Daily Gut: The Joy of Intolerance

So our nation’s top high school paper, USA Today, just published a big poll on all things political. The conclusion: Americans hate everything.

They are, in a word, hatist.

For example, the favorable rating for Democrats has dwindled to 41% – the lowest since Gallup began asking the question nearly two decades ago -and its standing has dropped 14 points since the Great One’s election. That makes us shamefully Democrat-ist.

Also, 50% say the O-man doesn’t deserve re-election. According my figures, that’s half. But I’ll double check. (Yep, it’s half). That means half of America is not simply racist, but also Obama-ist, and electionist, two words I just made up and will tattoo on my thighs.

Meanwhile, three out of four folks say they are dissatisfied with the country’s direction. Three out of four. And they aren’t even dentists – but they are directionist. They make me sick to my stomach. I hate my stomach. I am stomachist. It blocks the view when I’m standing over a mirror.

Of course, the paper also reports that the majority in the poll aren’t pleased with John Boehner. That makes them Boenerist. And also orange-ist. One day I hope to live in a world where we can stop judging folks on the content of their SPF. Those polled are also bummed by Senate leader Mitch McConnell, which in my mind, makes them ageist, wrinklest and glassist. Also turkeyist, since he kinda looks like a turkey. A nice one, though.

There are other figures in the poll, but halfway through I got angry. I hate polls. You might say I’m pollist – a seething hatred based on the fact that I hate pie charts. Stupid pie charts. Never any pie.

Bottom line, if everyone hates everything, they can’t all be racist. Perhaps there’s an actual legitimate reason for all this intense unease.

Oh yeah: our President is from Hawaii. God I hate that island country.

And if you disagree with me, you’re a racist homophobe who feeds puppies to Nicholas Cage.

Tonight, Professor Mark Lamont Hill, Alison Rosen, Brook Goldstein, and Dr. Michael Baden!