The Janeane Garofalo Tax Credit

Janeane does it for me. I’ll admit it. She’s spunky but malleable, and I like malleable spunky… so I’m going to tax her less.

Let me be frank, the Hollywood is liberal vibe is a shallow truism. It is shallow because it is fixable. But for now, it is categorically, undeniably true, that the A, B, C, and D list is 80% comprised of people who feel deep in their soul that they haven’t really earned all they have.

And deep in their soul, that does something to people. When you look in the mirror and feel you haven’t earned what you have, you feel guilty, more than that, you feel like a poodle. You feel like a kept poodle, coiffed and coddled and carried, without any satisfaction of having truly earned your success.

That’s a problem.

It is a problem when you know there are MANY others who have worked day and night to build a string of dry cleaners, there are many others not born as pretty as you who have trucking franchises, and golf supply warehouses… When you know there are millions of people who really sweat it out to get what they have.

Celebrities, like kids born to wealth, almost HAVE to be liberal. TOO. MUCH. POODLE. GUILT.

They have to be liberal, they have to insist that the first generation Hispanic family that just earned a million dollars with an expanding lawn care business had it just as easy as a hottie college drop out who offered up her bottom for her first recurring on the WB.

Which brings me back to Janeane.

Read her bio.

If I were her, I’d be liberal too. I’d know I never earned it, that I was the archetype angry-gothy-little-white-brunette-glasses stand-in that everyone knows, and therefore fills in nicely in well-distributed ensemble TV casts. If Janeane dies (or apparently gets fat), tomorrow there will be another just like her.

Let me be clear: Janeane is correct to be liberal. She hasn’t earned her money. If you haven’t earned your money, be liberal… with your money.

The problem arises when those who haven’t earned their money want to pretend their situation is just like the rest of the hard working, first generation wealthy that have bled for what they have. In some sick part of their soul they want to convince themselves that other hard-work success stories have had it just as easy as they have.

So I’m proposing a Celebrity Windfall Tax… It should be easy to pass. Actors, Authors, Painters, Poets, TV Newsmen, and Athletes shall pay double. They have fun jobs, fun jobs that aren’t hard work. They make windfall profits. Let’s tax the shit out of them.

But perhaps, if they agree to co-star on “24,” and tacitly support the things they have been railing against for the past 8 years, we can give them a tax credit, and we’ll name it after her.

I’m serious.