Obama Needs a Better Agent, New Gig

Barack Obama has only been portraying the president for about 60 days or so, but his representation really needs to reconsider his branding.

I don’t know if he’s with ICM, CAA or whatever William Morris and Endeavor are going to be after their merger, but an agent’s job is to consider the talents of the individual client and guide him or her into opportunities that best exploit certain core competencies. We’re not seeing that anymore from Obama’s people. As we approach the back end of his first 100 days, his performance has that unsettling aura of David Letterman’s one-time hosting of the Oscars. Letterman didn’t really want to be there, and the audience slowly came around to the same thinking.

While Obama’s current headliner part as leader of the free world should keep him in syndication for a few years, his overnights are dropping fast and his Q Factor can’t be too far behind. Someone has to get the man back to what he does best (selling and pretending) and away from he has no aptitude for (decision making and problem solving). In other words, they’ve got to find a way to keep him in the role of running for president because he shows no dramatic aptitude for taking presidential action.

If this correspondent could pretend he was an agent for a few moments — a bit of role-playing that put me into anaphylactic shock the last time I attempted it — I would make the following pitch to Obama:

“O! Welcome. I’m a huge fan of your work in…whatever you used to do. Can Cherise get you something? Water? Pellegrino? Humility? No? Fine. Have a seat.”

“Well, you killed on Leno, and your NCAA tournament bracket was a hit on ESPN. In fact, we’re still tracking well on most of your promotional tour stops. But there’s a problem.”

“The consumer Q&As we’ve done show people aren’t quite sure what you’re promoting anymore…Yeah, hope and change. We get that. But we sold that Oprah routine in the pilot episode. Once we went to series in January, the tone of your show changed to that sort of Battlestar Galactica, Lost gloom and doom. People are starting to change the channel — starting to ask why you’re goofing around on TV when the national debt’s higher than Cherise’s skirt.

“Bottom line, we’re wondering if we maybe saturated the market.”

“So, one of the interns in the mailroom had an idea that we think you should consider. Think about it…On the show, your character enjoyed running for president. He enjoyed winning. He enjoys the big speeches and applause. He like being worshipped. And, you like playing the hero, right? You like acting like a president.”

“But, you don’t like being president — you don’t like the job. I mean, it wasn’t the best decision to put wacky Uncle Biden in the pilot. The audience doesn’t get his incoherent catchphrases. Then, there was the episode when you made tax evasion the only qualification for a cabinet appointment. Just last week we had to fire the writer you put together the ‘make wounded veterans pay their own medical bills’ special. At this rate, I don’t see us keeping our sponsors through the 100 episode plateau.”

“Anyway, here’s the idea. You do a reality show. Call it Obamathon or Obamarama. Put it on MTV or Spike. The cameras can follow you around on your TV appearances, introduce your groupies, spy on a secret room where your wife can dish on you.”

“Then, we’ll get someone else to do all that boring, real-life president stuff. You don’t want to make all those decisions. Is someone a terrorist? Will they kill us if we let them go? Should we send more troops, fewer troops, F Troop? Let the bankers and CEOs run circles around some putz. You’re a star.

“And, while that’s going on, your new show will be pitched to a media that will lap it up. It’ll all be calculated to keep you popular — keep you liked. No, loved. Because that’s what you really want, kid. You don’t want to put in the hard work of saving anyone or making life better. You just want people to think you’re a savior and adore you for it without asking for results.”

“O? You OK?”

“Cherise — Mr. Obama will have that humility now. What? No. On second thought, make that the Pellegrino. Thanks.”