Take That, Mr. Moneybags!

Big X here, broadcasting live from Celluloid City in the swishy-swishy Peacock Lounge, high atop the mighty Breitbart Tower on Sunset and Cherokee!

Holy cats, what’s next?!

After last week’s spectacular victory over Hard Times with the passage of his trillion-dollar Stimulus Bill, the sour-puss Republican Tycoonocracy was crying in their caviar, throwing a tizzy over the so-called “deficit” and demanding to know who will pay the piper for all those bee-yutiful C-notes!

While any lesser mortal would have rested on his laurels, his name forever embedded like a shining supernova in the historical firmament as the greatest American Commander-In-Chief ever, President Obama gave those sobbing-Sallies an answer:

“You, Mr. Moneybags!”

Yes, it’s certified, Mr. President! For that magnificent one-two punch, I hereby dub thee Barack “Bam-Bam” Obama!

Our waiter, Rodrigo, has been kind enough to bring a Xerograph of the latest Spending Bill, and boy, is it a doozy! Yes, it seems complicated, folks, but don’t panic! Your pal, Big X is here to cut through the bull and boil it down to stew! And what a savory dish it is!

First off, the good news is that tax rates will actually be dropping for the vast majority of working Americans, even those who don’t make enough scrap to even pay taxes. Yes, you heard me right, Johnnie Q.! Ain’t that a lulu?!

Pass the butter and slop the hogs, ma! I smell money! And it may be spelled R. E. F. U. N. D., but it spends just the same!

Hot-dawg!

But wait a second! How can Uncle Sam hand out a cool trillion with more on the way, and cut taxes? As my good friend Albert Einstein once said while perusing his bar-tab at the Stork Club, “Ach mein Gott! It just don’t add up!”

Oh, but it does…!

Because tax rates will be going up as well, my friends! Way up! But not for you or me, or anyone we know! Unless, that is, your name is Rockefeller and you rub elbows with all the swells and socialites who pull down more than a whopping $250,000 smackers a year!

That’s right, folks! You heard it here, first! The stinking-rich leisure class will finally be forced to cough up their fair share of the U.S. Tax Bill!

What’s that, Rodrigo? Really, that much?! Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle…

Ladies and gents, our trusty cocktail-juggler, Rodrigo, has just informed me that between the salary and tips he earns here at the Peacock, and the profit his wife clears from her dress shop downtown, they make a combined income of over $250,000!

Why, that bears some looking into, Rodrigo! I’m quite certain a situation like yours is scarce as a pen in a Post Office! After all, Obama himself has personally assured us repeatedly that these tax hikes will only impact the wealthiest 2% of Americans!

Luckily, my curvaceous assistant Miss Montenegro is standing by with the latest data from the Internal Revenue Service to tell us exactly what miniscule percentage of Americans make more than a quarter-million clams a year!

What, my dear? The data’s not broken down at the $250,000 point?

Come, now, Miss Montenegro! Don’t be silly! The President of the United States isn’t going to just pull numbers out of a hat! Check again!

What’s that you say? It’s broken at the $200,000 point?! Very well; how many of those are there…?

Seven percent?!

That’s absurd! How could one out of every fourteen American households make so much more dough than I do…?

I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen. It seems we’ve gotten bogged down in petty technical details. Yes, Miss Montenegro, that will be quite enough. Order us another round of Manhattans, will you?

As our President and every red-blooded American with an ounce of common sense knows, the rich have been bilking the tax-man for decades by retaining shady Hebrew accountants who cook the books to take advantage of arcane loopholes and dubious deductions unavailable to the rest of us Short-Form-filing guys and gals.

Miss Montenegro has just passed me a note that precisely illustrates my point! Get this, folks: The people we were just talking about who clear over $200,000 a year-a full 7% of American households, mind you-pay a measly 6.2% of the total tax bill-

What’s that, Miss Montenegro? That’s a poppy-seed, not a decimal point? By gum, you’re right!

Correction, folks! That’s 62% percent?!

Yes, Rodrigo! That is a shocker. Now freshen up my drink and tell Ernesto not to skimp on the Maraschinos this time! Chop chop!

(Between me and you and Auntie Sue, folks, I think all that filthy lucre is giving our little brown friend a swelled head!)

The fact is, it doesn’t matter how much of the bill the hoi polloi covers, they still take unfair advantage of loopholes in the tax code big enough to drive their solid gold, desert-tortoise-squashing, carbon-belching Cadillacs through!

And it’s exactly these very loopholes that will be abolished by our great leader, Bam-Bam Obama, under his new Spending Bill-

For Pete’s sake, what now, Miss Montenegro?!

You say he’s placing a cap on the deduction for charitable contributions? Of course he is! Why shouldn’t the stuffed-shirts pay taxes on money they give to poor people…?!

You think they’ll give less?

Oh, pish-posh, Miss Montenegro! Such cynicism hardly becomes a lovely creature such as yourself! But even in the extraordinarily unlikely event that what you suggest is true, Team Obama has already set aside additional money in the budget to go to charities and cover any shortfalls!

And rest assured, folks, they won’t be the frivolous non-profits you choose to support, but those carefully vetted and certified by our illustrious Administration!

I’m afraid that’s all the time we have, folks. Reporting live from Filmland, I bid you a fond adieu, and remember, all that glitters is not Papst Blue Ribbon!

Until next time, this is Big X, out!