My Own Private Sputnik!

Recession? What recession?

Big X here, broadcasting live to every corner of the globe via satellite from the legendary Peacock Lounge, high atop the mighty Breitbart Tower on Sunset and Cherokee in the heartless heart of Hollywood, U.S.A.!

Yes folks, you heard that right. Your humble if nattily-dressed servant, Biggus Exxus, is now in possession of his very own Lockheed Martin A2100 communications satellite recently launched into geosynchronous orbit from the Guiana Space Centre on an Ariane 5 rocket!

Now, you might wonder how a mere journalist can afford to purchase a 93.7 million dollar satellite and a big, bee-yutiful 126.3 million dollar European launch vehicle, not to mention the ongoing overhead incurred by a ground-control crew, insurance and miscellaneous costs.

Simple, my friends!

By dedicating a just a minimal smidge of bandwidth to a few hillbillies and hayseeds in “unserved and undeserved areas,” I qualified for a whopping 300 million dollar “grant” from the Broadband Technology Opportunities Program under our Supreme Leader’s Stimulus Bill!

Hot dog!

My biggest problem these days is figuring out how to spend the rest of dough! I’ve already bought Mrs. X an Escalade Hybrid from Government Motors, installed enough solar panels on the roof of Casa de X to power an Iranian uranium enrichment plant, made a $250,000 contribution to Obama’s 2012 Inauguration Fund, and… and…

… and Hi-ho Silver! I still have over 70 million burning a hole in my suddenly very, very deep pockets!

And believe-you-me, if you have a hankering to buy your own satellite, there’s plenty more slop in the trough–exactly 4.4 billion dollars worth, to be exact. So fire up your Smith-Coronas, write a grant proposal and get to grabbin’ a piece of that sweet, sweet stimulus lucre while the grabbin’s good!

That’s right! Kick up your heels, folks! Don’t listen to all those Gloomy Gusses moaning about the economy. Sure, unemployment and mortgage defaults are skyrocketing! But that means millions of freshly minted Democrats!

Yes, Mom and Pop, all those formerly apolitical “undecided” boobs foolish enough to buy into the so-called “American Dream” are finally waking up to the cap-and-trade, zero-emission, lean, clean, green, ain’t-it-keen future offered by the Democrat Party!

And speaking of clean and green! Kudos to our Speaker of the House, Fancy Frisco Pelosi!

Not only is she intelligent, elegant, wise, stylish, articulate, generous, honest, graceful and one of the World’s Great Beauties (move over, Michelle!), but she’s one tough broad as well, ramming the Cap and Trade Bill through the House like Castor-oil through a fat French goose!

Rankled by the overwhelming bipartisan support, Minority Leader, John “Boehner” Boehner, complained that there wasn’t time for members to read the 1,300-plus page bill before voting on it. What’s the matter, Johnnieboy? Afraid your lips would get tired?

And since when do Republicans know how to read?!

Don’t mind the static, folks! I’m being told by my voluptuous assistant, the stunning Miss Montenegro, that the clod-busters have suddenly jammed our broadband! What’s got those rube’s long underpants in a bunch, anyway?

What’s that they’re yammering about, Miss Montenegro? Shorter growing seasons…?

Holy Moly, it’s certified! According to the wire, leading climatologists from Russia, Germany and Canada have reported that a cold spell will set in by 2012, leading to a potential mini-Ice Age by 2041 that will last at least fifty years!

That’s right, friends! Madam Pelosi’s Cap-and-Trade Bill is already working, and it hasn’t even cleared the Senate!

Whoa-nilly! Better tell our subscribers they’re in for a cold-snap! And order my commodities broker to buy up orange juice futures. What? Al Gore’s already cornered the market? Drat!

I’m afraid that’s all the time we have, folks. Reporting live via satellite from Filmland, I bid you a fond farewell, and remember, buy Maclean’s Toothpaste! Did you Maclean your teeth today?

Until next time, this is Big X, out!