So the music website Pitchfork unloaded its top 500 songs from the last ten years, and it was a mix of mainstream mediocrity, desperate hipsterism, and legitimate inspiration. For every great choice they made (say, Goldfrapp), they immediately canceled it out with some horrible wrist-slitting trash (Britney, Justin, more Britney). But, rather than rag on Pitchfork (I picture their contributors looking like homelier versions of Michael Cera), which is an otherwise pretty good site despite its easily mocked pretensions, I’ve decided to post my own list of the top songs from the last ten years.
It’s in some kind of order. Here we go:
“Civilized Worm,” The Melvins. A song Ozzy would have sacrificed his first, second and third born for. You kind of wish he had. How did this song not become a massive anthem? I ask again, how did this song not become a massive anthem? It should have been bigger than lingerie football.
“One More Robot – Sympathy 3000-21,” The Flaming Lips. Off the Yoshimi album, it’s the best thing the Lips ever did. One subtle note change by Wayne Coyne is enough to make you feel like calling everyone you know and telling them how much you appreciate their smell.
“Der Golem,” Fantomas. The greatest death metal/orchestral song ever recorded. From the magnificent Director’s Cut – the best thing Mike Patton has put on record. Or Cd, or pizza.
“It’s Not Too Beautiful,” The Beta Band. Why didn’t this band explode above and beyond Coldplay and take over the world? And why am I not taller? A lilting melodic feast that goes on for nearly nine minutes and is still too short. Like me.
“Slowly,” Amon Tobin. I’m pretty sure this came out in 2001. I’m pretty sure it will blow your face off. When it does, don’t go outside until you put it back on.
“Chewing Gum,” Annie. Best piece of bubble gum you’ll find anywhere. If a.m. radio existed like it did when I was a lad, this would have been the “Love Will Keep Us Together” of the OO’s. I believe Annie is Swedish, and vice versa.
“Monster,” by The Automatic. There is something wrong with this band. They are not awesome, or possibly even great. But this song is a relentless piece of rock crap that makes you want to beat the crap out your own butt!
“Atlas,” the Battles. It’s like kiddie music for kids who live on Planet Robot Poop. Designed like a melodic can opener. It makes me happy while also wanting to eat an entire roll of tin foil.
“Lollpopsichord,” Black Moth Super Rainbow. The best pop band working today – simultaneously uplifting and downward facing – like doing yoga in a vat of yogurt. The weird thing about this band: their sound is utterly monotonous. But monotony is perfectly fine if what you’re doing is right.
“Dayvan Cowboy,” Boards of Canada. Soundtrack music to a movie that has not been, but should be, made. Clint Eastwood on Jupiter, shopping for hats.
“I Loved You,” Carbon/Silicon. If the Clash sodomized the Stooges with the head of Mickey Dolenz. The band also put on one of the best shows I saw in 2008, the highlight being Mick Jones dedicating a song to Redeye! And the crowd seemed confused.
“The Bridge,” Clinic. The most sinister, unnerving pop sound around. I love this band so much that I hate them. I’ve purchased tickets for them twice – and they’ve canceled both times. They also accepted, then turned down Red Eye. I hate them for that. But you should listen to this band anyway. I think maybe the singer has issues.
“Falstaff,” Clinic. see above. A bunch a musical genius jerkfaces in masks. i hate them for being so awesome and jerkfaced. I’m trying to get over them, but I don’t think I ever will. Buy this song.
“For the Wars,” Clinic. God I hate this band. See above. But Jesus, they are awesome. Surreal space garage rock you can dance to, provided you define dancing as nodding and possibly twitching.
“Black Shuck,” The Darkness. AC/DC meets Queen – but better than that, if you can imagine. Perfectest rock song that’s both irresistible and annoying. A lot of people hate this band, which I understand. But a lot of people LOVE this band, and I understand them more.
“Little Kids,” Deerhunter. A band casually waiting for stardom to embrace them. A gorgeous melody from a creepy classic album. I believe they will be on Red Eye in the near future – fingers, toes, and vestigial tail crossed.
“Black and White Town,” The Doves. If you want to know what it’s like to live in England, play this song. It’s like staring out a window of a parked car in the rain, while your mother is inside the principal’s office trying to undo your expulsion. I know this feeling.
“Mon Amour,” Dungen. Nine minutes of guitar solos, riffage and a few seconds of unlistenable feedback. Somehow all of it works. And he sings foreign! And by foreign I mean not English – which is a really arrogant thing for a foreign person to do. This is earth: speak English!
“Fumbling over Words That Rhyme,” Edan. Best hip hop band around. Why doesn’t anyway care? Because it’s a weird dude from Philly without any PR. I’ve tried to get this dude on Red Eye. They don’t even return my calls (or socks!)
“Gay Bar,” Electric Six. It’s not a novelty song. It’s a great rock song, from a dude who has the exact same voice from that scary guy in Steppenwolf. Seriously, Dick Valentine is the second coming of John Kay, or the third coming of Danny Kaye. I can never tell which.
“Twin Peaks:Fire Walk With Me,” Fantomas. I hate using the word “haunting,” but this is haunting heavy metal. It will make you pee your pants, if you’re wearing pants (i’m not).
“The Bit,” The Fantomas-Melvins Big Band.” Bone crushing, mind bending metal epic vomit. It’s a live hissing mess – like a dragon pooping out a smaller dragon pooping out a snake.
“Over the Ice,” The Field. Electronica test patterns that work! I listen to this while I’m jogging and doing my laundry (I do both simultaneously, down ninth avenue!)
“He Doesn’t Know Why,” the Fleet Foxes. I don’t know why this band irritates me, because they write amazing, beautiful songs. But they still irritate me. It’s got to be the beards. They leave a rash all over my tummy!
“Don’t Rhyme No Mo,” The Free Association. This could be the most hypnotic big beat song of the last twenty years. I can’t stop listening to it, even when I’m not listening to it – if you know what I mean. You don’t, do you? Oh wait – you do? Never mind then.
“Days of Last,” F_cked Up. Oh the riffage! Oh the majesty! Oh the Canadians! Damian Abraham – where are you anyway? Email me – you’re supposed to be working for me!!
“Natural’s Not in It,” Gang of Four (repackaged by the Rakes). If you can’t dance to this, then you’re dead (or possibly not a fan of dancing). A remake/remix that makes an old great song even greater. The lyrics are still borderline genius idiotic.
“Hairy Trees,” Goldfrapp. Another majestic song by a pop artist who should rule the world but doesn’t, probably because she’s a jerk or something. This song will melt your toes.
“Hard to Beat,” Hard-Fi. A perfect pop gem that makes you want to propose to a chick and then run off with her sister. How can you not absolutely love this song? How can you? Sometimes I think I don’t even know you anymore.
“Supply and Demand,” The Hives. Super annoying band that can’t stop writing amazing riffs. This is the Troggs, the Kingsmen, and the Stones all rolled up into two and a half minutes of delectable destruction! Plus they wear matching suits and have a fat guitarist!
“Move Your Feet,” Junior Senior. More infectious than HPV or Herpes. I’ll stop there.
“Caroline, Yes” The Kaiser Chiefs. From the album “Employment,” which everyone should own. if you don’t you’re probably a racist. This band writes amazing choruses, while sometimes forgetting to write songs. Not a bad thing, when you like choruses, but don’t have time for songs.
“Sugar,” Ladytron. Mammoth slab of pop sugar metal confection. Rots your teeth, mind, underwear. In that order, I believe.
“Someone Great,” LCD Soundsystem. I hate sad music. but this is awesome sad music. I’m getting sad just thinking about how sad this awesome song is. Hold me, you crazy jerk.
“The Stupid Creep,” The Melvins. Just a harsh mean song that’s also fun, neat and wrong. I asked King Buzzo what it’s about, and he said, “it’s about a stupid creep.”
“Maneater,” Nelly Furtado. Something is wrong with me for loving this song. But I love this song. The chorus is terrible, too!
“Bros” Panda Bear. This is a big song. A BIG song. It bothers me how many things are going on in this thing. And I have a feeling I will probably end up hating it in ten years – there’s something very 311 about Panda Bear. Am I right?
“Centuries of Sin,” Probot. Awesome thrash metal from a Dave Grohl-led super thrash band. Not a great album, but a perfect badass song that should open a movie about headless zombie bikers who eat cats and tin.
“Love in a Trash Can,” The Raveonettes. Best casual throw-away guitar work in a perfect pop song. If you’ve ever heard this song, then you have loved this song (you can quote me on that, imaginary people who quote things)
“My Baby’s Taking Me Home,” Sparks. What a piece of hypnotic genius. Vocals used as rhythm that’s better than anything Moby could have hoped to create in his entire annoying lifetime. These guys have been around for decades, but they take more chances than any young band today. I include the Beatles.
“Hairy Candy,” TOBACCO. from the singer of Black Moth Super Rainbow – my bet for best over all pop song of the decade. Bubblegum meets Percocets – without the peristaltic mayhem.
“101 North,” Tomahawk. You can guess from the title, it’s driving music. I love any song that allows Mike Patton to sing, because Mike Patton rarely allows himself to sing.
“Overnight,” Gonzales. A tear-inducing piano ditty that will induce tears, via piano.
“Obsessed with Gloom,” Campag Velocet. Imagine driving the coolest car in the world in an underground fish tank that goes on forever. This song would be playing on the radio, while you drown!
“Love me Now,” And the Lefthanded. I know nothing about this band. But I found this song on an Erol Alkin compilation, called “A Bugged In Selection.” It’s gorgeous like something gorgeous that’s gorgeous. What happened to them? Who are they? Where are my pants?
“Smiling Off,” Black Dice. I’m talking about the DFA remix. Jeez! it’s remixy! Strange band though. I can only listen to them with the lights on.
“To All The Wizards in Lockdown,” Richard Norris. from a Psychedelic Guide to Monsterism – compiled by some artist who does the Super Furry Animals CD covers. Holy crap, what an amazing CD, but also an amazing, wonderful psychedelic dance mess explosion of a song! I don’t know who Richard Norris is, but if you do, send me thirty dollars.
“Still Light,” the Knife. This song makes me cry. Mainly because it hits me when it’s drunk. But I keep coming back for more. I have low self-esteem.
“Vanilla radio (live),” The Wildhearts. Not sure when this was released, but Ginger gave it to me last year, so it counts. Best riff since BOC’s Godzilla. FYI: the Wildhearts has a new CD out, called Chutzpah. You should buy two – one for you and one for President Obama.
“From Blown Speakers,” The New Pornographers. Every album by this band begins with three or four awesome songs, and then….snore. But this is a beauty of a pop song – and the singing is terrifically terrific on a scale from terrific to super terrific.
“I found the F,” Broadcast. From the excellent Tender Buttons album, which is full of fuzzy pop gems. Imagine dropping a cherry lifesaver on a rug at Jiffy Lube. And then picking it up and eating it. That’s this song.
“I saw a ship,” The Czars. Defunct pop band fronted by the second or third best singer in America. A little story: Saw these guys play in England a few years back. (See, I told you it was a little story).
“Bottle Rocket,” The Go! Team. It’s like the Rockford Files theme meets a big chocolate sundae meets your face. I listened to this song 30 times in a row, and then never listened to it again. Then I broke all my hummels!
“Thirsty and Miserable,” Lemmy. Remake of the Black Flag classic -but done better because Lemmy is singing/lurching. Listen to this, and you either want to quit or start drinking.
“Pit Stop,” Lovage. Brooding love song sung by Mike Patton, and a chick I can’t remember. Saw them live twice – and it was really enjoyable, in an enjoyable way!
“Pitie pour mes larmes,” Patton/Kaada. If you want to get lucky, put this song on. Works really well, especially if you’re with someone. Luscious, romantic pop song that Patton was born to sing and animals to eat.
“Work, work, work,” The Rakes. Great band that sings about great things (pubs, smoking, girls) in a ridiculously honest, simple way. Where are these guys? Oh – look – they’re under my bed!
Why did I write this?
Well, my book is due Tuesday, and I needed something to do, other than the actual matter at hand.
So, this list is really just procrastination.
Do you agree with this list? Disagree? Any additions? Subtractions…?