Back in the late seventies I spent four years on active duty in the Marine Corps. As my military obligation was nearing completion I began a job search in the private and public sector. I narrowed my public sector job hunt to the FBI and the CIA. The CIA responded first and the application journey was like a Robert Ludlum thriller. My first interview was in a large room with only two chairs. Seated across from me was a man with a scar from ear to ear. I envisioned him being garroted in some third world country–he had my attention. Apparently I impressed him enough to recommend me in the next step of their process. Multiple flights from California to D.C. using assumed names, paying for everything in cash, meeting in safe houses, and submitting to a variety of tests only added to the mystique.

Alas however, it was not meant to be. A major stumbling block was a personality test the Agency gave all Jack Bauer wannabes. Scoring applicants on a 0-10 scale…a zero meaning you could live on a deserted island for years, a ten meaning you had to be constantly surrounded by people…I scored a ZERO. Yep, a zero. The psychologist said in all the years of administering the test he had never seen “a zero personality.” Now, I admit I somewhat skewed my answers. I figured they were looking for paid assassins they could drop behind enemy lines and remain secreted for weeks. Wrong! The agency was looking for “threes” and “fours.” On occasion my wife still reminds me I have been rated a zero personality by the federal government. I actually think I’m up to a .5, maybe even a one, but needless to say I’m not really comfortable in public settings making small talk… unless I’m undercover (but then I’m a completely different persona and my criminal alter ego takes over).

It’s not easy going through life with a zero personality, but I’ve recently learned of some ice-breaker questions certain to make me a hit at the next party:

What is your name, address, and date of birth?

What is your race?

Are you Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?

Where were you born?

What is your ancestry or ethnic origin?

How many cars do you have at your house?

Do you have a flush toilet?

Do you have a sink with a faucet?

How much is your rent/mortgage?

Do you have a second mortgage? How much is it?

Are you covered by a health insurance plan? Which type?

Do you have serious difficulty hearing? Seeing? Concentrating, remembering, or making decisions?

Do you have difficulty dressing or bathing?

How many times have you been married?

When did you last get married?

Where did you work last? What’s the address?

What time do you leave home to go to work?

What is your income?

What is your retirement/pension?

Do you have a VA disability rating?

What’s the most important thing you do at work?

Do you think these questions are too personal or even stupid? Apparently the federal government doesn’t… and if you don’t answer them you can be fined $100-$5,000. All of these questions and more are on the American Community Survey. To my knowledge I’ve never been part of a census survey. I thought they just knocked on your door and asked how many people live at your house. Maybe the surveys have always been this detailed but as we slide further and further into the federal government running every aspect of our lives, this intrusion concerns me. I can see no reason why the feds need to know how many times I’ve been married, my health care provider, or whether I can or can’t concentrate. I will admit to some hearing loss that allows me to tune out my wife and my wife often questions the way I dress but is that the fed’s business? According to the FAQ on the website, the government needs to know all these answers for their government programs. Maybe the reason I’m balking at answering is because we seem to have too many programs as it is…. but they don’t ask my opinion on that issue in the survey.