It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon here in Malibu, California. A school of dolphins frolic in the ocean, visible from the deck of my two story beach house. I’ve invited over my good friend; author, television personality and all around swell guy Greg Gutfeld to talk about his new book “The Bible of Unspeakable Truths.” My Laotian pool boy Hugo has just finished freshening our pina coladas and it’s time to dig into the interview. [Editor’s Note: This interview was conducted via email. Mr. Scott has never met Mr. Gutfeld. Mr. Scott demanded this bogus intro citing the Vanity Fair style guide and insisting that the imagery would make the interview “more interesting for the reader.” Whatever.]
Greg, thanks for stopping by. Let’s get into it.
1) Why write a book of all things? I mean, you’re on TV and you are a King of the Internets. Isn’t a book a technological step backwards? What can we expect next, a hieroglyphic stone tablet or something over the telegraph?
Originally, I had planned to do the book purely via the classic child’s game called “Whisper Down the Lane.” I begin speaking a passage of the book, to one person, who then repeats the passage to someone else. While I’m doing this of course, I’m also beating your naked back with a splintered AFX racing track. It adds a whole dimension to the game, and to your back.
2) Did it take long to write? Was it an ongoing thing that you would nibble at day by day? Or did you sit down one weekend with a carton of menthols, a bottle of Jack and a handgun to crank it out, Hunter S. Thompson style?
Most of the crud I wrote over a span of four years, showing up in Maxim, then the Dailygut.com, as Unspeakable Truths, and Gregalogues. I went back and rewrote a lot of them, and added new ones. I spent a lot of time doing this at a bar, in-between fits of nonsensical shouting and uncontrolled weeping. I would stop working when I was asked to leave. I would return in disguise, and repeat the process. For a good three months they were blaming Frank Rich. During that time, I also wrote most of his columns for the New York Times.
3) Do you think your book is “important,” like the real Bible or “The Scarlet Letter?” Or is it just something fun to read in the bathroom?
“The Scarlet Letter” has to be the most overrated book ever written. It’s like the “Scrubs” of great literature. In that, it seems to be everywhere, but no one you talked to actually likes it. That makes Hester Prynne the Zach Braff of the book, a dismal designation for her. As for the real Bible, that’s an old book. So you can safely conclude that mine is newer. Right now, on Amazon, the King James Bible (a great version), is ranked 15,515. Mine is 190. But the Bible has 32 customer reviews, which is easily twice mine. Someone actually described the Bible as “disappointing.” Which may be the most ridiculous description I have ever heard. Some of the choice comments: “The main character is a bit inconsistent, sometimes appearing kind and loving, while other times wrathful and vengeful.” Also, “The book does suffer a bit from uneven editing, as well.” This critic is a creep. I am guessing he is Frank Rich.
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4) Like me, you’re a Libertarian. How do you explain the fact that almost everybody we talk to agrees with what we say, yet when we turn our backs, they call us “kooky?” Don’t you think every problem in the world would be solved if everyone just stopped taking Stupid Pills and thought like us?
When I turn my back, no one ever calls me kooky, mainly because of the harness which holds the plexiglass shield in place. It’s intimidating, and generally makes the whole thing an easy clean up.
5) Wikipedia tells me this is your fourth book. Will this be your last? Do you have plans for another? Maybe something fictional like Newt Gingrich’s erotic thrillers or Barack Obama’s “Dreams of My Father?”
I am already writing my fifth book, which is the history of the United States as told through the magical language of Esperanto. I explain every issue, every problem, every controversy – in brief chapters. I also wear an eye patch, but never on my eye. An example, from my chapter on Frank Rich, and his deep dark secret: “Frank Riĉa neniam portas pantalonon Ĵaŭdon. Li nomas ĝin neniu(j) pantaloon Ĵaudo”
6) Let’s talk about your show “Red Eye.” How did you score that gig? Is Fox News like public access and you just have to sign up? If that’s the case, my friends and I have an awesome idea for a show. It features puppets and my Pantera tribute band.
A puppet is someone with a fist up their ass. See Sean Penn. The “Red Eye” genesis is pretty simple: Folks at Fox News had been reading my things on my blog, and at the Huffington Post, so they asked to meet me in London. Then I flew to NYC to meet the big wigs (it’s true, they’re actually giant wigs). It was pretty cool: they offered me a job and bottled water. If I remember – the philosophy was described thusly: the show is like a sandwich you make at three a.m. after you come home from drinking and you have only six things in the fridge. What you make is “Red Eye.” Luckily, in my fridge, I had unicorns, dismembered houseboys, Bill Schulz and Andy Levy.
7) I’m hoping you will dish a little on this one. Your show often features very attractive female commentators sitting pole position in the line-up (giggle giggle). So, the question on every red-blooded American male’s mind is…how dreamy is Bill Schulz in person?
He’s really dreamy, if your dreams consist of pain, isolation, hopelessness, bleak acceptance of vice, and impotence. A lot of people don’t realize that we make fun of Bill all the time, because all of those things we say are actually true. He really is a destitute ragamuffin with a strange odor that recalls a mixture of melted butter and discarded swimwear.
8.) Last year, a gay advocacy group called for a boycott of your show. Did that hurt your feelings? Were you surprised, as I was, at their lack of a sense of humor? After all, the gay community has a long tradition of comedy including comics like Ellen, Paul Lynde and Andrew Sullivan.
It’s Paul Lynde. We are the most pro-gay show since “The Six Million Dollar Man” (what do you think “bionics” was code for, people?); but I refuse to defend the show when militant, humorless twits get all Dean Wormer about perceived slights. We’ve asked GLAAD to come on after they throw tantrums, but they never come on, which is cowardly, bizarre and sad. Think about it: they unleash a “press release,” and when you respond to the release, they decline to comment. Kind of defeats the purpose of a press release, no? They’re hilarious in their abilities to parody themselves. How sad that gays must be linked with GLAAD. It’s like being a hot tub salesman and your company spokesman is Roman Polanski.
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9) How much interaction with the rest of the Fox News personalities do you have? Do you play Twister and Scrabble with Beck, O’Reilly, Hannity, and Shep on the weekends? Or is it like when I worked at Best Buy and we camera department guys never talked to the guys in appliances.
Once a month we will head to Western PA, and raise a barn. The fact is, we all get along remarkably well, in that no one talks to me, ever. Except for Governor Huckabee, because on Thursdays we do a summer jam on the roof. We play a lot of early Faust, some Can, and of course Neu! Actually, this whole thing could have been a dream. There was a time when we fought two giant Gryphons to the death, so yeah – it was a dream. I get confused.
10) Your show, which is on in the middle of the night, often beats primetime shows on CNN and MSNBC in the ratings. Do you have any advice for the losers (or should I say “ratings challenged,” to be more PC) who can’t seem to hold an audience? Should Rachel Maddow add a talking newspaper?
I have no advice for anyone, because I’m a not a professional — I’m just a weirdo who stands in front of a camera for an hour. I actually think most of the people on other networks are very capable. And they all wear nice glasses. I bet they all smell really good. Like freshly cooked bread. I wish I smelled like freshly cooked bread. I smell like old cantaloupes.
11) What was the genesis of “Robot Theater?” It’s brilliant and the graphics rule. You should totally sue James Cameron. “Avatar” ripped off what is clearly “Red Eye” proprietary software.
If you go to the website, xtranormal.com, you can make them yourself. We do not create the graphics — we just write the scripts and pick the settings. Robot Theater came around as a fun way to poke fun of Media Matters chuckleheads, purely by confusing them. And it worked beautifully. We write that stuff in five minutes, while Media Matters spends days crafting press releases decrying and condemning thirty seconds from “Fox and Friends.” Compare jobs, and you see how miserable they must feel. Imagine spending your life criticizing an entity that simply works really hard every day. I think I would go mad, or at least grow a really funny beard.
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12) Is there anybody that you really want to have as a guest that you haven’t yet? What about people who are fictitious or dead? And don’t say Darth Vader and the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt, that’s too obvious.
I want Fred Willard. I had him guest edit an issue of Stuff Magazine, and he did a terrific job. But for some reason he’s not up to doing “Red Eye.” Saddens me, to a point of self-mutilation. Also Tobacco, from Black Moth Super Rainbow. His new album, Maniac Meat, is phenomenal. But he’s another dude who won’t do the show. As for dead people: Dave Matthews. He’s dead, at least inside.
13) You are a witty guy. Is there anyone out there who scares you in the riffing department? Anyone who you think would school you? Personally, I have this recurring nightmare where I’m on Charlie Rose with Christopher Hitchens, and Hitchens owns me. Then I realize that Charlie Rose is actually a talking sunflower and Hitchens has the edge because I’m only wearing a thong.
I’m scared of a lot people. There was a guy I met on the bus the other day who promised everything would be fine, but it was a lie, and since then I cannot find my nipples. If you see a guy with a glad bag full of nipples, tell him to call me. I won’t press charges, and actually the whole evening was kinda fun — even in the Emergency Room.
14) What’s the deal with the unicorn/griffin thing? I thought this was settled centuries ago when the great Arch Wizard Mandrake II declared that unicorns ruled the outer realms? Seriously, why the unicorn fetish? And why compare them to griffin? Clearly, this should be a Pegasus/unicorn discussion.
Everyone experiences unicorns differently. I have no reason to explain or defend how important unicorns play in “Red Eye,” and society, in general. Mock me if you will about this “thing”– but I swear if you do, I will kill you in your sleep. And by kill, I really mean get really close to your face, and stare. I like watching people sleep. It’s like trainspotting, but the trains don’t move. I take notes, and ears.
15) You spent a lot of time back in the day as a magazine editor. Kudos for bailing on that sinking ship, by the way. Did your politics ever enter into the discussion over what articles to run? Did you ever refuse to run something because it was just too biased for you to stomach? Along those lines, you were editor of Men’s Health, I believe. Any tips for losing 15 pounds quick? Summer is approaching and I need to get back my “bikini bod.”
Men’s Health was the only time politics affected my job. I found it increasingly difficult to do a magazine that spoke directly to men about their lives, while also having to placate a political correct, emasculating culture of feelers (instead of thinkers). Men’s Health under Mike Lafavore, then myself, made it a tough, smart read that was disarmingly honest about life. After Denis Boyles and I left, it became an emasculated shell of a service rag — a magazine for women, pretending to be men. As for losing 15 pounds quick, try gastric bypass. Very underrated, lots of fun, and I can do it in my garage for 400 bucks. It’ll take an hour, there will be some bleeding, but i have gauze and special sweat pants – made from previous patients.
16) Settle a bet for me. My friends say Pinch the talking newspaper is voiced by Bill Schulz. I say he’s real. My girlfriend says it’s the voice of Frank Oz, you know, the guy who does Bugs Bunny.
Pinch is actually Adrien Brody. Yep — the gentleman farmer has really fallen since “The Pianist.”
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17) Now, some quick hits. I’ll list some political hot topics and you give me your “Gut” reaction. Get it? Ha. Ha. Oh, nevermind…
-President Obama.
“Thesis” smart. Not a great thing.
-Immigration.
Let .em in, but through the door.
-Tea Parties (political ones, not the ones with the Door Mouse and Mad Hatter):
With things like the Tea Party and Sarah Palin, my support is defined by those who hate them. The Tea Party movement is interesting — as I have said before: the media hates them because they aren’t media-approved protesters. They don’t play the part. They aren’t scraggly, shrill, hyperactive dicks. They don’t throw chairs because they own them.
-MSNBC:
Five letters that are very useful in my everyday spelling. Cannot spell “Massage my naked back” without them.
-Sean Penn:
Miserable jerk on a crusade to prove he’s not just a miserable jerk.
-Oil Spills:
Catastrophes are a reality of life, but this is not 9/11.
-Porn:
The Western World’s biggest and worst distraction. That this poison is pumped into our homes freely amazes me, and I’m hard to amaze. And pin down. I can prove it. Take off your shirt.
-Texas School Board Curriculum Changes:
A great name for a band.
-November Elections:
Wish they were now. Wish you were gunna stop with these questions.
-Lesbian Porn:
I’ve stopped now
-2012 Presidential Race:
Vote Gutfeld/Fluffy McNutter.
-David Shuster’s Hair:
Repels bullets.
-Gophers:
Great, only if marinated overnight.
-Healthcare:
Fabricated hysteria that will blow up in our faces.
-And…porn:
Snore.
18) Lastly, your Wikipedia page is rather short compared to some like Napoleon or Vlad Tepes (he’s the guy who inspired Dracula). What else belongs in there? What is left to accomplish in the life of Greg?
Finishing this very long interview. I am jumping on a plane. Which is really silly since you should really enter through the gate.
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Whew. That was tough. Looks like we need another drink. Hugo!
Man, I haven’t had this much fun since our days back at Berkley or the time we ran into those bounty hunters on Ord Mantell.
Thanks again for stopping by, Greg. The boat back to New York should be here any minute. Safe travels.