Answering Steven Crowder's Challenge

I agree with Crowder: When the headlines are more over-the-top than any joke one can form from them, it certainly makes comedy challenging. “Try making the idea of released detainees going back to terrorism funny”?

Hey, according to the Pentagon, only 11 percent of them do that! (Though I hear that estimate has a margin of error of about 89%.)

One released detainee detonated himself in Iraq a couple months ago. And our liberals are worried about us dripping water on their faces. The guy just blew himself up! Clearly, our interrogation techniques are not extreme enough. They prefer to lose a limb or two before giving us information. No wonder Gitmo and Abu Ghraib were torture for these sado-masochists.

U.S. troops undressed a prisoner and put underwear on his head? So what — that’s where his ass is gonna end up after he explodes himself, anyway.

Seriously, though, I think we can reach a compromise with the human rights folks. I say torture should be allowed, as long as your attorney is present.

Shutting down Gitmo isn’t the answer. In fact, such a move should have the environmentalists up in arms. Just think about all the free radicals this will release into the environment.

However, that the Guantanamo camp is the “gulag of our time,” as several Democratic politicians have called it, may be true. We’ve all heard the stories: people not having access to showers for weeks after arrival, then having rocks, urine and feces hurled at them, plus getting spat in the face and even ear-bitten — all while being powerless to do anything in response. And I’m talking about the U.S. soldiers stationed there. The prisoners? They get cake and Koran. (They don’t even have cake in the Middle East!)

And still Obama’s priority is to end military trials, including that of a U.S.S. Cole bomber. Which means that all this time they were saying “Vote or Die,” what they meant was “Vote to Die.”

At least Saudi Arabia has been helping us out. The Saudis have taken some of the released detainees into their rehabilitation program. Which is like sending a sex offender for rehabilitation to NAMBLA.

Finally, Crowder correctly points out that several prisoners have actually gained weight at the facility. Tarek el-Sawah was one of them:

A portion of Guantánamo detainee medical charts released by the Pentagon indicate Sawah arrived at this Navy base in May 2002 measuring five-feet-eight-inches and weighing 215 pounds and that his weight has careened wildly. In August 2006, according to the Defense Department, his weight dipped as low as 124 pounds, and then hit a recorded high of 408 pounds three months later.

I’m telling you — it’s the cake!