One day a few years ago, back in Scotland, my brother and his friend Kenny were reminiscing about the knocks and scrapes of growing up. It was all fairly normal stuff until Kenny suddenly blurted out:
‘Yeah, it’s like the first time you win a square go with your dad!’
Now for those among you who did not grow up in West Fife let me explain the meaning of ‘a square go.’ This is a game that requires you to take turns punching your opponent in the face as hard as you can, until one of you passes out or begs the other to stop.
Naturally my brother looked at Kenny in shock. And for the first time in his life Kenny began to suspect that smacking your dad really hard in the face and vice versa was not necessarily a universal bonding experience.
Oscar-winning actress Hilary Swank may be having that kind of moment right now. If she isn’t, she should be. Earlier in the month she gave an interview to Joanna Coles of Marie Claire magazine (one of my favorite reads, of course) when the entirely banal conversation took a surprising turn:
Coles: What do you sleep in?
Swank: I don’t sleep in anything. Do you sleep in a nightgown?
Coles: I sleep in pj’s. I have two young sons, so I have to be conscious of that.
Swank: Well, my boyfriend’s son is 6 years old, and you wonder at what age you should stop walking around nude. Every morning he comes into the bedroom, and you’re just nude. But he doesn’t look twice; he doesn’t think about it yet. I just toss and turn too much when I sleep, and if I’m in clothes, I get all twisted up.
Don’t you just hate it when you get all twisted up? That’s why I do my grocery shopping nude. Now admittedly, they call the cops every time I get near the entrance. But I just can’t stand restraints on my personal freedom, man.
But I digress. What I really want to do is address Ms. Swank directly (I know she’s a keen Big Hollywood reader). So here we go.
Hilary: I hate to break it to you like this, but speaking as a former six year old boy…
HE DOES THINK ABOUT IT.
Trust me. He’s just not letting on, out of fear that you’ll put some clothes on. In fact, he can’t believe his luck. Every day he gets to see a naked chick walking about the house, just letting it all hang out. Now he doesn’t think about it in the same way a sixteen year-old boy would, but believe me — it’s like Christmas come every day for that little boy in the Swank household. I’ll also wager he races to school every day and boasts about it to all his little friends. And they’re all jealous.
The truth is, I’m not sure what to make of this story. Is it yet another example of whacked out showbiz values, a bit like Iggy Pop taking his son to seedy nightclubs when all the kid wanted to do was stay home and play with his toys? That didn’t work out well. Pop junior never talks to his dad, I hear. Then I thought maybe Swank had grown up on some kind of hippy commune and that mutual grown woman/little boy nudity might be ‘normal’ for her. But I just checked Wikipedia and Swank’s father was a military officer, so that explanation is out. Or is she just incredibly naïve? Either way, she doesn’t seem very flustered by the fuss her admission has caused in the media. Speaking on the “Today Show,” she said:
“I think it’s great that people can talk about things that bring up debate… I think every family is different, and you have to know what’s right for you and your family.”
Well, yes. But different doesn’t mean equally good. I mean, the Manson family, they were very different, but it doesn’t mean old Charlie M. is a good role model.
So, Hilary, if you’re out there striding about nude and the little lad’s in the vicinity — put some clothes on, eh? Childhood is short enough as it is, especially in a place like Hollywood. You don’t need to make it any shorter.
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