Hollywood Bailout, Take Two

Like many of you, I was an enthusiastic supporter of President Obama’s economic stimulus plan before I had even read it. Come to think of it, so was he. Now I’m no economist, but when you’re faced with both soaring debt and galloping deficits what else is there to do but borrow three quarters of a trillion dollars from China and spend it on miscellaneous social programs and digital TV converter boxes? It’s really kind of a no-brainer.

Granted, I had my doubts about some of the stimulus bill’s targets– the $1.2 billion for “youth activities,” the $75 million for smoking cessation programs, that $400 million Museum of Paperclips in Bethesda– but I suppose one man’s pork is another man’s community redevelopment funding. Besides, what really won me over was the crown jewel of the stimulus package: a $246 million tax break for Hollywood producers. Finally, some desperately needed help for perhaps America’s neediest and most overlooked special interest groups: movie moguls.

Unfortunately, as we say in Hollywood, that was just the first draft. No sooner had President Obama bravely proposed tax relief for Tinsel Town when mean, greedy Republicans stripped it from the bill. “Hollywood’s doing OK,” sniffed Senator John McCain. “They had their best month ever,” added Senator Tom Coburn, referring to January box office receipts of over a billion dollars, up 19% from last year. Now, a billion dollars for a month’s work might sound like a lot of money to you Flyover Country yahoos, but here in the real world — Century City, Beverly Hills and the Valley — it’s small potatoes. Especially since that figure represented the gross, not the net, and it didn’t include points or commissions.

Truth is, these are desperate economic times in Hollywood right now, as anyone who saw the Academy Awards Sunday night can tell you. Sure, we put up a good front – the show must go on, after all – but the signs of belt-tightening and corner-cutting in The Industry are everywhere. One look at the starving, emaciated bodies of the Best Supporting Actress nominees on TV last night told the story. No wonder Penelope Cruz almost fainted on stage during her acceptance speech. Even our Best Picture winners are being outsourced to India now. And you know times are bad when a big star like Mickey Rourke is forced to buy his clothes in thrift shops and second-hand stores.

And while last night’s telecast was a real eye-opener for some– who ever heard of an Oscar telecast without a budget for joke writers?– insiders like me have been seeing the signs of Hollywood’s financial collapse for months now. Just last week Brad and Angelina had to let two of their kids go. Remember Keri Russell, who was so good in the movie “Waitress?” She’s actually working as a waitress now. Other actresses haven’t been so lucky. Some have even been reduced to reading for parts on Lifetime Television for Women. Also, Jay Leno’s being let go by “The Tonight Show.” Not because of ratings– he’s still Number One in late night– but because they found a younger guy who’ll do the job for less money. What’s Jay supposed to do now? Take his act to prime time? Yeah, right. That’ll be the day.

Even the highest levels of the entertainment industry have been affected by this crisis. Some studio heads are reportedly down to their last mile or so of beachfront property. There are unconfirmed reports that at Barbra Streisand’s last $50,000 a head Democratic fundraiser some guests were offered non-imported vodka. And industry big shots who once dined on steak and lobster have been reduced to eating raw fish wrapped in seaweed. No, you’re not seeing things– I said raw fish and seaweed!

Now don’t get me wrong. This budget crisis is real, and it has real victims. But while we here in Hollywood may be down, we’re not out. There are, after all, no people like show people. We smile when we are low…and right now things are pretty low, indeed. A wise man with an awesome head of hair once told us that there are two Americas, and he was right. One is known as “above the line,” and the other is below it. And it’s the folks above the line who need our help right now.

So call your representative in Congress today. Or better yet, corner them during the next political fundraiser you host. Urge them to restore tax relief to the stimulus package for us who toil in the vineyard of the muse in this business we call show. Because if Hollywood’s current economic meltdown doesn’t get better soon things are going to get real ugly, real quick. How ugly? The next time Britney Spears rear ends somebody, she might be doing it in a used Buick.