Nancy Pelosi this morning let the floodgates open. In a ‘frank and open’ press conference she waffled and redirected. She explained, rationalized, dodged and obfuscated. She bobbed and weaved. She danced the Paso Doble. It was a masterful exhibition of Terpsichore, with lovely grand jete’s, loop-de-loops and chicanery.

I haven’t seen such tap dancing since last year’s So You Think Ya Can Dance auditions.

Looking and sounding very shaky and rattled, she maintained that she had no idea the Enhanced Interview Techniques used on suspected terrorists to get vital life-saving information from them included waterboarding. Misremembering expertly, Ms. Pelosi said in her briefing, she was told that waterboarding techniques “were…not…being…employed.” (It apparently is a useful technique with politicians interested in convincing you of the sincerity and impeccable veracity of their statements …to…slow…down…and… …emphasize…each…word. As in, “I…did…not…have…sex…with that woman…Miss Lewinsky….”)

How…stupid…do…you…think…we…are?

In a strange tangent during the press conference, Ms. Pelosi alluded oddly to the ‘missing weapons of mass destruction’, and the former President’s ‘misleading the people’. She then went on to tell us that the CIA is lying to us now as to what she was and was not briefed upon.

Most thinking individuals assume she’s lying through her teeth. But she’s sticking to her story.

The most striking irony of the morning was this – to cap off her double-time-step, soft-shoe, dog-and-pony-show…Nancy Pelosi pressed for a ‘Truth Commission’ to get to the bottom of the whole waterboarding affair. Don’t you love it how, whenever a Democrat gets into hot water, covering up for glaring inconsistencies in their public statements, they seek the veil of a ‘truth commission’? To get to the bottom of it, dontcha know. (Read: Stack the commission with my cronies, surround myself with my fellow obfuscators, mix the whole thing up into a thick, gooey paste of disinformation, make all of the Democrats look brave, hard-working and noble; talk incessantly about how the Republicans are using the whole affair as a ‘diversion’ [I guess from their ‘culpability’]…and then blame the whole damn thing on Bush.)

Sounds less like ‘Change’ and more like business-as-usual.

But what is the real story? And how can we possibly find that out? Only one thing to do:

Waterboard Nancy Pelosi.

Let the truth be told! It’s only fair. The Obama administration touts itself as the ‘most transparent administration’ in our history. (I’m not sure ‘vacuous’ counts as transparent.) And the Grande Dame of the Congress herself, the first woman Speaker of the American House of Representatives in the history of man-and-womankind…Nancy Pelosi…has told the American public and the world that this administration, this Congress would be the most open, honest, and forthright government body the world has ever seen… or some such drivel.

But all intelligence, both military and otherwise, concurs – waterboarding is extremely effective in extracting truthful information from a person. It doesn’t disfigure (unlike Madame Pelosi’s plastic surgery-gone-dramatic); and waterboarding leaves no physical damage. No limbs or digits are lopped off, no eyes gouged out, no burn marks, no puncture wounds; no physical trauma results from its deployment. It induces psychological sensations of drowning. It is administered under a doctor’s supervision. Yes, by all accounts, it is extremely unpleasant. Very scary and mad uncomfortable. But the person undergoing it suffers no lasting ill effects. And yet it gets the truth out of people. So let’s get the truth out of Nancy Pelosi. What did she know about waterboarding and when did she know it? Her grace period for plausible deniability has long lapsed. Time to get to the bottom of it. Waterboard Nancy until she sings like an American Idol finalist.

But wait a second. I’m a gentleman. I don’t want to be seen as ‘beating up on the girl’. I will throw my hat into this exercise. I wouldn’t volunteer for real torture…but… I will volunteer to undergo waterboarding myself. That’s right, you read it, I said it. I will allow myself to be waterboarded. We’ll put it on TV. Beck, Hannity, Cavuto, (don’t think I’d trust Olbermann), or O’Reilly. Carried out by a few of our security forces, like normal. They can waterboard me until I talk. Until I tell the absolute truth: “Yes!!! Socialism is a really stupid, poopy, idea!!!!”

(I apologize for the word ‘poopy’…but hey I felt like I was drowning…)

It’s not torture. It’s a psychological illusion to very effectively ‘encourage’ people to give up information. The skillful use of it may very well have saved hundreds, perhaps thousands of innocent lives the three times it was used. Yeah, that’s right – to hear the Mainstream Media tell it, they’ve got Muslims lined up in Gitmo four-abreast doing combination babtism/waterboardings a hundred times a day to these poor, innocent Muslim men of peace. These innocent men…all of whom have sworn to kill us, tried to on the battlefield, and many having had succeeded. The fact is waterboarding has only been used three times. And in several of those instances, information was extracted that diverted major attacks upon U.S. citizens.

In fact, my 16-yr-old daughter thought the whole waterboarding-is-torture thing was so silly, that she and her friends got together last weekend and had a Marco-Polo-Waterboard Pool Party in our backyard. They had me put the diving board on hinges…and they invented this cool game…it goes like this…the person who is ‘it’ gets tied to the board, then dunked into the deep end, upside down, yelling Marco Polo (or gurgling, actually) …Then when the other swimmers dive down to the bottom…and find the…well…I don’t really remember all the rules, but they seemed to be having a great old time and played for hours. I’m pretty sure… Wait a second – I might have dreamt the whole pool party thing. Yyyeah…I’m pretty sure that was just a weird dream. We don’t even have a pool! Sorry – my bad.

But my point is this: Islamofascist nazi terrorists torture. And they usually aren’t interested in extracting information. They do it for amusement. They cut into skin, pull out fingernails, hook genitals up to car batteries, burn with acid, use propane torches, cut off fingers, and systematically break bones. Then they slowly decapitate the victim while he’s still alive.

We extract information that can be used to save innocent life. We waterboard. (Or used to.) The victim is held down. A cloth is placed over the face, and water is poured over it, giving the sensation of drowning. And tens of thousands of our own soldiers, sailors and Marines have gone through this as a part of their S.E.R.E. training. They all agree – it sucks. It’s no fun. But there is no lasting damage.

Until the Pussification of America is complete…while there is still a vestige of spine in this nation…we should not abandon waterboarding as an effective and yes, humane interrogation technique to keep this country safe!

So let’s go, let’s get to the truth. Somebody get Speaker Pelosi a bathing suit. I’m right behind her, but…

Lady’s first!