.

Custom Dessert/Candy Buffet, Plus More Goodies $1,295
Sweets for the stars! Losing nominees can eat their hearts out with a custom candy and dessert buffet ($800), and if that’s not enough, more treats are included in their swag bags. Celebs will also nosh on Posh Pretzels ($50), Rouge Maple products ($280), XO mints ($10), gluten-free cookies from Esther Easter’s Treats ($45), herbal tea lollipops from Dosha Pops ($70), and Hydroxycut ($45).

Sea Salts, Plus a VIP Tour $1,550
These aren’t just any salts! La Baleine is offering its natural French Mediterranean salts from its “pure and natural” source in the South of France. Recipients will also get a VIP tour of the private preserve where the salts are made. The group (of up to 10 people) will also enjoy a private lunch prepared by a top chef atop the salt marsh, and will have the chance to sunbathe on La Baleine’s private beach.

Light Therapy for Fat $4,100
In case stars are in desperate need of losing fat, the swag bag also includes a “non-invasive L.E.D. light technology” procedure from Ventura that claims to help stars lose 3-9 inches around their waists in as little as 3 weeks.

The total of those gifts is reportedly valued at more than three times the median income of the average America family.

So who is providing all the goods? According to Jake Tapper, companies seeking advertising foot the bill in hopes that stars will use the products and then share photos of their good time to social media.

While anyone would likely appreciate $160,000 in free gifts, a representative for the Internal Revenues Service informed CNN “the gifters do not do so solely out of affection, respect, or similar impulses.”

Simply put, losing nominees could be losing anyway when they’re forced to pay as least $40,000 in taxes for the gifts.

Maybe the free therapy will help them cope.

The 87th annual Academy Awards will air this Sunday on ABC at 7:00 p.m. Eastern time.