My Top 10 Least Anticipated Movies for 2010

The year has barely begun and there are plenty of movies in the can awaiting their big screen release. Looking at the list, I can only admit to being stoked about two: Iron Man 2 and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. Yee haw!

Most of the films on the list fall into my ambiguity zone – I couldn’t care less one way or another. Yet some fall into the “there’s absolutely no way I’d waste $10.50 plus the cost of snacks on this one” category.

Here they are, in order of their release. You may or may not agree with my assessments, so have at it in the comments section:

Valentine’s Day (in theaters now): Another vanity project that crams in as many big names that would say “Yes.” Directed by Garry Marshall, the “all star cast” includes (in alphabetical order) Jessica Alba, Kathy Bates, Jessica Biehl, Bradley Cooper, Eric Dane, Patrick Dempsey, Hector Elizondo, Jamie Foxx, Jessica Garner, Topher Grace, Anne Hathaway, Ashton Kutcher, Queen Latifah, Taylor Lautner, George Lopez , Shirley MacLaine, Emma Roberts, Julia Roberts, Taylor Swift and Carter Jenkins. The movie follows the “intertwining storylines of a group of Los Angelinos as they find their way through romance over the course of one Valentine’s Day.” In other words, yet another cross-generational movie about how the beautiful people deal with love. Yawn.

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Alice in Wonderland (March 5): Alice in Wonderland is indeed a strange tale. Alice’s curiosity prompts her to follow a talking rabbit with a pocket watch down a hole and enters a land of odd creatures where nothing is as it seems, replete with talking animals and a power crazy queen whose army is a walking, talking deck of cards – and of course, she finds it was all a dream. The 1951 Disney animated film made this a favorite of children of all ages – which is why the idea of creepy Tim Burton taking over kind of bums me out. I was initially excited about seeing his version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but in the end was disappointed. Instead of Willie Wonka being a fun-loving man who just enjoys making candy and takes us along on his wacky adventures, we got Johnny Depp as a Willie Wonka whose father was dentist and ruined Willie’s childhood by forcing him to wear a horrible contraption on his head to straighten his teeth and wouldn’t allow him to have any candy. Because Willie’s childhood was “taken away” from him (think Michael Jackson, whom Depp reportedly used as inspiration for his character), he becomes a man desperate to relive his childhood. Sad. Depp is once again teaming up with Burton for Alice. Depp’s a fine actor, but I shudder to see what the two of them will do to this story.

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Green Zone (March 12): Matt “I Love Howard Zinn and I’m smarter than Sarah Palin” Damon in a movie about war. That pretty much sums it up.

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Wall Street 2 (April 23): Gordon Gekko is back. Sigh … again with the remakes. But Wall Street is once again in liberals’ sights as a symbol of all that is wrong with the world. The plot via IMDB: “As the global economy teeters on the brink of disaster, a young Wall Street trader partners with disgraced former Wall Street corporate raider Gordon Gekko on a two-tiered mission: To alert the financial community to the coming doom, and to find out who was responsible for the death of the young trader’s mentor.” Everyone’s favorite nerd Shia LaBeouf joins Wall Street veteran Michael Douglas in the sequel, directed once again by Oliver “I Love Castro” Stone. What’s not to, er, like?

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A Nightmare on Elm Street (April 30): The first Nightmare movie was shocking partly because it was different: a child murderer preys on the children of a lynch mob who killed him by entering their dreams. How can that be topped? Has Hollywood become so bankrupt in the idea department that it has to remake horror flicks from the 1980s?

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Sex in the City 2 (May 28): Haven’t we seen enough of these self-absorbed, sex-addicted, relationship-phobic women who have nothing better to do than to shop, do lunch and talk about … well, sex? Frankly, they’re getting a little long in the tooth for this sort of thing. Before you know it, they’ll be starring in Sex in the Nursing Home. And for the record, I am not one of those SJP haters…I happen to think she’s an attractive and talented woman. But let’s move on already.

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A-Team (June 11): When I was in high school, the A-Team was one of the top TV shows. Yes, I am showing my age. I watched it occasionally, but knew people who scheduled their evenings around it. A bunch of ex-U.S. Army Special Forces guys are on the run for a “crime they didn’t commit” become soldiers of fortune whose clients are always somehow oppressed. It was a product of its age: over-the-top action and over-the-top characters. I do enjoy watching reruns, but again wonder why Hollywood can’t seem to get out of the rut of revamping either old movies or old television shows for today’s audiences. The only bright side I can see are appearances by original A-Team stars Dirk Benedict and Dwight Schultz.

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Karate Kid (June 11): In the original film, Ralph Macchio plays Daniel, a teen whose divorced mother moves them from New Jersey to California. A fish out of water who is bullied by the local jerks – who happen to all belong to the same karate school run by a creep with a violent streak – Macchio is befriended by Mr. Miyagi, under whose handyman exterior is an accomplished martial artist and who teaches him that martial arts are more than just about beating up your opponent. “Wax on, wax off” became a catchphrase of the day (heh, I still say it). The new movie has the single mom and her son moving to China, but the rest of the plot is pretty much the same. As you might have already figured out, I’m not a big fan of remakes and am leery of films that don’t have an original storyline.

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Piranha 3-D (August 27): Since Avatar’s success, be prepared to be inundated with 3-D movies. In Piranha, a tremor under Lake Victoria unleashes the voracious ancient piranhas, leaving Sheriff Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue) to save the hapless townsfolk. Poor Elisabeth. … true stardom has always eluded her and she is now relegated to doing films about man-eating fish that jump out of the screen at the audience. And it’s not even the very first horror movie about these killer fish (surprise!). Watch for appearances by Christopher Lloyd, Richard Dreyfuss and Jerry O’Connell (whom I really loved in his online spoof of Tom Cruise giving a creepy Scientology talk). Bottom line: If you loved Anaconda, you’ll probably love Piranha. If not, it’s probably best to save your money and your sanity.

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Jackass 3-D (October 15): What did I tell you? 3-D! And not just any 3-D movie, but a movie about a bunch of men who refuse to grow up and go around perpetrating stupid, dangerous pranks and stunts for their own amusement – and get paid for it. It’s based, of course, on the television show from MTV (remember when they actually used to feature music videos?) and the previous two Jackass movies. I’m sorry to say that Johnny Knoxville, whose career was launched by this series and whose biggest role to date was Luke Duke in the Dukes of Hazzard movie, and all of his friends are back. I’m not necessarily a comedy snob, but I don’t find humor in watching people hurt themselves.