Lonewolf Diaries: All Christians are Serial Killers

I’m tired of ignoring the elephant in the room, so I’ll just come out and say it. Christians are corny, out of touch, lonely creepers who generally end up becoming murderers or rapists…. At least that’s what Hollywood’s taught me.

Not to mention they’re all a bunch of minority-bashing fear mongers. Why does anyone continue to allow this hateful, extremist group to exist? Am I the only one who feels that they could stand to learn a lot from the peaceful, Muslim folk?

If I hadn’t been raised in such a logical household, the entertainment industry would have elicited only one reaction from me in regards to “Christians”; “Good God, these people are crazy.”

It all started with the flick “Carrie.” Who can forget Sissy Spacek’s loopy, evangelical mom citing Bible verses amidst insane spiritual tirades until she was finally skewered with every kitchen utensil in the cabinet…all to a disturbing orgasmic moaning session. The scene was used to drive the point home: Christians are dangerous and nuts, but they’re great to make fun of.

Even though ripping on those of the Christian cloth is nothing new, edgy, or thought provoking, Hollywood feels the need to do it with each of their religiously overtoned talkies. It’s gotten to the point where even the completely irreverent Matt Stone of “South Park” has expressed sentiments of pulling his punches on “society’s whipping boy.” I hope you’re listening Seth McFatlane (the name is childish I’ll admit, but I accept it). The fact is, it’s been done to death.

But why is that? We’ve never seen Hollywood go after Buddhism, Hinduism, or even Islam. I’d be inclined to believe that it’s due to the first two revolving around more subjective moralities (which is cool with the 310) and the latter… well, they blow crap up. Sure Muslims are the cause of virtually all terrorism in the world today, yet the good old folks of Tinseltown go out of their way to portray them as “good people, given a bad name by extremists” (see “Babel,” “Kingdom of Heaven”). On the other hand, we’ve got Conservative Christians who are statistically far and away the most generous people on the planet (whether you’re judging by missionary work or basic tax returns) consistently being portrayed as hateful villains often using scripture to justify horrifying acts (see nearly every spiritual horror/psycho thriller movie made in the last three decades). Disregard the fact that people like my middle-class father annually give more to charity than President Obama and Joe Biden combined, because folks like Sean Penn have already boxed him in as a greedy, judgmental jackass. If people in the Sean Penn clan feel that way, then it’s got to be true!

So I ask all Christians, Agnostics, and Atheists alike: when is enough, enough? Hasn’t this beating of the dead horse (*insert John Kerry joke here*) grown tiresome? Isn’t it time to move on?

I think the time for an “anti-establishment uprising” has come… And by that, I mean it’s time for Hollywood to take a serious risk in their portrayal of modern-day Christians.

Here’s a premise for you: They’re well-meaning people with a heart for helping others. Run with it.