Nothing tickles the funny bone quite like phony outrage. You know, like Laurie David pulling up alongside an SUV and shouting down the driver for destroying the environment, when Ms. David herself is on the way to catch a private jet to a global warming conference in, I don’t know, somewhere where it’s unseasonably cold.
And we all remember Professor Kerri Dunn, who in response to racist vandals trashing her car, organized and led vigil after vigil denouncing hate speech. In voicing her outrage toward a covert group of white male racists on campus (them again?), she worked the community into quite a frenzy before, oops, it was discovered that she was the culprit. She vandalized her own car, I guess as some sort of publicity stunt.
I sense a similar sort of phony outrage and conspiracy with the AIG bonus situation.
Obama’s fury at the AIG bonus brouhaha has seemed like baloney from the start. Shortly after Senator Dodd suggested that the gov’ment would tax the whole thing, the cat was out of the bag: he wrote the loophole that enabled AIG to pay out bonuses. His taxation threat reminded me of the “Andy Griffith Show’s” Ernest T. Bass, who flipped out when the Army wouldn’t accept him. Dancing off into Mayberry’s sunset, hollering and carrying on, he yelled, “I’ma break every winder in the state!” For those that are hillbilly challenged, winder=window.
Now Dodd admits he added the provision, but suggests pressure from the Obama administration led him to do so.
My first wacky, Oliver Stone-esque theory featured John Candy barking, “You’re as crazy as your mama!” – but I realized that’d been done before. So I came up with another one. And with that, cue the sophomoric humor:
INT. CHRIS DODD’S OFFICE – DAY
The Distinguished Gentleman from Connecticut is in his office, playing with “Star Wars” figures. Specifically, Han Solo and Princess Leia.
DODD
(as Leia)
I’d sooner kiss Barney Frank!
(as Solo)
I can arrange that!
(as Dodd)
No. Wait.
His SECRETARY enters dressed, as always, like Princess Leia.
SECRETARY
President Obama is on the –
Before she can finish, Dodd has scrambled wildly to the phone.
DODD
Good afternoon, Mr. President.
INT. 40 40 CLUB – DAY – BEGIN SPLIT SCREEN
President Obama relaxes in a chair next to Rahm Emanuel. Secret Service keeping close watch.
OBAMA
(a la Billy Dee Williams)
How you doin’, Chewbacca?DODD
I’m Solo!
Rahm laughs hysterically. Obama stifles a laugh.
DODD
Chewbacca didn’t date Princess Leia — I did.OBAMA
Didn’t she also date Barney Frank?DODD
NO!OBAMA
(laughing)
I’m just messing with you. What’cha doing?DODD
Just chillin’.
OBAMA
(Rolls his eyes, then)
I’m up in the 40 40 club, ESPN on the screen. Did you get your bracket finished?DODD
Yes, Mr. Prezzy, I think the Cardinals have a shot.OBAMA
Louisville? Come on, Doddsy, with that perimeter game?
I’m going with Kansas in the mid-west.
DODD
That’s smart. Dodd scrambles for his bracket. Changes it.
Obama winks at Rahm, gives him a fistbump.
OBAMA
Listen, wanted to talk to you about the AIG bailout.
Dodd’s hopeful. Did I do good?
OBAMA
It’s good. But what about that provision we talked about?DODD
Well, it just, I don’t know, it seemed like if
we’re giving money we don’t have –OBAMA
— we’re buying the company. We will own it. Didn’t Barney send you the memo?DODD
Yes, but I thought that the provision could be seen as a loophole to allow AIG to honor
contracts with their executives –OBAMA
I think it would be a good idea to put the provision back in the package.
You let me worry about the fallout.
Obama flips his phone closed. End split screen. Stay with Obama. The wheels turning.
CUT TO:
NEWS FOOTAGE – OBAMA EXPRESSING OUTRAGE
About the bonuses. Widen to reveal we’re —
INT. CHRIS DODD’S OFFICE – NIGHT
“Star Wars” toys strewn about. Dodd staring at the TV. Turns to Fox News, where some right winger discusses the fact that Dodd wrote the bill.
His computer screen reveals hundreds of unopened emails. His desk littered with phone message slips. His phone blinking furiously — the voicemails piling up.
He turns, gazes out the window.
Behind him, a foot kicks the Millenium Falcon. Dodd turns slowly, a shadow enveloping his face.
OBAMA (O.S.)
What did I tell you about watching Fox News?DODD
You said you were going to handle it. You said –
Reveal Obama. He lights a cigarette.
OBAMA
I did handle it, Chris.DODD
But you were on TV, outraged –
Obama sits on Dodd’s desk.
OBAMA
They have to see that Capitalism is evil.
Dodd nods. An AIDE rushes in, breathless. Opens a briefcase and gets to work building something…
OBAMA
They just need a little push. Do I like resorting to…
He trails off.
OBAMA
(to Aide)
…Damn it, I thought you had this down!
Reveal the Aide, putting the finishing touches on a mobile Teleprompter.
AIDE
Yes, Mr. President.OBAMA
Cue it up. Damn.
The Aide cues it up. Obama maintains eye contact with Dodd, fires it back up again.
OBAMA
I’d like to thank President Obama for coming here today.
Dodd’s confused. The Aide slumps, types on a laptop.
AIDE
That’s the wrong speech, Mr. President.OBAMA
Well, get the right damn speech up!AIDE
We uh, we don’t have it.OBAMA
What do you mean, we don’t have it? And what’s that smell? Doddsy, did you fart?AIDE
I brought the wrong computer. And I crapped my pants.OBAMA
Oh. He crapped his pants.
(laughs)
High five on that, Doddsy.
Dodd high fives Obama.
OBAMA
Damn, you got some clammy ass hands, Dodd.
(to aide)
Pack up. We gotta get to Los Angeles. Leno, baby!
He drops the cigarette on the floor, stubs it out with the ball of his foot.
OBAMA
You don’t worry, Dodd. This is all going to be taken care of.
Dodd swallows. Not so sure.
OBAMA
We’ll get you on TV to admit it. You can say you felt pressure.
I’ll deny it. Who knows what will happen to you,
but this nation, this…so-so nation, will be saved.
Dodd nods. I guess so.
OBAMA
Kansas all the way, baby! Obama leaves with the aide.
OBAMA (O.S.)
Change your drawers, damn! That’s the third time today.
Dodd leans back, clutching something in his hand. It’s the Princess Leia action figure from “Episode IV: A New Hope.”
Fade out.