We’ve all heard the old saying “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” Now that doesn’t mean crucifixions, world domination, and little boy rump humping. That simply means live as the locals do. Blend in. We as Americans are notorious for doing exactly the opposite. And definitely we should all collectively do our best to be decent travelers so we don’t continue to come off as obnoxious boobs to the rest of the world already looking for a reason to hate us. I’ve been that boob before, and I hereby apologize to the entire world. I have learned my lesson.
But, hate us? Really. Then why do people cross oceans on tiny little boats, risking their lives in the process, to get to our horrible country? Why do people from all over the world come to us for serious health care when it really hits the fan? Why is it that someone can come to our country, not even speak the language, and in a few years become wealthy? Let me help you Libbies out here: Opportunity, Freedom, Capitalism, Freedom of Religion, Freedom of Speech (well sort of), Pride, Patriotism, and Water Pressure. We have been the beacon of hope around the world for over 230 years. We are still the most successful and wealthy country the Earth has ever known. We share our wealth more than an other nation on Earth. And we have shed more blood than any other country to give others the chance at the same freedoms we enjoy. So all I can say is… Jealous much?
Fortunately for us we now have a group of visionary leaders doing everything they can to make sure the rest of the world won’t hate us. Things like subserviently seeking approval from lesser barbaric countries, adopting the socialist government styles that have worked oh so well in Europe, and making sure that we bankrupt ourselves so we can be on their economic levels. That’ll take care of that pesky jealousy thing.
I am an avid traveler. Some of you have heard my moniker, “Maverick Adventurer.” I’ve eaten Haggis on the Royal Mile in Scotland, dodged hookers and had my pocket picked in Barcelona (I picked it right back; ah Sangria). I jumped into the middle of a French World Cup victory celebration on the streets of Montreal, and had my head shaved by a Buddhist monk at a monastery in Mt. Koya, Japan. I’ve eaten kangaroo in Tasmania, ridden jet boats in New Zealand, and sampled Guinness straight from the brewery tap in Dublin. I’ve snorkeled in Jamaica, licked a glacier in Alaska, and ate, well, uh, something in South Korea. In fact I’m writing this on a plane heading back from one of the most cosmopolitan places on Earth; New York City. I’ve been around a bit.
So why am I saying all this? Because just like we conservatives are getting a raw deal here in our own country, ALL of us Americans are getting a raw deal from the media in other countries. Left and right. Our media is definitely a prime reason for this. Thanks to the Internet, now most of the world can monitor us. This can be a blessing and a curse. We can at least now get all sides of the story. But mostly they are getting the same skewed vision of who we really are as a country in the mainstream. And these other countries don’t have the freedom, given to us by or Constitution, to stand up and expose the lies. They don’t have the burning desire to create their own destiny. They do; however, have the burning desire to live off the labor of others, be as rude as they want to be to us, take extended vacations subsidized by government spending, and enjoy all that cheese and gourmet goodies and such. Ah, a loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and a seething disdain for Americans. Yummy.
So how do we fix this? THE TRUTH!!!!!
A friend of mine in Germany was recently asked by a citizen there if Dick Cheney was really in the Ku Klux Klan like David Duke? No, but Robert Byrd (D-W. Va) was. Zing! Zowie! And who in the world gives a half a flyin rat’s ass what David Duke is doing? Sorry my Libbie friends, that racist nimrod is not affiliated with the Republican party. We don’t want him. But I’m sure he can take over for Byrd if you like.
My point is that as hard as it is getting the truth out here, it’s doubly hard overseas. Yes, they are already mostly Socialist and heading south rapidly. Yes, they are mostly all in financial trouble and of course blame us and capitalism. And yes, just like the Libbies here, talking to them is about as much fun as a colonoscopy from Edward Scissorhands (Thanks Dennis). But just as we are trying to stand up here, we must stand up there. We must do it tactfully, respectfully, and with a big smile on our faces. We must point out the errors and misconceptions that they are getting from our and their media. We must once again be the beacon of truth to the rest of the world. It’s not just our right, but our duty.
If you decide to take this route, do your best to get your facts straight. Especially the really weird obscure conspiracy theories. Man, they always throw me! But many actually believe the craziest stuff. So when you go abroad, strap in, have a nice glass of wine and relax. Go with the flow, act as the locals do. Be of good cheer, don’t get angry. Leave the Hawaiian shirt at home and again, relax. Part of the beauty of travel is settling into a foreign rhythm. Don’t make yourself a target. And remember, just like in America, there are so many people all over the world that love us, revere us, and want to have our freedoms. So find those guys and by them a beer. Or a Sake. Or a Cabernet.
Or you can be a whining Libbie apologist and beg for approval from from people who have already made up their minds with false information. False information that you have aided in filling them up with. False information that you stand for and is harming our world view. The truth is radically different and yes, I am blaming you Libbies for our world view. Not Bush, not capitalism; but a constant and never ending effort to blame America first for all the shortcomings of the world. Especially when you go overseas. Why do you shameless politicians wait till you are in other countries to voice your radical leftist views? Oh yeah, because we would vote you out of office. But luckily you’re safe since the mainstream media will never play those glittering moments in their true light. Cowardice, sheer cowardice. How can you stand against your own country like that? Shame on you.
We should be proud that we are Americans. We have every reason to be. Each and every one of us is a representative of this great land. Let’s turn this world view around. Let the French lead the way in rudeness. If we all do our part; we can make a difference. Bottom line, don’t be a Doofus! Or Doofi for the plural, I guess. So stand tall, but not too tall. Be vociferous, but not too loud. Be solid and stern, but remain pliable. Be proud yet humble. And if for some reason things get dicey; just tell them that George Bush is an evil spawn of the lizard people from Beltar 7 come to this Earth to impregnate us all with microbial mind control spores so that he can suck out our souls through our left ears while we sleep. Him laughing all the while like a dark, ravenous Santa Claus in reverse as we all slip quietly into oblivion until he is full and can finally go back to his home planet a bulging hero. That’ll probably get you a drink!