The President and his clan are all tied-up-in-knots over not being able to raise taxes on those they deem rich. When Democrats don’t get their way they loose all rational thought like teen-girls suffering a case of front row “Bieber Fever.” This latest flood of emotions has left Democrats and Obama feeling as if they’ve been taken hostage by the GOP. So rather than just handing over pizza and soda to Republicans so they can feed their captors on the hill, I thought it more instructive to send them five of the best hostage films on DVD during this trying time.
“Dog Day Afternoon”: This Sidney Lumet film starring Al Pacino ranks as one of the best, and actually does comes with pizza and soda. When Sonny robs a bank to pay for his boyfriend’s sex change operation, things go horribly wrong and the first-time robber ends up with a bank full of hostages (Democrats).
This film is the perfect framework for Democrats to work their victim identity while trying to sneak in a pork-barrel project that gives members who lost in the last election a sex change before heading home for the holidays.
“Die Hard”: The first “Die Hard” film is also one of the best action films of all time and full of holiday hostages. Detective John McLane single-handedly saves a tower full of captives at his wife’s Christmas party from thirteen Euro-trash thieves trying to steel $640 million in bearer bonds.
Democrats will love this one because it’ll give them more ideas about robbing Wall Street to feed their base with food stamps and no income, no asset, home loans. It gives Republicans the chance to show Democrats what life would be like if they behaved like European socialist.
“Speed”: A great film that should have never had a sequel. A bus hurdling through Los Angeles unable to go below 55 mph or all the hostages go boom!
This is a Democrat favorite because of its earth-friendly-mass-transit theme and melting pot of Americans riding a bus while a disturbed white guy threatens their lives. In this film Democrats will most relate to the bus driver/hostages because they fight on the side of big unions to raise pay, health care benefits and pensions for government workers that make things go forward, backward, left, and right. Republicans hate this one because they drive cars.
“Misery”: “Misery” is one of the most eerie portrayals of forced captivity in a psychological hostage thriller. Famed author Paul Sheldon’s car drives off the road, and sweetie nurse Annie Wilkes (“his #1 fan”) takes him in. Anne, clearly off her meds hobbles her hostage to keep him from leaving.
Democrats will not identify with the hostage in this film because he’s rich, and writes books, not tax laws. However, “Misery” will send Republicans cringing at the memory of voting for Bush’s Medicare Prescription Drug, Improvement, and Modernization Act, because the crazy bitch in this film has gone off her free meds and left them with a hobbled economy.
“Air Force One”: Bad guys know they’re in trouble when their target is played by Harrison Ford, not Will Smith, and their hostages are his wife and kids, not fellow Scientologist. In “Air Force One” President James Marshall (Ford) defeats Russian Terrorists mid-air, disarms a bomb, and exclaims, “Give me back my plane.”
This film is a Democratic wet dream because the terrorists are white Russians not Iranian Muslims holding their President hostage. Republicans relate to this one because they know Reagan would have sent missiles into Iran if they’d not let our hostages go 20 minutes after Jimmy Carter left for Palestine.
So if you open your door this holiday season and spot miserable carolers getting out of a bus shouting, “Attica, Attica, Attica!” instead of singing “Silent Night, Holly Night,” you know Democrats have been set free from the Republican tower and they’ve come to say “Give me back my money!”
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