SECTION 23. PART A:
THE CINEMATIC IMMUNITY CLAUSE
This contract’s previously mentioned HOLLYWOOD STAR, having surpassed all normal standards of importance, (and now seeking revenge for being a high school nerd); shall not be held responsible for any and all of the following crimes, misdemeanors, torts, or traffic infractions:
- Throwing chairs and injuring assistants or standers by.
- Tantrums of any variety, in addition to chair or other furniture throwing.
- Double-dipping in the Craft Service table Salsa bowls.
- Driving around the cars of the ‘little people’ lined up at the security gate with your middle finger out.
- Carbon foot-printing like a freakin’ Sasquatch Beeeotch.
- Scratching your ass inside your pants then grabbing a handful of M&M’s from the bowl at the snack table.
- Telling your P.A. “You f—ing piece of sh-t, I told you I wanted to order lunch at 12:25 EVERY DAY! Not even a minute f—ing later or earlier you f—ing piece of sh-t.”
- Not showing up at the Cast & Crew Screening.
- Not showing up for your private screening.
- Refusing to start the private screening until someone ‘gets their head out of their ass and gets some friggin’decent popcorn!‘.
- Having the flunky at the office fire someone in the afternoon that you told was doing an ‘aweome job mate!’ in the morning.
- Stealing good story ideas and taking credit for them.
- Stealing bad story ideas then blaming them on someone else.
- Any other form of lying.
- Never signaling while driving (drunk or otherwise.)
- Complete phoniness, arrogance, and viciousness.
- Utter contempt for all the people you clawed at and climbed over to get to the immune state.
- Bad tipping.
- No tipping.
- Not caring if someone is sick, or even dying and then demanding to know why they are late.
- Bringing your dog to the sound stage and demanding he/she have spring water and non cruelty organic fresh food.
- Having the P.A. clean up the dog poop.
- Never paying your fair share for the Starbucks run.
- Leaving before the check comes to go somewhere ‘important’.
- Punching your assistant for getting you a Business class seat.
- Punching your assistant for anything else.
- Insulting the lunch lady at the commissary for serving non ‘whole’ wheat bread, especially if she’s ugly.
- Drugs.
- Demanding everyone align their political thinking with yours; or else.
- Smashing someones car with a 9 iron.
- Smashing the craft service table with a putter.
- 9 Ironing Chicken Tamales into the feet of your assistant whilst yelling “PICK IT UP! PICK IT F—ING UP!’
- Any other use of sporting equipment to destroy or abuse.
- Screaming “DO YOU FREAKING KNOW WHO I AM?!”
- Making everyone wait – constantly.
- Flipping over the craft service table because there aren’t any Biscotti.
- Demanding your Green Tea be from Sri Lanka.
- Demanding all spellings be of the British variety – such as; Colour, Favour, Cheque etc.
- Demanding your luxury trailer and adjoining large sand coloured tent are a perfect 69 degrees, at 43% humidity, then demanding the A.D. get another Semi loaded with generators to make it just so.
- Demanding everyone on the set conserve energy.
- Demanding your office be painted with non-odorous natural dye paint. Colour: Sand.
- Screaming “IT’S MY F—ING MOVIE YOU NOBODY!” at 1 am in a hotel room hallway.
- Kicking the maid in the hind quarters for not giving you higher thread-count sheets.
- Throwing a telephone at the Bell Boy’s hind quarters for not finding you Blueberry juice at 4 am.
- Drunk driving, having an accident, leaving the scene, scoffing at the injured.
- Rape of a 13 Year old girl or boy.