Bert and Ernie: Yes They Can!

Will they or won’t they? Could they? Should they? Speculation ran rampant this week after a petition signed by 900 people was sent to the producers of Sesame Street demanding Bert and Ernie finally get with the times and tie the knot. Not wanting to get left out of the march of progress and face the inevitable, I’m going to come down on the side of supporting this initiative. First of all, if a group demands it, then we might as well just do what they say. Secondly, I think this opens up Sesame Street to some provocative and entertaining new story lines.

As we all know, Bert and Ernie have been shacking up together since 1969. That’s a long time to remain in the closet, and we can only imagine the exhaustion they’ve experienced in living out this charade for 42 years. They’ve no doubt been saddled with an unfair tax burden all this time by being forced to file individually. It’s also likely that at some point or other, one of them has spent time in the hospital, and we can only assume the other was denied visitation rights. It’s not like the rest of the community didn’t know. I mean, they keep pictures of each other on their wall, for chrissakes. Grover’s not stupid. Sure, they sleep in separate beds, but so did every heterosexual TV couple back in the late 60s. Bert and Ernie were simply products of the sexually repressed era they came of age in.

Considering they’ve lived under one roof all this time, sleep in the same room, and obviously share a close bond, there’s simply no reason whatsoever they shouldn’t get married. They obviously care about each other, and when two people care about each other, that’s what they do. Get married. The fact that they’re getting on in years leaves them little time left for a healthy adoption, so now’s the time to demonstrate the strength of their commitment for the good of a young . . muppet. It’s not like they can’t still go out and have a night on the town or hit the clubs after bringing home a child. There are lots of good sitter options in the local community: Cookie Monster and The Count seem like positive role models. And what youngster wouldn’t love spending summer weekends at Big Bird’s Fire Island pad?

Once they’ve accepted reality and gotten with the times, they can finally introduce some edgy drama to this otherwise Puritan, whitewashed fictitious realm of New York City. Bert can get busted running a male prostitution ring out of their basement, and Ernie can feign ignorance in an episode called “But Who is it Really Hurting?”. In another, Ernie gets busted for Twittering pictures of his weiner to young Fraggles in an episode called “Trust: Does it Really Matter?”. Their marriage crisis is only resolved after the intervention of Elmo and Gonzo and a trip to sex addiction rehab.

Now that Bert and Ernie have thrown off the shackles of repression and a backwards religious-based history, they can serve as an example and inspiration to others. Yogi and Boo Boo. Shaggy and Scooby. Bugs and Elmer. (The awkward three-way love affair between Ronald, Grimace, and the Hamburglar is still a matter with an unclear resolution.)

Bert and Ernie should be applauded for their courageous decision to end the oppression and send a clear message to the bigots (like Oscar the Grouch) living in or around Sesame Street. Raise that rainbow flag, and fly it proudly, boys!