Trailer-O-Rama: 'Black Swan,' 'The Fighter,' 'The Tourist,' 'Tron: Legacy'…

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Director Darren Aronofsky’s Black Swan (December 3rd) is getting good reviews from some reviewers I trust but it’s all so Oscar-baity and bloated with importance, especially the widely publicized and now seemingly obligatory (if you want Academy attention) lesbian love scene between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. Yeah, they’re both hot (especially Kunis) but wouldn’t a near-kiss as the camera pans away to curtains blowing in the wind save the actresses from having to go through all the awkward discomfort while still accomplishing the same story beat. It’s all so gratuitous, as though the “brave” willingness to write, perform and direct such a scene in and of itself makes you more worthy of an Oscar. I may see the film and feel differently, especially in my pants, but this is Trailer-O-Rama!

Anyway, yet another film about talented, upscale artists and their problems. Like 99.9% of America I can’t relate and am therefore working on summoning a care.

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I Love You, Phillip Morris (December 3rd) has been famously run through the distribution torture mill for some time now and this energetic and funny trailer should help. The opening, which cleverly deceives the unsuspecting into thinking the film is a standard Christmas comedy, has a lot of pep, a few good laughs, but it’s also awfully, uhm, not heterosexual. And haven’t we seen it all before? The whole con man/fast life/rise/fall/redemption thing? It’s like “Casino Jack” but with “gay-gay-gay” guys and Judd Apatow’s wife.

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Thus far, The Tourist (December 10) is tracking pretty poorly when it comes to audience interest, which does not bode well when you have two stars sharing the screen with the wattage that comes with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. A good trailer editor can dazzle even with the lousiest of movies (that’s why there’s a Golden Fleece award in the trailer world) so you have to wonder if the problem here is the trailer or the film. Part of the problem, which no trailer editor can hide, is that Depp and Jolie appear to have zero chemistry. Obviously the filmmakers are going for a “Charade/”North By Northwest” kind of vibe but without star chemistry it’s all episodic action and cutesy plot twists.

Rather than have Depp appear to be such a wimp — Captain Jack Sparrow meets European spyjinks — the whole affair might have looked more appealing had they found a man’s man to tame Jolie. Someone not so impressed with her who knocks her down to size. Unfortunately, after Steve McQueen and William Holden died, Hollywood never replenished that particular bench.

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The Fighter (December 10) looks amazing. You can’t get a much more appealing cast together these days than Mark Wahlberg, Christian Bale, and Amy Adams and anyone who follows boxing knows the story of light welterweight champion “Irish” Mickey Ward is the stuff of legend. Ward’s storied trilogy with the great (and sadly late) Arturo Gatti personified everything majestic about the sport of boxing. Two warriors who would rather die than take a single step back. Men to their core. If “The Fighter” is half as dramatic, emotional and satisfying as those fights, we’re in for something very special and the trailer is reason to be optimistic.

Here’s round 9 of the first Gatti-Ward fight. “Ring Magazine” called it “Fight of the Year” (as they did the third fight). Legendary trainer Emanuel Steward called this particular round “Round of the Century.” Believe it. These are men and watching them fight represents some of the best memories of my life, especially The Mighty Arturo “Thunder” Gatti, whose own quest for glory would make for one terrific film, as well.

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Tron: Legacy (December 17th). Ugh. Only Hollywood would make a big-budget sci-fi extravaganza sequel to a movie no one liked the first time around, and the trailer for this one looks as stillborn as the original. I still remember those long months in 1983 when HBO screened “Tron” about 9 times a day. I would watch soap operas instead or count the minutes until I could go back to school.

What’s next, Disney? A sequel to “The Black Hole?”