Another Celebutard of the Week: Jeremy Piven

You are what you eat, I guess.

It was the performance of Jeremy Piven’s life. Last week, he tearfully persuaded five fellow actors that he was deathly ill from mercury poisoning due to his lifelong love of sushi – and not merely slacking off with Britney – when he abruptly walked away from the Broadway production of “Speed-the-Plow.” I predict future actors will have “no raw fish” clauses attached to their contracts. Entire A-list restaurants will tremble at the loss of high-profile business. On the bright side, fish will live.

Piven dodged a financial bullet by pleading his case to a grievance committee of Actor’s Equity. He could not escape the hilarity that ensued over his fishy tale. As “Plow” playwright David Mamet joked to the New York Post’s Michael Riedel, “My understanding is he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.”

This is why Piven is my latest “Celebutard of the Week,” in keeping with my new book, Celebutards: The Hollywood Hacks, Limousine Liberal and Pandering Politicians Who Are Destroying America.

Piven got in trouble with producers of the Broadway show in December, who allege that he’s just another spoiled, egotistical (or is that redundant?) Hollywood jerk. Two months into the show’s run, Piven, who won three consecutive Emmy awards co-starring as hyperactive agent Ari Gold in HBO’s “Entourage,” simply refused to show up onstage for his lead role, plunging the $3.5 million production into chaos and upsetting co-stars Raul Esparza and Elisabeth Moss of “Madmen” fame.

The Great White Way is not nursery school. Nor is it pampered Hollywood. Hard-working thespians and hoofers tend to look askance at people who’ve grown too big for their britches, even if their seams are busted by excessive quantities of uncooked seafood. Producers of “Plow” brought Piven up on charges with the actor’s union, claiming that Piven’s abrupt departure hurt the play. Piven had simply told producers he was sick and hopped the first flight back to Los Angeles, announcing he wasn’t coming back. Actors simply don’t do this. When they get sick, they are expected to negotiate their returns to the plays they leave.

Of course, Piven’s well-documented days and nights of hard partying did not sit well with cast mates or crew (the guy crashed Britney Spears’ birthday party!) Also, as The Post reported, Piven called several prominent actors in the days before he hightailed it out of Broadway, begging them to take over his role. And still, the show managed to end its run in February in the black.

Piven was so concerned about the effect the hoopla might have on the remainder of his career, he traveled to the dreaded Theater District last week to tell the Equity committee of five actors and five producers that his problem was mercury coursing through his bloodstream, and not other substances. Piven contends the mercury level in his blood was five times normal, and he risked having a heart attack if he stayed. He cried before the committee deciding his fate, proving he still has his acting chops intact. The actors took his side. The producers did not. Without a unanimous verdict, the producers were screwed.

He wasn’t finished. Piven immediately took his case to no less an authority than The New York Times. Sitting for an interview as a publicist babysat, he twice broke into tears and quoted the Obama administration’s warning about mercury pollution as a national threat. He also quoted the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., “No lie can last forever.” It had something to do with his ruined reputation.

Now, the whole mess goes to arbitration, where producers will continue to try to get restitution

Piven’s stage career, by the way, is kaput. His Tony award, once considered a lock, is up for grabs. I wonder if raw fish – or Britney – was worth it..