Not Another Paris Hilton Reality Show!

There are a lot of things that most of us would have more use for in life than a new Paris Hilton reality television show. Some sort of flesh eating virus or a scorching case of crabs comes immediately to mind, but the truth is that she is simply not worthy of another TV time slot. Paris has already had a few bites at the reality television apple. To call her a ratings juggernaut would be like calling Carrot Top a chick magnet or referring to Bea Arthur as luscious. In short, giving away a time-slot to Paris is a networks way of unofficially declaring that they have run out of ideas (I wonder why NBC hasn’t built a show around her yet?).

So while the Oxygen Network is busy promoting “The World According to Paris” and hoping it is the type of “edgy” television that will make that horrible network relevant to the entertainment world, we are giving you a few celebrities who are more worthy of their own show than Paris Hilton.

Lindsay Lohan is probably a pretty good candidate to have her own reality show. There are few things that the American television audience likes more than stuff covered in chocolate. One of the items on that short list would be watching a celebrity crash and burn. Ironically, that same list would also include the redemption of the aforementioned celebrity, and their return from a booze and cocaine induced brink of disaster. Lindsay still has pop culture value and considering the fact that the dress she recently wore to court is now sold out just about everywhere, apparently many still find her intriguing. Let’s face it; it’s only a matter of time before Ms. Lohan shows up on Dr. Drew’s couch at “Celebrity Rehab.” If she can stay out of jail long enough to make the pretentious claim of “being off the drugs and high on life,” a show that chronicles this burnt out star’s efforts to reignite may be a ratings draw. Of course if you want to give the viewers what they really want, cover her in chocolate and let nature take its course.

Brett Favre can’t decide whether he is retired, seems confused by the concept of “no means no,” and has inadvertently shared pics of his stubby little goal post with the entire world. While all this has destroyed his legacy as a gridiron hero, it has raised his pop-culture profile. A show based around his life and exploits as searches for a life beyond football would probably have a lot of viewers. Well, at least for one season. Hey, if Hulk Hogan could sustain a show about his family for four, full seasons, then why not Brett? If some network threw him in a house with Ben Roethlisberger, Michael Vick, and Marv Albert, it would be the reality show equivalent of mating “Lord of the Flies” and the “Tailhook” convention with the Manhattan Project. It would be messy, but lots of fun to watch.

Finally, a lot of shows have been successful in the past by pulling a Z list star from the nether regions of the entertainment world and giving them a reality show. Most of these programs seem to wind up on VH-1. “The Flavor of Love,” “My Fair Brady”, and “Breaking Bonaduce” are some prime examples. The history of this genre has shown that these efforts work best when the “star” either falls into the “quirky” category or is a complete a**hole. With this in mind, a show based around the concept of finding Dustin “Screech” Diamond from “Saved by the Bell” or Urkel a mate would probably be entertaining for a season or two. While the idea sounds silly on its face, who would have ever thought that a washed up, occasionally incarcerated, crackhead like Flavor Flav would score respectable ratings by turning the efforts to find his next baby-mama into a reality show.

I am sure there is a whole world of washed up celebrities out there who could sustain their own reality program. Paris Hilton is a bad gamble for any network, and her 15 minutes were up a long time ago. The only worse decision that Oxygen could have possibly made would be creating a show that featured Mel Gibson discussing Woman’s issues and racial tolerance.