Everybody Lay Off Tom Shillue!

I like him. And yes, he is funny. If you’re irritated with him for his most recent column defending Janeane Garofalo, you’re going to have to take my word for it.

Tom posted a column the other day about Garofalo. It was shocking, controversial, outrageous – and maybe a little misunderstood. Tom’s point was essentially this: why get mad at Janeane Garofalo for saying on TV what every liberal already thinks, that anyone who opposes Barack Obama’s policies is only doing so because they are – wait for it! – racist? Getting outraged at liberals who think Republicans are racist is pretty much the equivalent of (God help me as I reach for the most tired, over-used, movie metaphor in the columnist’s bag o’ tricks…) Captain Renault being – wait for it! – shocked, shocked that there was gambling going on in the back of Rick’s Café.

Of course Janeane Garofalo thinks we are all racists! So does every other liberal politico, pundit, thinker, speaker – and your liberal next door neighbor, sister-in-law, and the liberal guy who works at the grocery store and puts your conservative loaf of bread at the bottom of your bag underneath all your conservative canned goods.

Forget redistribution of wealth. Forget expansion of government. Forget appeasement and capitulation to our enemies. Believe it or not, forget even abortion. All those are optional for the average liberal. Ideally, they want ’em all, but depending on prevailing political conditions, they can live with getting some, not getting others for the time being.

But the one, constant, over-riding, fact of liberalism always and forever is this: you are a racist. And they’re not.

Trust me. You’re liberal sister-in-law may love you, she may thing you’re the greatest thing to ever happen to her sister (by the way, I’m talking metaphorically about your liberal sister-in-law, not mine – I’m pretty sure my liberal sister-in-law thinks I’m a putz), she may secretly wish she had gotten to you first (again, this is a metaphor, no basis whatsoever in reality in my life) – BUT. She thinks, deep down, you are a racist. And she ain’t.

She might not think you are a racist consciously. But, she knows darn well you are simply just not sensitive to the plight of (fill in the blank, anything but white men) the way she is.

There are no exceptions to this rule. This is, in essence, what it means to be a liberal. James Carville thinks Mary Matalin is a racist. Oh, he loves her. He’s glad he married her. He’s probably a wonderful and supportive husband to her. He does the dishes, he remembers their anniversary, he sends her the occasional playful, romantic text message. But in his heart he knows: my poor wife, she just doesn’t understand the plight of the (fill in the blank) like I do!

Here’s the difference between liberals and everyone else in a nutshell. My wife and I have a good, liberal friend. Let’s call her “Myrtle.” Myrtle is not her real name. (Actually, Myrtle is not anyone’s real name anymore, but I digress.) Myrtle is a good Upper West Side, Sunday Times, Zabar’s coffee, H & H Bagels liberal. (Those of you outside of New York won’t get these references, but you get the idea.)

Myrtle never fails to teach her children, at every conceivable opportunity, that we must be inclusive of our fellow Earthlings, regardless of race, disability, weight. She is constantly reminding them that racism exists, racism is wrong, racism is pervasive, racism is bad. She constantly reminds her children that this country still has a long, long way to go to deliver on Dr. King’s dream. Myrtle is a good liberal. Her children are growing up believing that men with hooded sheets are burning crosses around every corner.

Then, there’s my wife and I. We’ve had a few discussions with the kids over the years about the history of racism in America. Most of these discussions tend to center around Jackie Robinson and Branch Rickey. All of these discussions have addressed the issues of slavery, Jim Crow, voter’s rights, bigotry head on – but always with the acknowledgement that “that was, sadly, the way it was – but that’s not the way it is now.”

Result? Our neighbors down the block, Tom and Bridget are white. They have two adopted sons, Tim and Joe, who are black. Our eldest son has played with their boys for years. Once, when our eldest was ten, he was talking with my wife about Tim. My wife made some reference to Tim being adopted. Our son was stunned. “Tim’s adopted?”

No, our son is not a dumb kid! It’s just that, like most conservatives, he judges people by the content of their character, not the color of their skin. He’s not obsessed with race, racism, dividing people up by race, the way liberals are. Like Janeane Garofalo.

So don’t let Janeane Garofalo rock your world. As Tom Shillue pointed out, she’s only saying what every single liberal in America believes. The best response is to pat her on the head, say something soothing like “There, there, that’s nice, you put all those words together into a complete sentence” and go about the rest of your day. Because when it comes to liberals thinking conservatives are all racist, Janeane has plenty of company.