I haven’t looked around the internet to see what sort of drinking games have been invented for the Academy Awards tonight but I imagine if the game involves taking a drink upon praise for Barack Obama or relief that George W. Bush is no longer President then anyone playing should be pretty wasted by the end of the show. Then again, even if you don’t drink a thing you should be pretty wasted from exhaustion from what always proves to be exceedingly boring and self-congratulatory, yet somehow, must-see television.
While you should hear Barack Obama’s name more than once tonight, here are a few things you probably won’t hear spoken:
- “Did you know that Harvey Milk was a Republican?”
- “How about Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight? What an overrated performance!”
- “Thank you to President Bush for keeping us safe the last seven years.”
- “I dedicate this award to the brave men and women who keep my idiotic, ungrateful Hollywood cronies and me safe.”
- “Wasn’t Rendition just the worst movie you’ve ever seen?”
- “Why the hell wasn’t Gran Torino nominated for best picture?!”
- “And the award goes for Best Actor goes to Mickey Rourke…thank God…Sean Penn is such an ass!”
I digress. Tonight is the night that we celebrate the uniquely American invention of Hollywood–and all the American values that Hollywood embodies, such as drug overdoses, extravagantly overpriced clothes, and completely green-friendly entourages.
Here are some preliminary predictions:
- Mickey Rourke’s ill-timed expression of gratitude towards President Bush will cost him the feel-good, comeback story of the year, as the Best Actor Award will instead go to Sean Penn for playing a gay Republican legislator. Plus, a friend of Hugo Chavey is a friend of Hollywood’s.
- The Academy will just pretend that Clint Eastwood never made that dreadfully, spectacular movie Gran Torino, which is far too conservative and far too Americana for the Age of Environmentally Friendly Awards Ceremonies.
- Slumdog Millionairre will win Best Picture (obviously), whose cast will thankfully add a touch of humility to the otherwise self-important evening.
I will be posting more throughout the evening. Thanks for reading.
-Brett Joshpe, www.brettjoshpe.com