Daily Gut: Cash for Clunkers

So last week I was reading up on the “Cash for Clunkers” program – which just got approved by the Senate – hoping to talk about it on the show. I gave up, however, because it didn’t make any sense to me.

Then it dawned on me. It didn’t have to make sense! It’s a government program. As long as it’s paved with good intentions, it doesn’t matter if it’s a road to nowhere.

So let me try to make sense of this for you (believe me, it’s not easy).

The goal here is to get gas-guzzlers off the roads. So the government is offering a voucher worth anywhere between $3500 to $4500 for your guzzler, which must then be used to buy a new car. How do you qualify?

(Breathe deeply.)

You can trade in a car getting 18 miles per gallon or less for a car getting at least 22 mpg. But the voucher would grow to $4,500 if the new car’s mileage is 10 mpg higher. Now, if you own an old SUV, you could receive a $3500 voucher, if your new wheels gets only two more gallons per mile. Now, if it’s five more miles per gallon – then you get an extra grand.

A caveat: unlike my houseboys, the car you want to trade must be at least 25-years-old. Or maybe younger (actually I never understood that part).

You follow me? Good – then find a gun and shoot me in the face.

Now, here’s the fun part. None of this makes any sense for you, if the car you’re unloading is worth more than the voucher. Meaning this only works for old cars worth under 3500 bucks. And if that’s the case – then the government pays and loses money on every junk heap.

Lastly, consider trying to find someone with a piece of crap up on blocks in their front yard who can suddenly afford a new car, even with a voucher.

You can count all of them on one foot – even if you’re missing a toe.

So, in sum, welcome to the rebirth of big government. It’ll drive you nuts just thinking about it.

Tonight: Dr. Michael Baden, Ann Coulter, Patti Anne Browne and Ron Geraci. Plus, if she’s up to it: my mom!