Your Assignment: Rename Guantanamo!

(First installment in the not so unbelievable ‘Upside Down Bizarre World’ series.)

Dateline: The Future. (Most likely spring 2012).

Yesterday morning I was awoken at 6:45 am by a call from The White House. After the initial throat- clearing lie about being awake, I gathered my wits enough to not act overly impressed or afraid. (Especially considering the recent executive order jailing Sean Hannity).

I had hoped it was from the President himself, but alas it was merely Vice President McCain’s secretary. (I still can’t get used to McCain as V.P., even this long after Leno-gate, and Biden’s subsequent resignation.)

Having done product naming in my former life as an advertising writer, I was once again asked if I would helm a small committee of creative types, who’s task would be naming the soon to open ‘Global Peace Park‘ at the former site of the prison at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Last time I had to helm one of their naming projects, it was for the new space telescope set to go into orbit: “The Hope-A-Scope”, was indeed a large hit with the then new administration.

His secretary continued; “Vice President McCain has received the focus group results on the park, and we would like you to come up with a more catchy name. We will be retaining ‘Global Peace Park‘ as a sub-heading, but want you and a team to come up with something that will appeal to those families or individuals that might be vacationing in Florida – say at the Clinton Space Center, or Dukakis Gardens, or ABCDisneyworld, and get them to swing by Cuba. Your net budget must not exceed 140 million per month, and we’d need it done in less than a year.

“If we get it done sooner, will we be kept on for the year?” I asked.

“Of course.” the secretary added with a chuckle.

“Are there any benefits associated with the position?” I selfishly pushed, seeking more.

“Your current Daschlecare plan will now be elevated to an HMO.”

“Deal!”

“Fine Mr. Mannix, please assemble your team, and have them meet at least once a month at the Western White House Communications Center on the Warner lot starting next Tuesday. Private Jets will be provided for any of your non-local staff.”

“Of course.” I add.

Due to the new strict federaI Franken-Fairness law, I quickly assemble writers and journalists from all sides of the political spectrum; ABC, CBS and NBC. I tell them the new name needs to reference the importance of the lessons the administration feels we have learned at Guantanamo, but must also entice the kiddies, (and their parent’s wallets) in for some good Cuban fun!

Dateline: That following Tuesday. A bright and early start at the Warner Lot: 11:22 AM.

After our runner gets back from Starbucks, we review and discuss some of the exhibits at the park:

The Pelosi Pavilion featuring the kid’s Berkeley Bouncer and theViva Fidel! live stage show.

The Harry Reed Center with it’s marvelous fountains featuring water shows choreograghed to “Where have all the Flowers gone”, and “Billy Don’t Be A Hero”.

The enchanting Charles Schumer ‘Yes we Can-ada’ Geese Sanctuary.

And of course the Ron Howard/Oliver Stone Republican Villains Wax Museum inside the opulently decorated, bejeweled and fantastically over-lit Gore House.

“Sensitivities aside, we really need a fun, punchy name to bring in the tourists”, I told my eager team. “So, who’s got a couple of names before we break for lunch?”

Stephanopoulos piped up first; “Well, with the Whistle-Stop Monorail being a major attraction I would love to name it The Obama/Lincoln Cuban Honesty Center.”

“Catchy…”, I said encouragingly, “however I think it should be a little more fun,… for the kids.”

“What about Change-Land!? BIG tingle for me!” Chris Matthews interrupts.

“Real good Chris, it’s a strong possibility!” I wink with approval for the overjoyed man.

“David Gregory, anything from you today?”

“Nope.”

“Okay, and Dan Rather, how ’bout you sir?

“Guantana-chusetts.”

“Probably not Dan.” I respond gently.

” …. Guantana-fornia” he says with his former CBS flourish.

“Okay, Change-Land it is! Let’s get some lunch.”

“Mannix, where we eatin’… commissary?” Asks Matthews.

“Heck no! We may be able to moonlight another gig. Senator Hanks is meeting us over at The Ivy to discuss a name for his new California Religious Repatriation Center.”