10 Cinematic Clichés That Must Live!

James Hudnall had a right-on post about 10 Cinematic Clichés That Must Die!, which he followed up with 10 more. I agree, but I offer my list of characters to replace them.

1. The Crazed Vietnam Vet. It started in the 1970s when Hollywood wanted a character whose violence could be excused as the work of the government. The original “Rambo” movie was actually this very cliché.

Far more interesting is the character Noah, played by Chris Klein in “The Valley of Light,” about a World War II hero who comes home to find the family farm sold off, his parents dead and his brother is in jail. Very quietly, he puts to great use the maturity he had tempered in war, and the movie (spoiler alert) ends with him letting the catfish go.

I have had the pleasure of meeting a few real-life Noahs. I haven’t met a Rambo yet.

2. The Professional Bitch. Hudnall pointed out that successful people in business are not divas, but rather charming and witty. Outside of show biz, divas don’t make it. But it is difficult to write dialog for charming and witty people when you are neither charming nor witty.

In real life, these women wind up as Bill Lumbergh, never quite rising above entry-level management.

Nancy Marchand as Margaret Pynchon on “The Lou Grant Show” came the closest to being a humanized woman in power. I suggest Hollywood writers spend a few hours watching Marchand.

3. The Evil Christian. Wrote Hudnall: “Christians are always shown to be hypocrites and phonies. They’re never good people. They’re exposed as pious frauds when their ‘true colors’ are revealed.”

Amen. Except for a few old “Davey and Goliath” episodes and of course, the excellent “Miracle Of Our Lady Of Fatima” movie, Christians get a worse stereotype in Hollywood than Indians did in those old cowboy movies.

Strangely enough, the fairest TV show to Christians these days may be “The Simpsons,” who still go to church on Sunday — even Super Bowl Sunday — and who live next-door to the annoying but sincere Ned Flanders. His backstory of being the spawn of beatniks who spanked him continuously for a year, is in itself a denunciation of permissiveness. Also, underneath those sweaters, he is a hunk.

4. The Stupid Dad/Male. Yes, it is time to give Homer Simpson a few IQ points. After all, the man is supposed to be a nuclear engineer, although he never quite made it to college.

Andy Griffith as Andy Taylor succeeded because Andy Griffith grew up around plenty of Andy Taylors. Griffith and Don Knotts and their writers fleshed out great characters that were based on real life, not something they saw in the cinema.

5. “The Magic Negro.” Spike Lee is credited with coining this phrase. The problem is two-fold. First, why does the storyline need a magical human to begin with? The fairy godmother is a lame plot device.

The second problem is that the story is written by some white person who probably has no contact with black people and is afraid of being offensive. The result is another stereotype. Here’s an idea: Spend more time with people who aren’t like you.

6. The Pedophile Priest. Well, they exist. But so do pedophile rock stars and pedophile liberal talk radio hosts. Or how about that atheist clown, John Wayne Gacy?

If Hollywood is going to take on pedophilia, how about taking on NAMBLA? Or Jeffrey Dahmer? Otherwise, it is just more anti-Catholicism.

7. The Traditionalist Hypocrite. Everyone is tired of this. How about the hippie liberal who’s a closet racist? There was one such character in “Hair,” wasn’t there?

8. Evil Republicans. I tried to think of one movie that cast Republicans in a good light in the last 30 years — 20 of which had a Republican in the White House. All I could come up with is Reese Witherspoon as Elle Wood in “Legally Blonde.”

Unfortunately, in the sequel, she became a dime-a-dozen liberal. Originality is punished in Hollywood. As in any other company town, those in Hollywood must conform, conform, conform.

9. Wise Trashy People. Hudnall is no fan of “Good Will Hunting,” or “Down and Out in Beverly Hills,” and so on. The last honest portrayal of bums on TV may have been Arte Johnson as the Dirty Old Man on “Laugh-In” — oh wait, I forgot Damon Wayans as Anton Jackson on “In Living Color.”

10. Flyover Losers. It is pretty difficult to get people to see a film when you brand them as losers.