Clooney's Urgent Message to Obama

At last, the long-suffering people of Darfur should rest easy. The International Criminal Court (ICC) has finally issued an unenforceable, meaningless arrest warrant to bring Sudan’s murderer of a president, Omar Hassan al-Bashir, to justice. In case you did not get a chance to read the fine print, the indictment actually exonerates al-Bashir from charges of genocide but does subject him to arrest for war crimes and crimes against humanity. This is the international community’s desperately awaited message that will send shivers down the spines of Sudanese thugs. In fact, al-Bashir is already partying in public, mocking the ICC’s theatrics.

Nonetheless, human rights groups and fashionable Darfur activists are heralding the development as a breakthrough. And although I have yet to read any statements from actor George Clooney, he must be beaming with pride given his secret meeting with President Obama several weeks ago to discuss this issue. While we do not know the exact contents of the Obama-Clooney discussion, al-Bashir’s indictment led me to speculate on how that conversation might have unfolded.

Clooney: Mr President, it is truly an honor to see you again. You are one of us, one of the good guys. Thank you for having me here today to discuss the crucially important issue of Darfur with you.

Obama: My pleasure, George. Thank you to you, and to Sean [Penn], and to Tim [Robbins] and to Susan [Sarandon] for the work you are doing on this and other issues.

Clooney: The pleasure is ours. We feel like America is back. Any-who, there is a serious situation in Darfur.

Obama: Yes, I know.

Clooney: Yeah, it’s bad. Like, lots of people are being murdered and displaced and stuff.

Obama: Yes, I know. We’ve known about this for some time now. We are very concerned.

Clooney: Yeah, well so are we. The situation is what I would describe as “urgent.” And I just wanted to, you know, express our concern to you and to make sure you know that we know that this is an important and serious issue.

Obama: Oh, we know.

Clooney: Good, good. Well, that’s what really matters is that you know that we know. You know, I actually have a “Save Darfur” bumper-sticker on my SUV. I’m thinking about doing a documentary or something like that also. I want to raise awareness. I think that’s the most important thing at this point.

Obama: That’s great. You’re really doing great work, George.

Clooney: Don’t be silly; it’s not just me. It’s all the guys out in Hollywood. We really care about this issue. Speaking of which, is there a plan to address the situation on the ground over there?

Obama: Well, we are looking at all of the options. I mean, don’t get me wrong, we’re not going to go in there with troops or anything like my predecessor did in…(coughing, mumbled, sounded like Iraq). But we’re looking at almost all of the options. I think that a Security Council resolution is unlikely given China’s relationship with Sudan, but the ICC might issue an indictment soon, which would be huge. It will send the world the unmistakable message that we do not tolerate genocide, or war crimes, or whatever the indictment will actually read once it goes through the ICC’s approval process and press office. We also might set up a commission to investigate and report on the situation over there.

Clooney: Oh, that’s great news. Sounds like we’re really making progress then. You know, it’s so great to know that once again someone inhabits this Office who realizes that you don’t solve every problem with brute force. You cooperate; you talk to allies; you go through the legal and diplomatic channels to get things done.

Obama: Yep, well as I said during the campaign, I will restore America’s image in the world’s eyes. I know China appreciates our deliberateness.

Clooney: No doubt, Mr. President. Hopefully this will lead to the cessation of brutal killings in Darfur too.

Obama: Yes, we can only hope. One step at a time.

Clooney: Well, thanks again for your time today, Mr. President.

Obama: George, anytime. Say hi to Sean [Penn] for me and tell him not to forget that I’m still opposed to gay marriage (wink).

Brett Joshpe is co-author of the book Why You’re Wrong About the Right: Behind the Myths: The Surprising Truth About Conservatives (Simon & Schuster). He graduated from Harvard Law School and is currently General Counsel of The American Civics Exchange.