The Real Culprits Behind 9/11

Ever since I wrote critically about the TV show “Rescue Me’s” attempt to incorporate 9/11 truther conspiracies into their plotline, I’ve received a small but intense amount of hate mail, including even a short missive from one of the actors, a 9/11 truther himself. He said I was “really dumb.” Which, I must admit, isn’t as bad as another truther wishing I would die from AIDS – or the other one who opined on the size of my genitalia. But hey, no one ever said these folks were classy.

“Rescue Me’s” Daniel Sunjata

But it got me to thinking. Many of the letter writers said I should maintain an open mind over such matters, because, as these conspiracy theorists note: it’s not about having the answers, but raising the questions. Some narrow minded jerks might say that’s way too easy – you can raise questions about everything and still be right about nothing – which is why conspiracies are so much fun, after all. But whoever says that would be narrow minded.

And probably racist.

So I decided to take the advice of the 9/11 truthers – and “reopen” my mind to alternative theories surrounding 9/11. When I did, I came to this startling conclusion: they’re right. We’ve been wrong all along about the terrorists. The real culprits are actually 9/11 truthers!

Oh go ahead and dismiss it- but that just illustrates your own closed mindedness – and proof that you’re simply a pawn in the cover-up.

Seriously, how much is Rosie O’Donnell paying you to say it’s the Jews?

Here’s how my very simple theory works: the common 9/11 truthers are – as a rule – unemployed, living at home, and nutritionally deficient due to a vigorously vegan diet. This gave them the free time, as well the depressed hostility (due to lack of animal protein) needed to plan the attacks. After the attacks, they were initially pleased that America mistakenly blamed bin Laden. But they also knew that, given time, after realizing the innocence of these young Islamic entrepreneurs, the scent of guilt would lead only to them.

Which is why they started building a case against a “neoconservative” government – that secret cabal of Americans who planned the “pre-emptive strike” in order to justify a retooling of the profiteering war machine known as the American Military. This is also why Marion Cotillard, the Oscar Winning actress (“La Vie en Rose”) – who believes the 9/11 attacks were orchestrated to bring down buildings too costly to renovate – also questioned the moon landing. She attempted to indict a government over decades of misdeeds, and throw the scent off her own complicit role in the attacks. After all, there’s no proof she wasn’t in Manhattan during the planning stages, and the same can be said for Charlie Sheen, Willie Nelson and Daniel Sunjata – the truther/actor from “Rescue Me.” I’m sorry, it’s just too convenient for Sunjata – who plays a firefighter (a nice cover, don’t you think) to spout 9/11 theories against our government on a television program – and then come out in the press to say he believes in this garbage.

Most would assume he’s mentally ill. But no – he’s just covering his tracks – while the rest of us close our eyes.

Please, join me in questioning the questioners – and ask 9/11 truthers to prove their innocence regarding that attacks on 9/11. We need to ask Tom Delonge of Blink 182 how he suddenly developed enough of an expertise in “controlled demolitions,” to talk about at length on radio programs. And what of Heather Thomas, the washed up actress who maintains the attacks in New York were designed by the US “in order to take the oil leases.” Clearly she could not have gained that kind of insight into global oil policy simply by banging Lee Majors. Could it be that she, James Brolin and Ed Asner had planned this whole thing after their respective careers evaporated like the engines from Flight 77 (something that only a bomb could do, claims Ms. Thomas).

One thing is certain: Their silence, so far, is deafening.

And damning.

And racist.