Boycotts Are Funny

Who else finds protests and boycotts a little, I don’t know, funny?

I remember when I realized that protests and boycotts first began to amuse me. There was a Domino’s Pizza down the street from my house in suburban Atlanta. This must have been about 1985, and some pro-abortion group got wind that the dude who started Domino’s gave money to anti-abortion causes. Well, this stuck in their collective craw, and they went and made them some signs, and proceeded to picket the location near my house.

Then the anti-abortion groups decided they’d counter protest, and they made up some signs of their own, and there everybody was holding up conflicting signs and ranting and raving. Thankfully, nobody got hurt, but more to the point, not one mind was changed as a result of this protest. My daddy, God rest his Georgia-Bulldog loving soul, pointed out the obvious, which is, “Nobody goes to Domino’s to order a pizza.”

I don’t mean to (abortion is wrong) endorse any side (bombing clinics doesn’t help), but if I was annoyed with this protesting crap at 15 (I mean 7) can you imagine how I feel about it at 38 (I mean 30)? The Domino’s illustration, um, illustrates that the practice of boycotting and protesting proves to be irresistible to causes from the left and the right. To wit, here are my Top Five Funniest Protests. In no particular order:

5) Corner of Hollywood and Cahuenga, 2004: The night that Bush beat Kerry, and the signs were out in full force. He had stolen the election, see. Voter intimidation and disenfranchisement had forced countless numbers of minority voters (really, nobody bothered counting because it was a bunch of bull) to vote for the evil Republicans. You know…the party that pushed the Civil Rights Act through in 1964, but had in years since turned malevolent and evil – look, I’m not going to recap the speech from Matrix Reloaded for you. They’re evil! Not to mention the voting machines. They don’t work! They’re not trustworthy! They’re made by Republicansssssss! Cut to: 2006 Mid-Term Elections. The Democrats thumped the Evil Ones, and what do you know? No one raises a stink about the voting machines or disenfranchisement.

4) Prop H8 Protests, Los Angeles, 2008-Present: Those opposed to Prop 8 took a long time to get organized on this one, which is odd for a group that I’m sure is decidedly non-Baptist. Once the smoke had cleared and they’d finished celebrating Obama’s historic election, they realized they’d lost another crucial battle. Hastily organized boycotts were planned at the Mormon Tabernacle on Santa Monica, where the protesters tore a page from the Baptist’s script, “Tell everyone that disagrees with you on this that they’re hateful people. Then they’ll vote the other way should this thing hit the ballot a second time. I mean a third time.” I don’t hate homosexuals. I do feel like the Evangelical movement has unfairly and incorrectly targeted them (see below), but I can’t bring myself to vote for changing the definition of a word that has had that definition for generations. Can I be swayed? Maybe, but calling me a hatemonger will not do the trick.

3) The Baptists Boycott Disney: This was sometime in the mid-1990s, a group of Baptists decided that there were secret messages in Disney movies, and that Disney (the company not the man) did nothing to stop homosexuals from attending their parks en masse. Subsequently, the rallying cry “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!” was temporarily replaced by “It’s Spin and Marty, not…oh wait! It is Spin and Marty!” In the interest of full disclosure, I was a member of the Baptist church at the time, and we didn’t participate in the boycott. Not because our congregation was against it; no, I was a dissenting voice in that debate (dissension is Christian, I’d always say). But unbeknownst to those outside the Baptist denomination, the Baptist church is kinda what I would call Unorganized Religion. Most churches are independent and answer to no hierarchy. This isn’t why the boycott failed. It failed because it was insane. The mission of the Baptist Church, and all Evangelic faiths, is to win people over through examples of Christ’s love. The Boycotting Baptists, in my view, said, “Aw, the heck with that. Let’s piss off the gays real good. Then they’ll join our church!” It’s what my wife would call bass-ackwards.

2) March 18, 2003 – Franklin and the 101, Hollywood: Bush is Hitler signs were everywhere. A guy had a sign that read, “Honk if you Hate Bush.” This was only days before Operation Iraqi Freedom, so these protesters were true believers, baby. Also, not many cars were honking – some, but not a majority by my recollection. Honk if you hate Bush guy leans over to my car and implores me to honk. Nah. He yells at me, tells me he’s going to kick my ass. The light turned green and I went to the Grove to see “Dreamcatchers” starring Thomas Jane.

1) The one I drove past on Sunset Boulevard the other night: This happened across from the Beverly Hills Hotel. It might not even be amusing – maybe these protesters were fighting the good fight, and had their hearts in the right place. I don’t know because I couldn’t get a good look at their signs, and I really tried. I think they said something about Hospital on them…but I dunno. It was dark. I was going fast, for Sunset, anyway.