The 'F' Word

Rahm Emanuel. (I’m shaking my head slowly). It’s not his real name you know. “Emmanuel” means “God with us” and that is not his real name. It’s Auerbach. Look it up. And…Rahm means “high” or “lofty.” Mark Levin calls him “the creepy ballerina.” I think he looks like the devil. I’m just saying. He talks like the devil. I’m sure you heard that he called the Democrats “F—ing retards.” Everyone got mad at the Retard word and no one got mad at the “F” word. My dad said that people only make fun of the reproductive and excretory systems of the human body and no one should because God made the human body and it is a masterpiece.

What is it with all these people throwing the “F” word around like a basketball?

I never heard the word until I was about 23 and entering show business. Show business people say it all the time. It’s vulgar and stupid. It’s what kids on the playground say to prove they are tough because they are really insecure. My brother said it comes from the German word “fricktin” – to plow.

My daughter when she was 8 asked me if she was allowed to say F-A-R-T. I said, “Absolutely not. Even if we weren’t Christians, it is not lady like. Besides, when do you ever need to say it? When someone does one you are supposed to pretend you didn’t smell or hear it. That’s polite.”

“Pleasssse Mommy,” she pleaded. “Everybody says it. Even my teachers.”

“Well, we don’t say it. We say Putt Putt. Aubbie is a nut. She has a rubber butt. And every time she turns around it goes putt putt. My Mom taught me that.”

“What?! Everyone would make fun of me if I said that.”

“Why do you have to be like everyone? Why don’t you be a trendsetter? Call it a razzamatazz. I bet everyone will copy you. But, wait, when do you have to say this?”

“Jasmine talks about it all the time.”

“Oh. Jasmine who stole your lunch money and talks about sex?”

“Can I say Fert?”

I finally said, “Honey, if you start with the bad words, like F-A-R-T, it leads to F-U-C-K and that leads to cigarettes, and that leads to alcohol, and that leads to pot, then coke, and then heroin.”

“Mommy, you think if I say Fert, I will become a heroin addict.”

“Yep…or worse, Rahm Emanuel. Good Night!”