Book Excerpt: 'Seize the Day Job' — Part 2

As much as I love writing about film and politics, my first and biggest love lies in writing humor pieces of all types: jokes for my own and others’ stand-up acts, screenplays and TV scripts that admittedly haven’t sold yet, plus “SNL”-style sketches for Chicago’s legendary Second City theater. But my proudest accomplishment in humor writing came with the book “Seize the Day Job! The Humor Book Al-Qaeda Kept You from Reading,” which I co-wrote with Chicago comic Tim Joyce.

It was a spoof of self-help advice books and offers rants and essays about the crazy world we’re living in, mainly focusing on most of society’s utter lack of manners and common sense. And because Tim and I are on COMPLETELY opposite sides of the fence politically, that dynamic made the writing crisper, funnier, edgier and a whole lot of fun to read.

We first teamed up with a book called “Life: The Final Frontier,” which came out in Aug. 2001 and was doing well until 9/11 came along and we had 55 radio interviews canceled because the nation understandably went into mourning. But last year, we decided to try again in the true American can-do, bounce-back spirit and we got the rights to “Life” back, added 60 percent new material and re-released it through an indie publisher called Razor 7, with glowing cover endorsements from such comic and writing luminaries as Comedy Central superstar Carlos Mencia, Esquire editor and two-time national best selling humorist AJ Jacobs, and Laugh Factory owner Jamie Masada.

In the interest of the Thanksgiving season, I thought this excerpt might lend some laughs amid the hard times as people prepare to travel to their loved ones. If you like it and want to know more about how to get the book, click here and learn more about it and a great one-week-only deal. Either way, hope you enjoy this and the next excerpt on another frustration of daily life – basic auto maintenance!

Here’s an excerpt from a chapter about modern etiquette:

Living in America means that we have some fundamental freedoms, and one of the biggest is the freedom to travel. We’re Americans – so we have the right (or at least the ability) to go anywhere we want on the planet (except Osama bin Laden’s hiding place, and Al Qaeda’s HQ).

But just because you CAN fly when,how or where you want, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. In fact, there’s tons of people who should never set foot on a plane or in an airport or, well, just about anywhere in public. And therein lies the need for a few basic rules.

FLIGHT – or WANNA GET INSIDE A GIANT METAL TUBE 30,000 FEET ABOVE THE EARTH?

You’ve gotta love air travel. It’s one of the great inventions in human history, and can take us from one end of the planet to another within a matter of hours. Flying used to be a grand concept, something to look forward to, the glamorous way to go anywhere.

But nowadays, that sense of excitement is replaced by fear and dread: of terrorists, plain old crashes, endless waits in airport security, and a general reduction in service that now leaves you paying for your damn peanuts.

Seriously, tack a dollar on to my ticket price and I won’t mind, but DON’T tell me you’re charging me for a half-ounce pack of unsalted snack treats. I can perhaps think of no better example of just how friggin’ cheap big business has become.

Sure, there’s the first class section on a plane to allegedly make your life better. But is it really worth double the ticket price just to feel a little more comfy for the 90-minute flight from Milwaukee to Cleveland? It’s the only section you can still get served a meal in while flying, but come on: you should be paying them NOT to force airplane food on you, rather than REQUESTING a meal.

Forget about “Snakes on a Plane,” it’s space on a plane that’s truly terrifying. There’s not enough room for me to even stretch my legs, but I have to wear a seatbelt so I don’t fly down the aisle if we crash. Right. Seat belts are supposed to keep you from flying out the window of your car. So what the hell’s the point of having them on a plane? Do they really think a 300 pound guy like me is going to be thrust 200 feet down the narrow center aisle, slammed through the steel-reinforced cockpit door, crashed through the front windows, and then launched forevermore into the ether?

And don’t ever fly into or out of Florida, unless you’re willing to spend an extra three days getting on and of f the plane. There’s so many old people in wheelchairs, it’s like a flying hospital in the sky. And I love how planes are the one form of transportation that needs to tell you 20 ways to survive a crash before you even take off.

At least there’s not as many ex-cons and felons as on Greyhound – unless you’re on Southwest, which is so cheap, I call it Greyhound in the Sky. If you can’t afford to fly Southwest, save your money, buy a gun and kill yourself. At least you won’t be spending three days going cross-country with a guy who just got out of the clink for being a child molester.

GOIN’ GREYHOUND – or THE SUREST SIGN YOUR LIFE ISN’T GOING SO WELL

Riding a bus across town is scary and embarrassing enough, but riding a cross-country just to save 56 bucks that you’re going to spend on the crappy food at rest stops anyway is ridiculous. But hell, even I’ve ridden Greyhound a few times (including to Vegas – ah, the glamorous life!) so here’s some tips to alleviate your trauma:

First, beware of everyone around you. Possibly even the driver. You never expected to see the other riders outside of a carnival midway or a racist ’70s cop show. There’s two types of people who ride Greyhound: convicts and grandmas. Both are likely to sport tattoos, and sometimes you can’t tell the groups apart. Let’s just say there’s some scary grandmas on Greyhound.

There was a dude once onboard who had tattoos above his eyebrows. Then, just as I was thinking, “He never cares if he gets a job again,” he admits openly and loudly that he just got out of prison. Trust me, there’s nothing you can say to a guy like that that can lead to a more productive or healthy situation, so don’t say anything.

In addition, almost everyone who rides on Greyhound looks like they’ve stepped out of a Diane Arbus photo. But hey, this is life on the edge. Who cares if the most normal-looking person on the bus is an Irishman with one eye? The conversation is straight out of a David Lynch movie, but the travelers are genuine Americans. The experience will leave you praying for our nation’s future.

A full day of fun for all, to be certain. In any case, pack a camera. You can use the photos in court later when you sue Greyhound, and your grandkids will cherish photos of freaks at the turn of the millennium for decades to come.

With all the human tragedy buses and trains have to offer, not to mention the unique friendships one can forge there, how could you ever consider riding a plane again?