Why is Hollywood Silent on Roxana Saberi?

I see a great story in Roxana Saberi. Don’t you? A can’t fail, high-concept, four-quadrant script with a unique storyline. In fact, I’d expect a bidding war no less severe and cutthroat for the rights to Roxana’s story as that for Lone Survivor. You know. A MARIE in Iran meets MISSING kinda thing.

A young and beautiful former Miss North Dakota and reporter for the BBC and NPR, among others, falsely arrested by misogynist Iran and tagged with a series of escalating charges, from buying wine to reporting with expired credentials to espionage, charges even Roxana’s lawyer has not officially seen to date, but upon which Ms. Saberi was just sentenced to eight years in the Iranian Hell of Evin prison in a one-day kangaroo court trial. Coercion was also involved, including a threat to kill her.

Any questions as to who and what we’re really dealing with here now? According to ABC News, Roxana is now officially a pawn in the Great Game between Un-Islamic Iran and the Great Satan. How much more of a blockbuster storyline could you ask for?

And that doesn’t even scratch the surface of all the world-turning subplots of international intrigue, conflict and sinister intent that drove such taut films as “North By Northwest,” “The Manchurian Candidate” and “Team America: World Police.” With me so far?

Oh, and I say un-Islamic, because the Hitlerite child-murdering and kiddie martyrdom-training fascist Nazi regime in Iran has nothing to with Islam or God. Just the opposite, in fact. They may call us the Great Satan, but you tell me who acts more like Lucifer here. What has Argentina ever done to Iran to deserve terror attacks and the mass murder of civilians? Am I Reich?

But I digress. We writers do that in moments of passion. Onto the subject at hand.

The backstory. Roxana was arrested on January 31, eleven days after Barack Obama was sworn in as President of the United States. A test? If so, more drama. On March 5th, SOS Clinton demanded Roxana’s release from Iranian custody. The very next day, March 6th, Iranian authorities said they would release Roxana ‘soon.’

On March 13th, Human Rights Watch issued a statement calling Roxana Saberi’s detention unlawful under international laws and conventions, in effect declaring her a hostage. Being as the media is so on the ball lately, I didn’t hear about that bombshell HRW press release until five days later, and even then I had to search for it. Somebody has to report this stuff.

Yet, in a twist of fate, I had declared Roxana Saberi a hostage that very same day. Not so much based on international law as knowing how much un-Islamic Iran loves to punk the Great Satan.

Roxana’s parents, father Reza and mother Akiko, flew into Tehran recently with assurances that Roxana’s release would be speeded up, only to land and see their daughter sentenced to eight years in Evin prison for espionage. Which she will not survive. In protest to this abomination of justice that’s S.O.B. in Iran, Roxana is now on a hunger strike. Her situation is precarious at best.

Some in the press have mused that Roxana may even be a pawn in Iran’s own nationwide elections in June. A rouse to the hardline un-Islamic base, who love nothing better than to see the Great Satan get a black eye. Makes them more prone to overlook troubling domestic issues that are hounding Ahmadinejad et al right now. The hardliners are even using Team Oscar as their Willie Horton against moderates. “Who invited the Great Satan in!” That kind of stuff.

It’s called externalizing. Any good dictatorship worth its salt excels at it. Make us look so bad that they look good, no matter how much bad shite they pull. Others in the press believe Iran may be setting up a swap of Roxana for Iranian diplomats arrested by US forces in Iraq, curiously with no questions from the media as to it being an unseemly act. Anyway, lots of storylines. No doubt many in Hollywood will be lining up for the rights to the story of Roxana Saberi.

I only wish they were lining up right now to speak up for HER rights! Where ARE they? They’re the Human Rights Champs! Right? You want to see something REALLY sick? Twenty-six videos on YouTube for Roxana Saberi, and most are news reports! There are 35 alone for Jim Carrey’s video on Burma’s imprisoned Nobel Peace Prize winner, Aung San Suu Kyi, 168 for George Clooney in Darfur. Not counting playlists.

UPDATE: Eighty-four videos now. Still no celebs. So where is Hollywood on Roxana Saberi?

Totally MIA, from what I can see. Or can’t, I should say.

Hell, Clown Man is protesting Iran more than all of Hollywood combined! Speaking of clowns. Or Stooges, I should say. Former Team Oscar leader and Academy president Sid Ganis is still too busy on the Mad Mullah Promo Tour to have a clue. Annette Bening is no doubt still raving about how fabulous Iran and women’s rights for filmmakers are there.

Tell it to Tehmineh Milani, Annette! She was sentenced to death for her celluloid slanders! Tell it to Iranian-American filmmaker Esha Momeni, who awaits trial in Iran before a political tribunal on similar charges for filming a women’s rights documentary in Tehran for her masters degree!

Hopeless. Like the rest of Team Oscar, none of whom has mentioned Roxana Saberi to date that I can find, they are too busy living the fantasy of Iran to see the cold, hard realities staring them in the face, even when those realities involve imprisoned fellow filmmakers and the extermination of gays as state policy. Or an American woman being held hostage, even as they partied it up in Tehran.

Where is UNIFEM Ambassador of Good Will Nicole Kidman? She should be front and center on this! Not one statement on Roxana Saberi I can find. In fact, a search of UNIFEM, the United Nations Development Fund For Women, comes up a big fat zero on a Roxana Saberi site search. What you will find is “Women’s Voices Raised on Climate Change” and “Training of Gender Audit Facilitators.”

In fact, the last UNIFEM entry on the stoning of women in Iran, of three total on the entire site, was from 2002, though it’s gotten much worse since. Iran even imprisons women indefinitely for protesting stoning now! They gonna stone them, too? Wouldn’t put it past them! They feed off that shite! What do you expect from Nazis? Won’t find that at UNIFEM, either. In fact, Iran wasn’t even mentioned at their 53rd Session last year, and they’re the worst offenders on the planet!

How lame is that? Some “spotlight on violence against women” THEY are! Oh, but they do have a spotlight on violence against women in Canada. My women’s rights heroes. UNIFEM. Just as silent on Roxana Saberi, Esha Momeni and the horrific abuse of women in Iran as Hollywood. Yet one more useless UN bureaucracy we’re paying for. Good press, though. PR is all. Right, Nicole?

Gwyneth Paltrow, also silent, is probably too busy boycotting we greedy, unintelligent and uncivilized Americans and prepping for Iron Man 2. She may denigrate and boycott us from Britain as the world’s real capitalist enemy, but she sure seems to know where her Socialist bread is buttered. You Go, Girl! Bravo and Tally Ho! And I do mean Ho. What else do you call someone who sells their virtue for money?

I think I’ll wait to see Iron Man 2 for free. Borrow the DVD. I can boycott on principle, too.

You know what the most pathetic thing is here, people? Even the real Stooges spoke out against the fascist dictator of their age more than all of Hollywood today. Seen any Hollywood rips on Ahmadinejad or Iran at all? Sorry. Shhhh. Don’t want to offend anyone. Walk softly, but carry a big carrot. And no gay jokes about that big carrot, either! Got it?

They don’t like those. Not one bit. Gays, I mean.

I have to wonder. To paraphrase Jon Stewart, Is this Hollywood Diplomacy Inaction? Like they’re afraid if anyone in Hollywood said anything bad about Iran, it might set back the Obamamessiah’s ‘reaching out’ to today’s Third Reich? Or if AMPAS said anything bad about Iran in a press release, they might not be allowed back to apologize, or train Iran’s propaganda film stooges again?

Or is all of Hollywood just so totally duped by the Mad Mullahs of Iran, or so blinded by the Obamamessiah, Roxana doesn’t even register? I do know one thing. If this Roxana Saberi Hostage Crisis occurred on Bush’s watch, how many in Hollywood would have blamed him for Roxana’s horrific situation? Not the hostage-takers, mind you. Don’t answer, it’s a rhetorical question.

No, my guess is, Hollywood Diplomacy is in full effect for the Obamamessiah. Don’t bring up Roxana Saberi, their shady nuke program, their stoning of women, their executing of children, their killing of bloggers, their threats of genocide, not even their gay extermination program: “Don’t give them anything else to apologize for. We have enough already!”

Walk around those blogger-murdering, Jew-bombing, women-stoning, gay-hanging, kid-executing, Armageddon-threatening un-Islamic Nazis like we were in a minefield? NOT ON YOUR LIFE!

What are we gonna do speaking up? Make things worse? HOW? But no. Give Peace a Chance. Here’s what Peace Hath Wrought, Hollywood. The Team Oscar olive branch slapped out of Obama’s hand with the demand for apologies and submission. The Obama Peace Video met with scorn, derision and ‘Death To America’ rallies. And the Roxana Saberi Hostage Crisis. Not to mention all the horrors they’re inflicting on their own people as we speak.

And now this: ‘On Tuesday, Reuters reported that a spokesman for the Iranian judiciary, Ali-Reza Jamshidi, had termed calls for Ms. Saberi’s release from American officials “utterly ridiculous.”

Based on Iran’s total contempt for international law regarding Roxana Saberi, and the mountains of bloody and horrific evidence on un-Islamic Iran staring us in the face, I’d tell everyone in Hollywood that we are dealing with an irrational fascist regime in Iran, and to start speaking up for Roxana Saberi, Iranian-American filmmaker Esha Momeni, the abuse of every other woman in Iran, the executing of children, and the ruthless and brutal anti-gay pogrom Iran is now exporting to Iraq.

If there were anyone rational left in Hollywood to say that to. Used to be. To be sure, if there are any Hollywood celebrities who have been pulling for Roxana Saberi and I just didn’t find you, appy-pollie-logies. But I had to kick some asses here. I hope you understand.

Speaking of which, here’s AMPAS. Tell them Academy members need to start speaking up for Roxana Saberi, and starting acting like the human rights champs they play on TV and claim to be. And see if they can roust Sid and Annette from their next Iran promo video long enough to say a few words on behalf of Roxana Saberi and Iranian-American filmmaker Esha Momeni.

Not holding my breath. But how nice would it be for the next act of Roxana: A True Story to open with crowds of well-known Hollywood faces twisted in outrage over Roxana’s abysmal human rights situation, not to mention the rest of Iran’s. Roxana’s a lucky one. Oh, and to make one point perfectly clear, the question here is not whether Iran recognizes Roxana’s American citizenship. The real question is, do we? She was born here. Good enough for illegals, ain’t it?

And I am certainly hoping Roxana’s story has an ending in Evin prison more like Haleh Esfandiari’s than murdered Iranian-Canadian journalist Ziba Kazemi, who was beaten, raped, her fingernails pulled and her skull fractured, all for the crime of taking photos outside Evin prison. In other words, I’m hoping for an ending more Hollywood, and less un-Islamic extremist Iran.

By the way, Roxana turns 32 this Sunday. Friends of Roxana have set up an email account for well-wishers around the world to say Happy Birthday to Roxana at happybirthdayroxana@gmail.com One nice birthday present would be to see a lot more people in Hollywood and Washington speaking up on her behalf. If it’s not too much trouble, that is.

Raised voices helped free Haleh Esfandiari, Tehmineh Milani and others from the hell of Evin prison. They can do so once again for Roxana. Iran’s Thugocracy, like Hollywood, hates bad PR. Ruins their image. Speaking of which.

On that note, here’s Congress. Here’s State. Here’s the White House. Roxana is an American citizen, not a pawn, and she has been held unjustly in Iranian captivity for 81 days now. Where are the strong words? The Congressional resolution in support of Roxana, like North Dakota’s?

What good are they?

Our government should tell Iran to release Roxana right now, or we cut off their gasoline. For starters. See how fast they move then to avoid gas rioting at home! And if that doesn’t work, warm up the B-52s. And I don’t mean the rock band. But the other type will also be free to roam if they want to, i.e. take out government-financed terrorist training camps, nuke facilities, etc, etc.

Roam around their world. Rock their world, I should say. Do it for Roxana. But only if the gas thing don’t work first. No, I didn’t mean bomb ’em right away. I’ll give peace, a gas cutoff and some gas rioting in Iran a chance. What do you think I am, a warmonger?

FREE ROXANA SABERI! LIKE RIGHT NOW!!!