Sleeping With The Colonel: Stand-Up Comedy In Iraq

OK, we were just bunking, actually. In a trailer surrounded by cement t-walls in Baghdad. As gigs went, this one was a little OUT there.

I’ve recently returned from eight days entertaining the troops in Kuwait and Iraq with four other comics (Carole Montgomery, Felicia Michaels, Leighann Lord and Mark Riccadonna-all are hilarious, btw). We were joined on the trip by Col. Ed Shock, who heads up Armed Forces Entertainment. He’s a clean living, dedicated military professional who I hope we didn’t corrupt too much. At the very least, the good colonel is probably rethinking his “no alcohol” policy now.

This experience was rewarding in ways I am only now beginning to process. It’s easy to question one’s decision to opt for stand-up as a career, especially when hanging out with friends who have things like retirement plans, houses and food for dinner. After this trip I wouldn’t trade the job for anything. Even if I win the lottery I’ll show up for work at the crack of 7:00 PM the next night.

Dealing with the double whammy of politics and the entertainment industry all the time can set anyone’s cynicism in stone and leave you wondering if there’s been a ban on good people put in effect. We met some thoroughly amazing Americans every day while we were there. In large numbers, too. The kinds of people that we never get to read or hear about over here because it’s not worthy fodder for the twenty-four hour news grinder. But I’ve got a big mouth (and a big keyboard) and I’m going to do what I can to let people know just how many quality people there are covering our butts overseas.

Only truly remarkable people could inspire a group of notoriously late-sleeping comedians to cheerfully pop out of bed early every day, hop on a Blackhawk (Sweetest. Ride. Ever.) and do a lunch time show outside. We couldn’t wait to meet these men and women each day. I was up before the sun and borderline gregarious without fail. Generally I don’t like to speak to people until, um, August or so.

It’s a shame that the Bill Mahers and James Camerons of the entertainment world get all the press when it comes to the military. This industry is actually full of people who wholeheartedly support our troops, regardless of political ideology. We had quite a mix of political backgrounds on this tour ranging from very far left to far right (“Present”) but our attitudes toward the troops and what they were doing were similar. Armed Forces Entertainment and several other organizations send entertainers out all year long who are the antithesis of the anti-military drivel that permeates the entertainment industry.

While hundreds (if not thousands) of entertainers go overseas every year without any mention, a couple of moments of verbal insanity from Bill Maher get all kinds of attention. On his new HBO special, Maher presents evidence of a home lobotomy by saying “We love the troops the way Michael Vick loves dogs.” He followed that gem up with, “You know how I would feel supported if I were a troop overseas? If the people back home were clamoring to get me out of this pointless errand.”

The inferences are easy to make here. The troops must be feeling abandoned by the higher-ups who put them in this position. They feel least appreciated when asked to do the very thing that they volunteered to do. Throw in the occasional implication that they’re all in the military because they had no other real choice and a picture gets painted that has little, if anything, to do with the reality of the situation.

I can’t claim to know everything about everyone I met on this trip but I do know what I saw. As there was no alcohol available for the entire tour, I know for once that my recollections are, for the most part, clear-headed and accurate.

I also know what I didn’t see or hear: disgruntled troops whining about their mission.

The Gigs. The People.

Every day in Iraq was a bit surreal for me, as I was surrounded by people who had guns and I was without a weapon. As a conservative who lives in West L.A. I’m used to the opposite being true.

We’d have breakfast in a hunting lodge that Saddam built for what we were told were his friends. Of course, one man’s friends are another’s “people who smile a lot while soiling themselves as they fear torture and death”. It was all part of a massive recreational complex that the psycho dictator stole money and water from his people to construct.

Then we’d pile into a van for a quick ride to the helicopters. It was during this ride that we would mark the exact time and contributor of the first off-color reference of the day. Hey, corporate types have morning meetings, comedians have morning you-know-what jokes. And we’ve never asked for a bailout.

We got to eat a meal at each base before we did the shows, which provided us with a great opportunity to talk to at least a few of the troops. The meet & greet sessions after each show were always hurried (“The choppers are on their way!”) and didn’t give us much one-to-one time so we really enjoyed the meals. Even the food. Seriously. There was always ice cream.

It didn’t matter if we were at a big, relatively well appointed camp or a dingy forward operating base (FOB), our escorts were, without fail, good-humored and fun. I’ve never encountered a group of people who had more legitimate reasons to bitch about their jobs yet never did so. I couldn’t make it out of the Radisson in Kuwait without whining about the coffee.

One of the first FOBs we visited was particularly memorable. It was a tiny place that looked like it had been thrown together with whatever they could find. It was also situated in an area that’s got a lot of Saddam’s old cronies roaming around and had seen a rise in violence recently because of the upcoming Iraqi elections.

We did the show in a small courtyard for maybe 20-30 guys (no women at this base) and had a great time. The choppers were going to be later than usual so this was one of the rare times we got to hang out after the meet and greet and talk to some people.

A bunch of the guys who were at the show began throwing on their gear to head out on patrol. We were all laughing and joking around when they asked us to take a group photo with them. With no discernible apprehension or drama, they thanked us and took off. As their Strykers were pulling out, our guide for the day explained that three of their group had been blown up in a particularly vicious grenade attack the week before (the grenades were wrapped in shards of glass). Without elaborating, he said that none of the men died but they’d never be returning. Then he said “There are just some really bad people out there.”

This same guide (I have all their names, I just forgot to ask for permission to use some of them so I’m not using any) then gave us a detailed tour of a Stryker while letting us crawl all over it and act like idiot comics. We asked him about his family and, as everyone we ran into did, he beamed and bragged about them, but didn’t complain about his job. I keep talking about it because the contrast between the situation and the attitudes never ceased to amaze me.

Another FOB was in Baghdad. We were the first entertainers there in a year because it hadn’t been safe enough to bring anyone there. So they were a little happier to see us than the Friday second show crowd in your average comedy club. They hadn’t had a rocket warning in almost two weeks (and that was a dud) so they were positively giddy, it seemed. (Two weeks is the standard “safe to send in comedians for a show” quiet period. If the most recent rocket attack has been less than that, the military will consider sending in mimes, but no one else.)

One of our last gigs was somewhere out near the Syrian/Jordanian border at the very definition of an “outpost”. This show was special for us because it was the first time we got to meet and thank one of our Blackhawk crews. It was a lot of fun once I got over the fact that they all looked 14 with their helmets off. Various Blackhawk crews had been hauling us all over Iraq for a few days and all we ever got to do was nod and wave to them. The bonus here was that no one higher up could screw up the scheduling because we were so far out that the crew had to stay with us. We’d all learned that “The choppers will be here in five minutes,” was the military equivalent of “The check’s in the mail,” by then. These guys were gracious enough to take some extra time for photographs with them and the birds.

There was a lot of laughter during the shows, obviously, but I also kept noticing the senses of humor everyone around us had. There was a sergeant in Kuwait who I’m sure will show up on “Last Comic Standing” as soon as he’s out (our security detail there had its moments too). At every base the men and women would make each other laugh when were just stuffing our faces or getting our pictures taken. If they were merely putting on a show for the visitors they were all Oscar-caliber performers.

I contrasted that with the most frequent entertainment industry military stereotype I’ve encountered. Whenever I see military types portrayed on television or in movies they always seem to be a bit two-dimensional (white and pissed off). The mix of people we had the honor of meeting cranked up the heat on the melting pot to “11”. Every region of the country, ethnicity, background and age seemed to be represented. There were young people who recently and voluntarily signed up for what Maher called this “pointless errand”. I won’t speak for any of them but I can’t imagine someone putting him or herself in harm’s way to achieve something that’s ultimately “pointless”.

No, I’m pretty sure that everyone of the troops has reasons that are deeper and far more nuanced than a lot of the bigger mouths in the entertainment industry give them credit for. If only the minds could open widely when the mouths were doing the same.

I am eternally grateful to Armed Forces Entertainment for this opportunity. We’re all actually itching to go back soon, which is something we get to feel because the troops are there doing their jobs brilliantly.

But I have to sleep with a colonel. I just can’t start that high and bunk with a lower rank.