Fidel – Happy At Last!

One day Hugo Chavez calls upon President Obama to join a great, global socialist revolution, the next Obama moves towards normalizing relations with Cuba. It’s good to see the U.S. listening to other world leaders again!

It’s been two years since Fidel Castro retired, and not much has been heard from him. What exactly does an all-powerful, all-knowing, great and glorious communist revolutionary leader do in retirement? Like most things in communist Cuba, Fidel’s retirement has been shrouded in secrecy. Until now. As a Breitbart columnist it is my responsibility to bring you, the reader, the truth as uncovered by my world-wide network of investigative reporters, spies, finks and stoolies.

So, on the eve of this dramatic breakthrough in US – Communist Cuba relations, this report, from my man in Havana, exposes the shocking truth behind Fidel’s retirement:

Within a few days of Fidel’s retirement, he had already started to drive Mrs. Castro crazy. “He just follows me around, while I’m trying to do housework, asking me if I need any help and nattering on about the war mongering bourgeoisie,” she told a neighbor. “Last week, he spent the whole day “fixing” the garage door. Every fifteen minutes he’d poke his head in to give me an update. ‘I’m running to the store to buy oil to fix the squeak, can you come and test the door for me, have you seen my Phillips head screwdriver, can you make me lunch…’ On and on, all day long! I told him, Fidel – get out of the house! Go torture some political prisoners or brainwash some helpless children. He needs a hobby. And, guess what? The stupid door still squeaks!”

Since then, apparently Fidel has attempted several ways to fill his time:

1. Last month he joined the “Retired Evil Communist Dictators” group on Facebook. He spends several hours a day checking his inbox for new messages, “pokes” and “hug requests,” and changing his status updates: “Fidel is napping,” “Fidel is fixing the garage door,” “Fidel is watching the season premier of ‘The Bachelor'”….

2. He is planning a family vacation to Disney World – in an inflatable inner tube.

3. He unsuccessfully pitched a monthly romance advice column to Women’s Day magazine entitled, “Ask A Retired Evil Communist Dictator.”

4. His agent is waiting to hear back from the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater in Jupiter, Florida about a possible production of “On Golden Pond” with Fidel and Janet Reno. Fidel told friends, “I felt good about the audition, I really think they liked me. I screwed up one of the lines in the monologue, but I don’t think anyone noticed. I guess I was a little nervous!”

5. Every afternoon Fidel goes to the park to feed the squirrels. Then, he makes the squirrels sit through an interminably long tirade against the West. Then, he lines the squirrels against a wall, blindfolds them, and shoots them in the head.

6. Every week he writes long, cranky letters to the editor of the local paper complaining about brother Raoul Castro’s new regime and how Raoul isn’t nearly as good a leader as Fidel was, signing each letter: “Shmidel Shmastro, A Concerned Citizen.”

7. He is practicing his time step, hoping to get an audition for the new show: “So, You’re A Retired Evil Communist Dictator And You Think You Can Dance?”

8. He is spending more time pursuing celebrity stalker hobby, obsessively writing hundreds of emails a day to Katie Couric.

9. Reportedly, Fidel is enthusiastic about finally having enough time to really give Amway a go. “I can really focus on it now,” he told friends. “I’m pumped! I’ve got my list of goals and contacts. Today I’m calling Kim Jong Il, Ahmadinejad, and Hugo Chavez to remind them it’s not a pyramid scheme – and the products are really good. Ahmadinejad expressed some interest in the skin care line last time I spoke to him, so I’m thinking he could be my first big sale. Keep your fingers crossed!”

10. Now that he’s retired and no longer living under the repressive regime of Fidel Castro – he is planning on defecting to the United States.