Okay, so as I looked over IMDB’s list of films released in 1994, struggling to look for a movie to write about this week, I realized my proclamation that 1994 is indeed the best year ever, was not mere hyperbole. It is, in fact, complete horseshit. I love most of the movies I’ve written about, and recognize some level of importance (movie importance, not change the world importance) in the ones I don’t love (Clerks, Natural Born Killers). Weeding through the vitriolic responses to my posts, I’ve been reminded of great ones I have not and will not write about at length, for various reasons.

For example, In the Name of the Father featured great performances from Daniel Day Lewis (shocker) and Koboyashi, but honestly, that’s about all I remember. I certainly don’t recall debating the movie in any manner that approached “you gotta see this movie” excitement or “you’re nuts, that movie blows” bewilderment. Yes, it was nominated for 7 Oscars, but I honestly don’t remember that much about the movie and the desire to see it again has never crept into my brain since my first viewing.

And what about The Professional? I liked it. I really did, but I never embraced it. In fact, over the years, working in movie theatres and video stores, I have debated this movie with co-workers, and have come away thinking I saw a different movie than they saw. I wish I loved it, but…sorry, I just don’t, and I’m tired of the debate because it always ends with, “You need to see the director’s cut,” which I will never do. Director’s cuts are boring non-events, I grew tired of them upon the re-release of the “Ultimate Remastered Double Official Director’s Cut of Blade Runner.” There’s really no need for me to debate The Professional anymore, least of all on the Internet, where there is no such thing as a matter of opinion. I’m comfortable being wrong about it.

And what about The Shawshank Redemption? Great movie, but hasn’t it been fawned over and elevated in stature ad nauseum (that still doesn’t seem like a real term to me, but I looked it up!)? We get it, it underperformed, nearly everyone discovered it on video or cable – a fact that in my opinion, adds to the consensus opinion of the movie. Who doesn’t like to be completely surprised by a movie they only rented or caught on TNT? The movie’s poor theatrical performance could have made my case for 1994 being the best year ever – it was such a great year that this great crowd pleaser slipped through the cracks – but it doesn’t, because I was wrong. See evidence below.

Here are the reasons why 1994 was no way near the best year ever:

Reality Bites: Ben Stiller’s attempt to define a generation is simultaneously hypocritical and irony free. There’s a message about commercialism and not selling out, but every time someone has a beer in the movie, it’s a Rolling Rock! I have nothing against selling out, I think it’s an overused term, but don’t preach to me about it and then do it. I knew brooding slackers like Ethan Hawke’s character in college, and Stiller’s movie portrays aspects of these guys pretty accurately. For example, a certain segment of the college girl population threw themselves at guys like Ethan Hawke’s character in the 90’s. It didn’t feel unrealistic that Winona Ryder would choose him over Stiller’s nice guy corporate climber, it just felt like we’re supposed to praise her for making the wrong choice. By the time she chooses Hawke, it doesn’t really matter, because Ryder’s character has lost us with her ridiculous and petty temper tantrum over Stiller’s treatment of her pwecious wittle home movies. Oh, and I remember this being one of the first movies where they decide to throw in a gay character under the pretense that they’re exploring something deep. But they weren’t.

The Rosie O’Donnell Trifecta: I hate the Razzie’s and all they stand for, but they might have nailed it in 1994, dishing out awards to Rosie for the three following stains on the boxers of the movie gods.

The Flintstones: With a domestic haul of $131 Million, The Flintstones is the big touché to the above Shawshank defense that 1994 is the best year ever.

Exit to Eden: Manages to make Dana Delaney’s hotness simultaneously embarrassing and boring.

Car 54, Where Are You?: I heard a guy robbed a bank in Iowa with a simple threat to play this movie on a continuous loop in the lobby. His thumb at the ready on the remote, he supposedly screamed, “No alarms! Don’t make me push play! I’ll do it!”

Interview With a Vampire: I don’t remember hating this movie, the reformed Christian’s whining about the casting of Tom Cruise as Lestat and subsequent about face upon seeing the movie felt as phony as Dino in The Flintstones.

When a Man Loves a Woman: It was his fault she was a raging drunk. Riiiiiiiiight.

Nell: Chicka chicka chickabay. Roughly translated, that means, “I’m not happy with two Oscars, and would really like a third.”

Ready to Wear: “You think I’m kidding! I will push play! No dye packs! No money off the bottom of the till!!!”

There are more, of course. Clearly, I overestimated the output of movies in 1994, or I was wrong. I think it’s the latter, and so does everyone else. Nice year for movies, but not the best ever.

So what year was?