Celebutard of the Week: Madonna

This is an emergency Madonna update, a warning that the one-time Material Girl has turned from a bra-baring, Britney-slurping, intercourse-simulating extrovert into a greedy baby-collector. At mid-life, an unmarried Madonna is, right now, in the African nation of Malawi, choosing a matched child to go along with the tot she already purchased from the African nation like so much luggage, David Banda.

This is why Madonna is my Celebutard of the Week, in keeping with my book, “Celebutards: the Hollywood Hacks, Limousine Liberals and Pandering Politicians Who Are Destroying America,” (Kensington).

Madonna is asking a judge to let her adopt 4-year-old Mercy James, a child who, like David, has a biological father but no mother. Her grandmother was incensed.

“Why doesn’t the singer pick other children?” fumed Lucy Chekechiwa to the Sun newspaper in London.

“It is stealing. I want to go to court. I won’t let her go.”

It seems a repeat of her earlier adoption. The granny fumed, but Madonna still plucked the child from his home and took temporary custody. On her own turf, the adoption was a done deal. She also broke Malawi’s adoption laws, which prevent prospective parents from getting their hands on children without first living in the country for 18 months. Technicalities.

One has long wondered if Madge is fit to raise a house plant, let alone a child.

Her vegetarian diet, free of wicked dairy products, should be enough to preclude her from raising ice-cream-deprived kids. It comes with great remorse that her ever-expanding brood, which includes Lourdes, 12; Rocco, 8; and little David, 3; will never, at least in childhood, taste the summer staple.

But in the diet-crazed Celebutard world, this is par for the course — Gwyneth Paltrow gets to keep her little ones even after publicly cleaning out her gastrointestinal tract. Money buys anything. Including flesh. TV is also banned in the house of Madonna, 50, which might be a blessing; the kids are protected from their mothers’ egregious sexual actings-out — at least until the babysitter breaks the rules.

But why should I complain about dairy products when, in 2003, Madonna took the stage at Radio City Music Hall in New York where, in full view of then-husband Guy Ritchie and 7-year-old daughter Lourdes, tongue-kissed Britney Spears and Christian Aguilera, giving an advanced lesson in sex education. Child service authorities looked the other way.

The environmentalist – she made the cover of Vanity Fair’s “green” issue – also imported 1,000 unfortunate pheasants to her British estate, Ashcombe House, so that rich friends including Brad Pitt might pay $19,000 a day to shoot the poor birds to death.

Mercy lives in same orphanage from which she plucked David. She wants the little girl to join a brood whose size has yet to be curtailed, despite Madonna’s ridding of a husband Guy Ritchie and discarding of Lourdes’ baby daddy, Carlos Leon. It is not known whether the new child’s health will be carefully screened in Africa, as was David’s. With millions of orphans afflicted with AIDS and other diseases, Madonna got herself a good one.

David, like Mercy, lost his breast-feeding mother as an infant, and the family, unable to afford formula for him, put him in an orphanage, expecting to take him back after he was old enough to eat solid food. But Madonna chose the bright-eyed youngster. The case against Madonna was closed when she told her adoption story to a credulous and approving Oprah Winfrey. “God bless you!” cried Oprah.” She also condescended to David’s dad, Yohane Banda, as a “simple” man. (Ouch!).

Reportedly, David’s father upset when he learned Madonna was divorcing. Too late.

In return for Africa’s generosity, Madonna founded Raising Malawi, a girls’ academy that preaches hefty doses of Madonna’s pet belief system, Kabbalah. She might have simply made a large donation to the Bandas’ extended family, including a grandma and aunts, so they might be reunited with their biological child. But what do I know about Hollywood?

This begs another question: What is wrong with American-born orphans? Mixed-race children, for example, badly need parents, even rich ones – and can be taken home without the need of an international plane flight.

I guess those kids don’t make such good conversations with Oprah.