A onetime global but now aging action hero once told me in private how he took pity on an ugly woman pining for an autograph by taking her to bed, only to find that he couldn’t reach climax until he stood up, gazed upon his own image in a full length mirror and finished himself off. Hollywood’s award season is upon us and we are that ugly woman.
The first few months of every New Year, Hollywood accessorizes itself by folding back the sidewalks of Los Angeles and New York and laying down a bed of red carpet. They dress the night up with flashing bulbs, free booze and silicone injected starlets wrapped in ten-thousand dollar Vera Wang sequined napkins. They walk the carpet, upright men in monkey suits, holding fifty thousand dollar gift bags and smiling for the cameras. The cameras suck them in as they sashay and pose, they tell funny little antidotes about how life should be for everyone, while adding how normal they are because they’ve started taking the latest mystical potion.
Awards use to mean something, you used to have to work for them, earn them, there had to be justification in the act of taking hold of the accolade. Hollywood’s season of self-touching has simply become a means to sell liberalism, sadism, sexism, misogyny, multiculturalism, anti-Americanism and the popcorn that socialist someday won’t let you eat because they’re in charge of your health care.
The only thing more absurd on TV than every sporting event being sponsored by fast food chains, banks, insurance or credit card companies is the overload of Hollywood award shows that get smeared across our culture the second Dick Clark slurs us into the New Year.
So pop your popcorn and put extra butter it, because movie actors, singers, critics and all the other dressed-up people in Hollywood are coming to tell you what’s best to watch, while subtlety telling you what’s best for you.
Here’s a list of Hollywood award shows and who their corresponding sponsors should be as they get tossed-off like a cringed-faced-money-shot you had to pay for.
JANUARY
Jan. 3
• National Society of Film Critics Awards – sponsored by Preparation-H
This is a good show to start with because it gives you a glimpse at who’s telling America what’s best to see at the multiplex. Here are some of names and who they work for. Thelma Adams-US Weekly, John Anderson-Newsday, Melissa Anderson-Time Out New York, David Ansen-Newsweek, Dwight Brown-NNPA & UPSCALE, Richard Corliss-Time, Mike D’Angelo-Esquire Magazine, Denby David-New York Magazine, David Fear-Time Out New York, Marshall Fine-Star Magazine, Owen Gleiberman-Entertainment Weekly, J. Hoberman-Village Voice, Stuart Klawans -The Nation, Lou Lumenick-New York Post, Joe Morgenstern-Wall Street Journal,(He must have slipped past security.), Rex Reed-New York Observer.
The list goes on from there with every liberal rag you can name on the board of critics. In a move for more diversity I suggest they bring in Bill Kristol of the Weekly Standard and Charles Krauthammer of the Washington Post.
Jan. 11
• New York Film Critics’ Awards – sponsored by Eric Holder and the 9-11 trials
This is the same sphincter clinching group as above just with a bigger party and more expensive gift bags. Extra security will be requested next year because even though they think it’s great for the world to see how nice we are, they’re feeling unsafe because of the terrorist now posing as tourist near the court house.
Jan. 14
• Critics Choice Awards – sponsored by Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew
Take the same group from January 3rd and 11th, hand each a twelve pack of condoms, order a bunch of private jets, fly them to L.A. and let them dress down because the show is produced by VH1.
Jan. 17
• Annual Golden Globe Awards – sponsored by Rosetta Stone
This is the show that gets the big celebrities started on a bit of self foreplay because they get to address the world press with subliminal political messages about how they wish we were more like Europe. It’s also a good sign as to who the Academy is going to vote for because those members seem global in their thinking also, due to the fact that they need money from foreign countries to make Hollywood war films when they can’t get the dough from the owner of an NBA team.
Jan. 23
• Annual SAG Awards – sponsored by The Restaurant Association of America
This is the awards show were all the waiters in LA and NYC find someone to cover their shift, get dressed up and watch the show on a large screen TV while standing over a bowl of salsa. It’s filled with stars giving a shout out to their common man, those working blue collar jobs but holding a SAG card.
Jan. 24
• Producers Guild Awards – sponsored by Satin
No one in Hollywood knows what a producer actually does and because of that they give out awards so they too can be seen.
Jan. 30
• Annual Directors Guild Awards – sponsored by China
Oddly enough this awards show is probably the most respectful and civil of the bunch, but, it’s held in secret the way Hollywood Communists used to do it.
Jan. 31
• Grammy Awards – sponsored by Thomson Correctional Center of Illinois
Same description as the Oscar Awards found below except some of these people can play an instrument. This show comes with additional felonies.
FEBRUARY
Feb. 20
• Writers Guild of America Awards – sponsored by Post It
No one in Hollywood or the public pays any attention to these awards and only writers in shorts and cardigans show up for them. I mean, come on, they’re writers.
Feb. 26 • Annual NAACP Image Awards – sponsored by Acorn
The multi-cultural awards show from an African-American point of view. (Their words not mine.) Basically this is the black Oscars where no white people win anything.
MARCH
March 5
• Independent Spirit Awards – sponsored by Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus
In the 90’s this really was independent and on the edge of Hollywood. Now it’s just a puff piece down by the beach representing films with 20 million dollar budgets, Apple gift bags and catered by Whole Foods. The acceptance speeches are peppered with the F-word and more radical when it comes to political messages. It’s also a reason for young stars to get loaded in the middle of the day while dressed up in clothes from Hot Topic.
March 6
• Razzie Awards – sponsored by Big Hollywood
Of all the awards shows this is the most honest and the only one that should be televised globally. It should be hosted by Big Hollywood’s editor and Chief John Nolte because he’s the only critic out there with an honest eye and one willing to call a film crap when it’s dumped in our lap. His co-host should be Big Hollywood’s founder Andrew Breitbart because he never watches movies and it’s fun to see him talk at a podium after a couple of beers.
March 7
• Annual Academy Awards – sponsored by ObamaCare, Global Warming and Darfur
At this awards show the actors bed down on the red carpet and be what they really are, show horses, dressed in other company’s clothes, jewelry and makeup all with a master plan that you’ll go out and buy the cheap knock offs when the product comes to Target. They are, on this day, simple thespians wearing sandwich-boards.
This year’s show will be a tag team event hosted by a guy who’s now known for playing a banjo and a chubby guy who’s now funnier than the guy who plays the banjo. They’ll do silly little skits written by politically correct hacks and get edgy when they make a flattering joke about President Obama.
As stars get their awards they’ll thank everyone under the sun except for Joe the Plumber, who paid the nine bucks to see the unoriginal celluloid roll mindlessly across his view on a Friday night after a 10 hour workday.
All the dead celebrities from last year will get four seconds of face time and everyone will cheer their brilliance no matter what they did with their real lives. And after the show being as long winded and exaggerated as a Dan Rather news report, it will end, you won’t remember it, and like watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, you can’t get those three hours of your life back.
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These are just a few of the self-congratulatory awards show that infect our culture every year, only to start up again next year like that herpes sore you thought you’d seen the last of. This glamorous circle jerk keeps celebrities in our site because show business people don’t want to be what they really are, poltergeists, only seen and made real by us. Without us they may as well go into the light, go onto the light.
Hollywood wants to bed the prom queen not the ugly girl that let you have your way with her. So the next time you’re ogling so and so wishing you could be more like them, or hoping to meet your action hero on the back nine, remember, you’re just an ugly woman pinning for their love and the only way they can get you off them, is by getting themselves off with another award in hand.