What’s next? Brad Pitt’s sweat socks on eBay? Britney’s backwash at a yard sale?

The dead-serious jokesters who run Hollywood’s favorite terrorist organization, PETA, whose members are known to toss red paint on women wearing perfectly good fur coats, and enforcing punishing vegan diets on healthy carnivores through a disinformation campaign (meat is cruel! It’ll kill you!) unseen since the days of the Soviet Union or the Clinton administration, are back at it.

And they’re even more hypocritical and weird than Madonna, who pushed a dairy-free diet (no ice-cream for Lourdes, Rocco and little David!) while importing 1,000 pheasants to her British estate for the purpose of allowing rich guests to shoot the poor birds to death.

That’s why the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is Celebutard of the Week, in keeping with my book, Celebutards, the Hollywood Hacks, Limousine Liberals and Pandering Politicians Who Are Destroying America (Kensington).

Last week, PETA’s strange president, Ingrid Newkirk, wrote to George Clooney asking that the star allow a vial of his perspiration – essence apparently taken from a gym towel swiped by a crazed stalker during Clooney’s recent visit to Washington – to be used as seasoning for the bland foodstuff tofu. It would be marketed as “CloFu.” PETA’s scientists were quick to assure all those now retching that the stuff would taste delicious. I could not make this up on a very large bet.

Wrote the Newkirk to the Clooney: “The technology actually exists to take your perspiration and make it into George Clooney-flavored tofu. We could do that and give the tofu away.

“Of course, your fans would swoon at the idea of eating CloFu, but what interests us most is that we would attract many people who don’t try tofu because they worry that it would be bland or that they wouldn’t know how to cook it. CloFu will help people be healthier and more environmentally friendly and will spare animals from being killed for the table.”

Proving that clinical insanity is contagious, PETA spokeswoman Amanda Schinke said, “We believe CloFu would be delicious on its own or served over rice with a light soy sauce and sauteed collards, in a casserole with melted vegan cheese and olives, or perhaps pressed with vegan pesto in a panini.”

Mmmkay….

Clooney’s response was not terribly encouraging to PETA. The card-carrying celebutard, whose love of Darfur is trumped only by his hatred of America (see his anti-U.S. conspiracy flick Syriana) proved he nonetheless still has two brain cells to rub together when it comes to insane vegetarians.

“As a mammal, I’m offended,” quoth Clooney.

Clooney’s perspiration apparently was harvested during his post-inauguration trip to D.C., in which he privately bent President Obama’s ear on the bleak situation in Darfur. I guess they didn’t want CloFu there, either. Anne Curry, who traveled to the region with Clooney, also can’t subsist on an all-Clooney diet. Pity. Osama bin Laden would lap up the stuff.