So on an ABC webcast, Charlie Gibson tossed to a U.S. intelligence report that suggests global warming is helping the Taliban and al Qaeda. The logic: temperatures rise, droughts continue, folks are desperate – and lo and behold, they become suicide bombers.
This is nothing new, of course. Global warming is the Kevin Bacon of root causes: you can link everything back to it, including “Hollow Man.” Hilariously, you can even blame terror on global warming, even if the current science suggests the globe may be cooling!
But you know what’s causing global cooling?
Global warming.
But you knew that.
So, for this report to work, you need to ignore that for the last 11 years we haven’t seen a bump in global temperatures. You also have to ignore that many terrorists aren’t destitute farmers – some are scientists who might enjoy a good strip club. And then there’s this contradiction: The report mentions how Afghanistan’s horrible agriculture boosts the Taliban; but then later links Taliban success to enormous poppy crops – which, as Schulz can attest, makes a mighty fine heroin.
For fun, let’s say global warming is a confirmed fact. That means there are billions of people on the planet experiencing the same problem – who aren’t resorting to terrorism. Kenya isn’t overflowing with Taliban, and neither is Palm Springs. But the fact is, people who willingly accept the term “man-caused disaster” over the word “terror” will also accept any “root cause” explanation.
So blame it on the weather. In the end, this suggests we’re all capable of being suicide bombers, if the climate warms. But not for me. When it gets balmy, I don’t get bomby.
I get thongy.
And if you disagree with me, then you’re probably a racist.
Tonight, we’ve got Matthew Modine, actress Reshma Shetty, Gregg Jarrett and comedian Jesse Joyce!