“Holy Rollers”

“Oh dear…” Elizabeth Snead over at the L.A. Times laments in her headline upon learning Miley Cyrus is, thanks to her boyfriend Justin Gaston, “closer to the Lord”:

Miley Cyrus says she’s gotten much holier since she started hanging out with her God-fearing underwear-model squeeze Justin Gaston.

“I’ve never been closer to the Lord since I met him,” she says on on the “Rachel Ray” show that airs Friday. “He’s really made me read my Bible.”

We’d have to agree with Miley about feeling all holy roller. Because every time we see Justin, we say to ourselves, “Oh, thank heavens!”

Far more alarming is the news that Miley has learned how color her own hair.

Miley, Miley, Miley… Justin, Justin, Justin… There are rules in celebrity culture and a celebrity media in place to enforce them. A few tips before you’re mercilessly mocked into an unemployed punchline because thankfully there’s still time. Ms. Snead is only firing a warning shot. You’re still allowed back in until character assassins like Bill Maher and David Letterman take over.

1. Spiritualism is fine, religion not so much. And by “spiritualism,” I of course mean “narcissism.” Worship a red string, worship a rock garden, believe in anything – any god you can think of — no one will laugh at you, certainly not the L.A. Times … just don’t believe in the God.

2. Good heavens, man, don’t give pop princesses Bibles. This creates a dangerous panic in the ranks of the pop-culture enforcers who have already written their “Miley Trainwreck” stories. If you go and get her all God-ey and stuff, if she leads a centered, emotionally healthy life, all that work was for naught.

You never ever mess with the narrative. Sarah Palin taught us that.

3. Justin, if you insist on giving Miley something, make it something that earns respect from celebrity gatekeepers, like heroin, meth, liquor, condoms, an STD or an unwanted pregnancy. This gives you an edge, an air of the all-important bad boy mystery that gets reality show producers thinking.

Miley, you obviously get the worst of this deal, so at the very least insist on your life being ruined at the Chateau Marmont.

4. The two of you shouldn’t think of this as giving something up; think of it as embracing a whole spectrum of new possibilities. In Hollywood you can be anything you want and still flourish — a drug addict, a wife beater, even a child molester.

5. Make sure to shake this Jesus-thing as soon as possible, today if you can, but definitely before the cock crows twice. Shake it before you slip — before you get a DUI or are caught smoking a doobie. Here’s the problem: If you respect an objective moral code those who have no moral code will never forgive you for breaking yours because the very behavior they practice only offends them when someone who thinks it’s wrong slips and does it. Steal as many babies from Malawi as you want, but never ever fail to meet a moral standard you set for yourself … for that is the only unforgivable sin in CelebrityVille.

I believe that because I read it in the L.A. Times.

Of course there’s always the possibility you two crazy kids cooked this whole thing up as some kind of publicity stunt to win over the rubes for that new album or tour.

In that case, like nevermind.