Eco-Terrorism: Animal Planet's 'Whale Wars' Celebrates Psychotic Whaling Activists

My lady and I have a weekly date with the TV. We’ve been roped into watching violent criminals attempt to destroy private property and injure other human beings. No, not “Real Housewives of New Jersey” (though the definition may fit), but Animal Planet’s “Whale Wars,” a show about some bug-nutty leftist eco-terrorists who think the lives of whales are more important than those of human beings. Its season finale is tonight and you should check it out, but not for the reasons you think.

Acid attack

In case you, unlike me, have a life and stuff to do on Friday nights, let me recap the premise of the show. It follows a group of eco-terrorists (led by Paul Watson, a vegan wanted for sinking alleged whaling ships while they were in harbor under repairs – bravery, if ever there was an example – who has called for human population control, and who was so extreme he was tossed out of Greenpeace), as they throw butyric acid, smoke bombs and fire projectiles at Japanese whalers (yes, they are indeed whalers), and attempt to sink their vessels in the freezing Antarctic waters, perhaps killing their crews. The “Sea Shepherds” as they call themselves (a name that calls to mind peaceful days on green hills, rather than the violence the group openly embraces), also constantly devise ways to destroy the props or engines of the Japanese vessels, stranding the crewmen, and I presume, to leaving them to die. That’s it. I think we’re supposed to root for these guys, given the narrative arc of the show.

One of the most highlighted personalities on the show is Pete Bethune, a wealthy New Zealander who got his start searching for oil in Libya (irony) and spending his vacations hunting and fishing (more irony). Pete is constantly talking about ways to destroy the Japanese vessels and, in one episode started a fire on one of the Sea Shepard ships building a high-powered oxygen torch to cut through the Japanese propellers. The season finale is all about Pete Bethune.

Tonight, you’ll see that Pete (after lots of big talk and aborted attempts) finally manages to board a Japanese vessel to make a citizen’s arrest of its captain. Pete was then obviously detained, and then charged, tried and convicted of several crimes in Japan, including assault, for throwing butyric acid at the whalers, burning their faces with the corrosive chemical. He was deported to New Zealand on a suspended sentence. But I’m sure he’ll be back at it soon. The fame “Whale Wars” has brought him seems intoxicating, and he plays the “maverick” role well.

On Friday nights, I don’t root for the Sea Shepherds. I root for the whalers. I’m guessing whale meat tastes awful, I’m not for ruining whale populations, and my son loves all four “Free Willy” movies. I’m not really pro-whaling. But when I see these Sea Shepard douchebags, who presumably never worked in the real world after getting their Feminist Studies degrees from Berkeley, attack other human beings with an endgame that can ONLY be assumed to be death for those people, I want evil punished. And the Sea Shepherds are evil.

But they’re not the only evil people involved. If the premise of the show doesn’t make your head spin, wait until you try to comprehend the following: Bob Barker, the former host of “The Price is Right” partly finances the group. He gave them $5 million and they named one of their illegal pirate vessels after him. Yep, the Bob Barker is the name of one of the ships that the terrorists operate from. Yikes, right? Also, Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter who used to dangle his child-star daughter in front of hungry crocs, before he was stabbed in the heart and killed by one of the gentle creatures of the ocean for trespassing, has a ship named after him.

So you have a game-show-host-sponsored group of terrorists bent on killing people, led by a fugitive (having been convicted in absentia in Norway, Watson is on the lam) who thinks whales shouldn’t be killed, but the human population should be controlled.

I watch every week.

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But I want it to get better. I think I have a good story arc that would boost the Animal Planet’s highest-rated show even further into the stratosphere. The Japanese should hire a crew of mercenaries to hunt down and sink these ne’er-do-wells. If Watson and his crazy followers think military tactics are acceptable, then let there be military tactics. Since Watson rams and destroys vessels (then marks his “kills” on the hull of his ship, just like most fighter pilots in combat), let’s find some people who want to play the game and turn them loose. The TV crews on board should be left to their own devices. That would be fun.

Another twist would be to ship in some Somali pirates and tell them that the Sea Shepherd ships are carrying infidels and $100 million in untraceable gold bullion. They’d board those ships faster than Al Gore at the annual Masseuse Association Caribbean Cruise. Once on board, they can demand ransom from the wacky group, thereby burning up its resources. This would make for a nice outreach program with Somalia, and maybe even help stem the tide of actual piracy in the Gulf of Aden (since we’re handing them ready-made targets and money).

And lest you think that I’m actually supporting an attack on American vessels (and, according to maritime law, sovereign American territory), let me reassure you. The ship is (or maybe “was”) registered in Togo. After discovering that the Sea Shepherds were attacking vessels on the open water, even Togo decided to forgo the fees and pulled the ship’s registration in February. The Sea Shepherds claim that their ships are now registered in the Netherlands, but nobody is really sure.

“Whale Wars” is good, entertaining TV. But I haven’t run into anyone (not even my liberal friends) who think the Sea Shepherds are on the right side of things. Everyone I’ve talked to thinks they’re really stupid. And really mean. And significantly dangerous. I bet the Animal Planet thinks that they’re creating folk heroes of these idiots. And they are, in a way. But not for the reasons they think.

We, the audience, are fascinated by people who can’t see the illogic and immorality of harming humans because of some childish fantasy about “saving the planet.” We’re interested in people who, no matter how crazy or evil, do things without conscience. We watch shows about serial killers. And we watch these so-called whale warriors. It’s all the same.