The second installment in the not so unbelievable; “Upside Down-Bizarre World” series.
Last month’s launch failure of the Vegan 7 from the Alcatraz launch facility was the latest of 16 straight disappointments for the United States space agency. Chief NASA administrator and former chiropractor Tammy “Sunshine” Peeks, was particularly “bummed” about the launch failure.
“Wow, we really thought we had it goin’ on…” Peeks admits, “I mean, like we were told by our science guys that the whole baking soda and vinegar thing was happening, right? I mean, 6500 pounds of baking soda was supposed to blow it right into orbit. Crap.”
Ms. Peeks and her NASA scientists made international headlines for their highly touted claim that they could “make an ecologically sensible, cruelty free, ‘peaceship’ that won’t be bombing imaginary enemies, and won’t screw with our freakin’ atmosphere.”
“Vinegar and baking soda – help us take OUR planet over!
Vinegar and baking soda – help us take OUR planet over!”
…chanted Peeks at her insanely short Senate confirmation hearing last year. The combustible eco-friendly chemical mix, cum space policy statement – was her mantra for over one half an hour (most times holding up a “V For Vinegar” sign with her fingers). Sadly, after last month’s accident, this chant rang bitterly hollow; as 27 white ‘free range’ mice drowned to death in the bubbly and smelly solution.
“I would never kill, eat or exploit anything with a face okay?” Peeks answered defensively. “Look, the mice were innocent bystanders that just happened to live around the rocket. We have a beautiful ‘life circle’ of animals on the island, and the mice were just fulfilling their nature. What can I say? We’re missing a cat also, so maybe the cat fulfilled his nature with the mice,… we can’t tell yet.”
A reporter pressed: “You mean you didn’t have any payload with either humans, animals or experiments in the rocket?”
Peeks response: “Please…the empty payload is the payoff sir.” She continued, now pointing towards the sky: “We are making a statement here, you just aren’t getting it. NO MORE MAN-JUNK IN MOTHER’S SPACE, OK? No more macho; ‘OH LOOK, WE CAN FLOAT OUT HERE FOR KICKS‘ crap okay?”
“This sucked so freakin’ bad.” exclaimed NASA’s Space Numerologist/Environmentalist “Jagger Kyle Bangor.” “It seems the recycled cardboard, though over-the-top-major-tough reinforced, was not suitable for housing a booster rocket of that humongous size.” He added.
When asked why NASA would even consider housing a booster rocket of any kind in cardboard, Bangor replied: “It’s our weapon of mass INSTRUCTION amigo. Our space is here brother and it’s crying out… can’t you hear it? It’s bad enough that we trash the ‘Mother’ man, but trashing the little green man’s ‘Mother’ ain’t cool either.”
Funding has now been called into question for the space agency. Last week several GOP senators called for immediate hearings into the matter. This morning at those hearings, Senators Joel (D-NY), and Springsteen (D-NJ). reverting to their former occupations. rocked their fellow senators with their new co-written song: “Space is Mahhhhhh Place!”
The outcome was quite remarkable. A vast majority of the senators seemed so moved by the song they changed course and ended up roundly applauding Peeks for “fine work” and demanding NASA funding be tripled. However, before the conclusion of the hearings, California Senator Howie Mandel (R-CA), risking censure, caused a stir with the question: “What possessed NASA to paint a naked picture of George W. Bush on every fin of the rocket?” In response, Peeks gave this statement:
“First off, it’s not paint – it’s natural plant based dye, …to put it in your terms; think ‘Rose Parade’ okay? And if you don’t know why Bush is on the rocket then you are part of the damned problem, Senator.”
With that, Senators Springsteen and Joel spontaneously picked up their song once more to uproarious applause, and the entire committee room danced “conga” style out the hearing room doors.
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