These are some words I never thought I’d say, but I hope Miley Cyrus loses the four billion dollar lawsuit that has been filed against her. In case you’re not up on this story Ms. Cyrus, who is a 16 year old, which I believe makes her prone to do silly and at times even stupid things, was photographed making silly faces with a group of friends at the mall or some such place were young multimillionaires hang out.
In the photo Ms. Cyrus and several of her friends are sitting with another boy who appears to be of Asian heritage. The kids seem to be trying to look like their Asian friend. I am assuming he is a friend and not just some random guy they crowded around for the picture.
When this picture made the rounds it was seen one Ms. Lucie J. Kim and her life began to spin out of control. The emotional distress was unbearable! She lost all of her self-esteem and any pride she had previously held in her racial heritage. So apparently did every person in the United States of “Asian-Pacific Islander” heritage, even those who … didn’t see the photo? I Googled Ms. Kim to find out something about her and she is, if I may quote that great second lever philosopher Gomer Pyle, surprise, surprise, surprise, a lawyer!
If you read me regularly you know that I am a BFH (big freaking hillbilly) who lives out in flyover country. I don’t want to seem racist or uncouth but since I have been challenged by Attorney General Holder to have more courage in racial relations I need some answers. I have to admit that am not really up on my Asian subcultures but there must be some way Ms. Kim can tell from the photo that the boy in the picture is an “Asian-Pacific Islander,” and not say, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, or any of the other Asian nationalities. I am taking the term Asian-Pacific Islander to mean someone of any Asian descent that grew up on an island in the Pacific Ocean. However, it has occurred to me that “Asian-Pacific Islander” might be a broad umbrella minority group which includes all Asian nationalities and all Pacific Islanders. If so, what about Junior Seau and Troy Polamalu? Do they get a cut of the settlement? What about Russians who were born in the Asian part of Russia, have they suffered?
She claims a lot of things here, so let’s look at her lawsuit objectively. First, she says that she represents one million “Asian-Pacific Islanders” who live in Los Angeles County. Where does she draw that authority from and why does that authority stop at the county line? What about the many Asian Pacific Islanders who live in Orange County? Aren’t their feelings also hurt? Who will speak for them? What about Asians who live in Asia? They may have seen the picture on the Internet and may have been traumatized too, or are they a tougher breed than those Asians who live here?
How did she arrive at the figure $4000 for every claimed member of the class action? Is that the amount she spent on therapy? How can she prove her mental problems are due to seeing Ms. Cyrus and not just long repressed responses from watching Peter Lorre play Mr. Moto or Roland Winters and Sidney Toler play Charlie Chan? How did she arrive at the number “one million?” Do you have to be one hundred percent “Asian-Pacific Islander” to be represented?
I need answers because if Ms. Kim prevails I will be filing a bunch of lawsuits against Dave Chappelle, Eddie Griffin, Jeff Foxworthy, the writers and producers of the “Beverly Hillbillies,” “The Dukes of Hazard” and a number of other deep pockets in Hollywood who have a long history of belittling my people.